Tag: record industry

12/13/1996

Was this planned?  At the beginning of 1996, did we plan to pull the covers over our heads and take a holiday nap at the beginning of December?  Or did we just eat way too much turkey and dressing for Thanksgiving, gain so much weight and lethargy that we couldn’t (or wouldn’t) put forth a big effort to close the year with a bang?  Are we too tired, too lazy, too content…or, in some cases, too ignorant of the facts to make the final push that separates the big winners from the also-rans?

Or was this just another one of those famous “mistakes” that so often happens in our industry…you know, those things that “just happen” and turn first into legend, then tradition.

Or is it all my imagination?

Hello?  Is anybody there?

I’m speaking of the decisions made by some record companies to curb their promotional efforts leading up to the Christmas holidays.  It is evident that record companies that don’t have releases shouldn’t waste their time and efforts pushing stiffs up to mid-chart.  However, record companies who make conscious decisions to decrease promotion and sales efforts in December because of a belief that airplay is tough to come by might be guilty of reasoning accurately to an inaccurate conclusion.

Often, particularly in the promotional ranks, decisions are made based on what promotion executives think radio believes.  Too often, these assumptions are wrong.  The symbiotic relationship that tenuously exists between radio stations and record companies is at it’s weakest during the Christmas holidays.

Record company promotional teams usually close their doors over the holiday period…some for as many as three weeks.  Radio programmers work through the holiday vacations…many pulling air-shifts on Christmas Day.  Certainly, no programmer or music director is allowed two to three weeks of vacation.

After Christmas means more advertising.  There are sales, special end-of-the-year offerings, sales, New Year’s parties, sales, New Year’s concerts and sales.  Did I mention sales?

The point is, radio has no choice except to work.  The jocks are on the air, commercial logs are in the control room and music logs must be run.

Ahh…Music logs

Have we struck a resonant chord?

No matter what a record company believes or promotes or does, programmers will change the music on their radio stations every week through the holiday period.  So you think that song you’re promoting has just about lost its vitality and you can put it to sleep three weeks earlier than you would under normal circumstances because it’s Christmas.

Wrong, no-bullet breath.

Programmers are looking for fresh, new product.  There is probably no other time of year better than right now when you can “sneak” a song on radio stations.  So many promotion people get insane because programmers don’t give their record enough time to begin to stimulate sales and requests.  Quit bitching.  Your time is now.

Unlike any other time of year, true promotion people can make a difference over the next couple of weeks.  If you’re good enough to convince a programmer to add your record on the basis of sound (hey, how many opportunities do you get to do that?), you have the chance to get your record burning into the audience for a good three weeks before accurate information can come back to the programmer for evaluation.  Few stations do audience testing during the holidays because listeners’ habits are different-but they still have the radio station tuned in.  And if your record is on, they’re hearing it.  Maybe they’re hearing it a lot and, if you’re lucky, liking it.  Then, when Pauley Programmer starts up those call-outs after the holidays, maybe your record has enough momentum to show up big.

And guess what?  All of those other promoters who didn’t bother with the station before the Christmas holidays will be a day late and a dollar short when they’re asking for adds during the first week of January.  You’ll already have a head start.

Just because record companies take a long holiday over Christmas doesn’t mean radio stations do the same.  The opposite is true.  Radio doesn’t take a holiday.  And music is critical to radio all the time…but especially during Christmas when new product can get increasingly stale.

Record companies should actively promote programmers through the 20^th of this year.  Don’t worry about them not being there.  Trust me.  They will be.  And promotion should begin again on January 2^nd.  Again, don’t worry about a programmer not being back from vacation.  The truth is, most won’t leave.

Radio people are accustomed to working over the holidays.  And because many record company promotion teams are “over and out” during the same period, a good promotion executive can find quality time with a programmer simply because there’s nobody else around.  I’m not suggesting you to call on Christmas Day, but the days leading up to Christmas can prove a lot more productive than all those other days when the call-waiting feature on the music line was overloaded.  It is a promotion person’s job to find better ways.  This is an easy one.

Record companies with hit records will promote during the Christmas holidays.  Those that don’t, probably won’t,  but is it happenstance that those who continue to work harder have hit records?

I think not.

12/6/1996

Here are some random thoughts I garnered over the Thanksgiving holidays:

It wasn’t long enough.  More people are talking about being burned out in our business than ever before.  I witnessed one record executive, his feet propped up on a couch on Thanksgiving  Day, talking about how he couldn’t wait until the Christmas vacation.

• · · ·

 

Was I the only one who thought stuffing the turkey and promoting records were one and the same thing?

• · · ·

 

I was playing golf with my good friend Charlie Bennett, who is 78 and retired.  (Ask Bill Richards how good a golfer Charlie is!)  The course was crowded.  I was bitching.  (I know it sounds hard for those of you who are familiar with my calm demeanor to believe, but I was actually getting aggravated.)

Charlie said, “One good recession would cure these crowds out.”

I relate the above to the record business.  The last few months haven’t exactly been the healthiest in our blood sport.  However, it’s nothing one big hit wouldn’t cure.

• · · ·

 

Is it just me or is it really getting ugly out there?  I’ve never heard more people bitching about other people, their jobs and their lives in general.  It seems like we have to complain even when we’re satisfied.  I actually heard the following exchange:

“John just got a job at Dweebe Records.”

“Doing what?”

“That slug?  He couldn’t close a door, much less a record.  I’m better than him.  I wonder why they didn’t talk to me?”

“I thought you guys were friends?”

“John and I?  The best.”

“Oh.”

“How much is he making?”

“About one hundred thousand.”

“Jesus Christ!  That’s such bullshit! I work my ass off twice as hard as he will and I don’t make half that.  This is absolutely unfair.”

“Why don’t you quit?”

“Why would I quit?  I love my job.”

• · · ·

 

Am I the only one who is over this cigar thing?  Suddenly, everyone is smoking them and everyone is an expert.  With the possible exception of Todd Cavanah, five years ago most programmers thoughts a Macanudo was a strip club in Las Vegas.

• · · ·

 

If more programmers chewed tobacco and were careless where they spit, would music meetings with record promoters last nearly as long?

• · · ·

 

I have the best job in the business.  I’m also the very best at what I do.  Of course, being the only person who does what I do makes doing it a lot more comfortable than other situations.  But don’t be fooled.  It isn’t easy being me.  (Who am I trying to kid?  I’m just looking for sympathy.  It’s a piece of cake!)

• · · ·

 

I’ve never heard more people with more opinions about what KIIS FM Los Angeles should do.  Everybody’s a programming genius.

• · · ·

 

Why is the stock market setting new records and all of my radio stock is going down?

• · · ·

 

Will everyone who ate too much please raise their hands?

• · · ·

 

Will everyone who bitched too much please raise their hands?

• · · ·

 

Will everyone who loved too much please raise their hands?

• · · ·

 

If you counted all the minutes that you bitched about your job and your life this past weekend, then compared it to the amount of time you spent giving thanks for what you have, which would win?

• · · ·

 

I am the best cook I know.  For that fact, each Thanksgiving, I give thanks to Lela Maye.

• · · ·

 

How many people wished they were somewhere else this Thanksgiving?  How many people wished they were with some-one else?  How many people were with other people who were wishing they were with someone else?

• · · ·

 

How many people reading this think their opinion is the only one that matters?

• · · ·

 

I heard something every interesting over the Thanksgiving holidays.  A friend of mine had a pad full of New Year’s resolutions.  He compiles them each Thanksgiving.  He chooses several, then gives them a “test run” through the Christmas holidays to see which ones (a) make a difference in his life, and (b) he has a snowballs’ chance in hell of not breaking.  Just before the New Year, he finds a couple and sticks with them.  It’s an interesting policy…one I’m giving a “test run” this year.  This way I won’t be so impulsive.

• · · ·

 

Why is our business so ugly?  Why can’t we be happy for every record that shows life?  For every promotion person who gets a better position?  For every radio station that trends up?  For every programmer who gets a better gig?  Why must we constantly criticize everyone and everything that happens in our business…as long as it isn’t happening to us?  Is it possible that others aren’t as bad as we think and we aren’t as good as we are?

Naah!

10/11/1996

The master of the manor managed a slight smile.  He even allowed himself to feel a small measure of pride as he gazed around the land claimed for decades by his heritage.  It had been five years since the battle that had brought down the evil King and chased the dragons from the land.  The master and others had managed to reclaim their heritage and define their futures as they saw fit.  The freedom was invigorating…creating an almost drug-like feeling of euphoria.

He called to his son and the two of them began a careful walk across the front of the property.  Everywhere there were signs of the great war.  Gaping holes in the earth gave proof to the powerful weapons of destruction that had been unleashed.  Acres and acres of parched earth were only now allowing the occasional blade of bright, green grass to point toward the sun.  The glistening white bones of those who gave their all were now gardens for flowers to grow.

The master patted his son on the head.  “Things have changed, haven’t they?”

As the boy looked at their father with clear, blue, innocent eyes, for one brief moment in time the older man allowed himself to believe that all was well…the wars were over…no one was trying to take their freedom away…that there was a Santa Clause…that Jupiter had aligned with Mars and peace would rule the planet…but those thoughts, (like the 5^th Dimension) were just golden memories.  History was just about to repeat itself.

As suddenly as the peaceful feeling descended, it was gone…replaced by a muffled thud and a great shaking of the ground.

“Earthquake, father?” the boy shouted over the roar that filled the air.

The older man fell to the grass with his son, shielding him from the certain destruction as best he could.

“No, son,” he answered, “it’s not a natural disaster.”

“What then?” the boy yelled.  “Is it Darth Vader?”

The father didn’t look up.  “Can’t be, there’s no phasing in the voice.”

“Jabba The Hut?”

The father snuck a peek.  “Although there are certain similarities, it isn’t him.”

“Joel Denver?”

“No, Joel turned his sword into a plowshare a long time ago and currently is farming within the system.”

“The Anti-Christ?”

The father looked again and what he saw turned his blood cold.  “Worse.  It’s Michael Ellis of The Monitor.”

(Cue the music…cut to the lasers…fade up on the title sequence.  “Trade Wars…The Continuing Struggle of Network 40 Against the Evils of the Dark Side…starring Gerry Cagle as Luke Sky Walker, the staff of Network 40 as the heroes of our world…programmers and music directors appear as the decent, honest people who try to fend off those who would feed of their hard work…Michael Ellis and The Monitor as the Emperor and the Forces of Evil.  The part of Chewbacca is played by Wookie.”)

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, the mechanical shark is back, feasting on garbage, small children, scantily clad women and a fishing boat…diesel motors and all.

Will the forces of good and evil overcome The Dark Side?  Will Kilgo be allowed another cold beer?  Will Kristen live to appear in another Network 40 picture?  Will the world be saved?

Long ago, (okay, five or so years) in a land far, far way (okay, just over the Hollywood hills) when I began the great debate by describing R&R’s dictatorial process of assigning radio stations to a specific format based on their own confusing formula as “Satanic,” I never thought there would come a day when that stance would be surpassed by something more ridiculous.

Boy, was I wrong.

Michael Ellis looks at what history did to R&R, watches what a conceited, belligerant, holier-than-thou attitude can do and manages to get on that pig and let it rear its ugly head five years later. The Emperor has now decided that he, and he alone, will determine the format of a particular radio station. Maybe Michael and the editor of Hitz should get together and form a consulting company.

The alarming part about this decision is it doesn’t give a programmer a choice.  If R&R (or any other trade) put a station in a format the PD didn’t agree with, the PD can withhold the playlist.  The Monitor doesn’t ask stations to report.  The Monitor gets station reports through BDS.  As a PD, you have a choice.  Of course, you could refuse to talk to Michael, but when was the last time he called a programmer for input?

Would you like to know what kind of station The Monitor says you’re programming?  “A To 40/Mainstream station plays a wide variety of current music.  The most-played song on the station must be played at least 40 times per week.  Among the station’s 40 most-played songs are Rock songs and Songs from at least one of the following genres: R&B, Dance, Pop, uptempo Pop and Pop ballads.”  A Top 40/Rhythm-Crossover station “…plays a variety of current music, but no Rock.”

I guess that means KZFM, KLUC and KSFM aren’t considered Crossover stations by The Monitor since they (just to name a few) are playing Alanis Morissette.

In addition to these definitions, Michael will exclude you from reporting if you don’t meet minimum cume requirements.  (That’s comforting.  We all know how accurate those Arbitron figures are.) Also, “…some stations that would normally qualify may not be used as reporters.”

And the snake ate the baby.

Why do I care?  I rant when trade magazines…publications that exist because of radio…have people with limited programming experience dictating policies or opinions that affect those who do.  The Monitor has decided what is right for radio.

The Monitor is wrong.

Today’s radio is too nonspecific.  One can’t throw a blanket over a group and declare them the same.  Besides, no sooner does Michael create his own absolutes than exceptions have to be granted in Crossover…or the panel greatly reduced.

I humbly suggest that Michael go back to the drawing board and call Domino’s for a large pizza.

This time, get extra cheese.

11/15/1996

“Who’s on first?”

“I don’t know.”

“He’s on second.”

“Who?”

“Who’s on first?”

“I don’t know.”

“He’s on second.”

“What?”

“Third base.”

It’s enough to drive even Abbott and Costello crazy.  Not their famous “Who’s On First” routine, made even more famous in the movie, Rainman, but who owns what radio stations and where will it all end.

It’s easier to count cards in Las Vegas.

Just in case you are interested, as of today (of course, by the time you read this column, it’s almost certain there will be more ownership changes) the total by ownership is as follows:

1. American Radio Systems (93)
2. Clear Channel (93)
3. Jacor (92)
4. SFX (82)
5. CBS (79)
6. Chancellor (53)
7. Evergreen (42)
8. Cox (41)
9. Gulfstar (41)
10. Paxson (40)

 

Those are definitely…definitely a lot of stations.  Of course, there are those who would attempt to point out that in many cases, the quantity of some acquisitions has affected the quality.  Some would say it’s K-Mart shopping at best.

With the absence of any real restrictions from the FCC, radio stations have become an entity to be bought, sold and traded like commodities of the market.  In most instances, the price for individual stations is so off the charts as to make even the bulls on Wall Street cringe.  If Mr. and Mrs. Smith were going to purchase a radio station and run it the rest of their lives, they couldn’t do it.  The dollars don’t make sense.  However, the worth of the station makes the sale dollars reasonable for the big companies.

Does that make sense?  Let me explain it to you in another way.  Remember when the Hunt brothers decided to capture the silver market back in the 1980s?  Silver had been bought and sold for about the same price for years.  The flux was negligible.  That’s how it is on Wall Street.  Too often, it isn’t what a company is worth that strikes the price, it’s what someone else wants to pay for it.  With the Hunt brothers buying and hoarding silver, the price suddenly went through the roof.  Why?  Because there wasn’t enough supply for the demand.

It’s the same with radio stations today.  There are a finite number of radio stations available in the United States.  It’s not like the furniture business, where you can just put up another store on the corner when you want.  Licenses are restricted.  There are only so many radio stations.  If you want to buy one, in 999 out of 1,000 instances, you have to find an existing license and purchase it from the owner.

Since the FCC hasn’t the ways and means to restrict the number of stations a particular entity owns, what keeps one company from buying every station in the country?  The Department of Justice.  And lately, the DOJ has been raising more than one eyebrow when glancing at the alarming number of stations controlled by one company.

Most of the stations being purchased are done so for one reason—so they can be polished, shined and sold again.  But let’s consider the possibilities should one of these companies make a decision to make a major impact on the business as a whole.

In the 1970s, the RKO chain ruled music radio.  The company owned the #1 station in most major markets.  For a record to make it into the top 10, the RKO chain had to add it.  That was pretty strong medicine from a company that owned 12 radio stations.  Twelve stations won’t even rank a company in the top 50 today.

But think about the possibility of one chain…let’s say, Jacor…deciding that every station in their chain would be programmed Top 40.  Impossible?  Not at all.  Think about the advantages of a chain of 92 radio stations programmed almost identically with chain adds and promotions. This could revolutionize the way our entire business is done.  If the RKO Group could be the 800-lb. gorilla with just 12 stations, think what this chain of 92 stations could do.  The possibilities are endless.

First of all, the promotion budget could be taken right off the ledger.  The promotions from record companies would be unbelievable.  The chain would own every Mainstream concert.  Forget owning them; the chain could go into the concert business.  Would producing their own records be far behind?

And what if, say, CBS, then decided that all of their stations should be Alternative? ARS might choose Crossover, Clear Channel Rock and Chancellor Country.  A music format could be dominated overnight and the commercial possibilities would be immense.

Since radio companies are looking into audience domination to ensure profits in individual markets, is it too great a leap to believe that these same companies might look into format similarities to up a market share?

Companies are looking to “own” a perception to make the quantum leap.  Kleenex for tissue paper, Xerox for copiers…you get the drift.  Would Jacor for Top 40 not be in the same mode and bring about the same profit shares?

You say it could never happen?  Ten years ago, one company owning 92 radio stations wasn’t a possibility either. That’s why the DOJ is interested.

If this does become a reality, three things would be certain:  Ed Stolz would still own one radio station, Bill Skull would be the happiest man in Maui and K-Mart would still suck!

11/8/1996

I’ve been sitting at my desk all morning…on point behind the keyboard waiting for that cathartic moment when the breakthrough will occur…trying to build up the false pressure to make me energetic and crazed enough to follow another impossible quest to the end…and it ain’t working.

One thing I’ve learned during this past vacation period is that we all need more vacations.  Now there’s a startling, revolutionary thought.  It’s really not more vacation time we need as much as quality vacation time.  All too often we spend our vacation concentrating on work.  What a waste…of both vacation time and work.  Neither is satisfactory unless each is separated from the other.

There is no doubt that our business…whether radio or records…is one of the most stressful in the world.  Part of what makes our job so stressful is the inability of individuals to relax.  We can’t (don’t) relax while we’re doing our jobs…we certainly can’t (don’t) totally relax while we’re vacationing.  Too many bad things can happen.

I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating.  The individuals in record and radio are too quick to criticize those who show even modest success.  Why can’t we be happy when others succeed?  It just isn’t in the cards.  It seems that everyone who gets a promotion higher than the position they held did so only because they (a) were lucky, (b) know somebody, (c) fit the political profile or (d) were fucking the boss.  It can’t be qualification, because we know we are the best qualified.

So, jobs based on paranoia breed vacations steeped in the same.  We can’t relax because (a) our MD, who we left in charge, is probably brown-nosing the boss and is stabbing us in the back; (b) our regional promotion person, who we left in charge, is probably brown-nosing the boss and is stabbing us in the back; (c) the trends might go up while we’re away, (d) our priority might get more adds when we’re away; (e) the station can’t run without us (if it does, we might not be needed); (f) the field staff can’t be effective without us (if they  can, we might not be needed); (g) the station may be sold; (h) the company might be sold; and (i) if we do enjoy ourselves, we may begin questioning what we do for a living  and we’re  certainly not qualified to do anything else.

At Network 40, you can’t call in from vacation.  We don’t allow it because (a) it reminds the rest of us that you’re on vacation and only serves to piss us off further; (b) nothing will happen in a week that can’t be fixed or put off until your return; (c) it’s harder to talk shit about someone if they’re constantly calling in; and (d) we really don’t like you outside the office, so why must we talk with you on the phone?

With all, some and none of these thoughts on my mind, I boarded the plane to Maui for a two-week vacation with a heavy heart.  What was there to be happy about?  I was leaving Los Angeles right in the middle of the fires to head for a tropical paradise where the closest thing to an argument would revolve around whose turn it was to fix the chi-chi’s, I could soak my toes in the Pacific Ocean, watch the most beautiful sunsets in the world, dance the hula with beautiful natives, surf, swim and tan without worrying about how many stations reported or who’s zooming who.

It was truly a sad moment.

While there, I introspected on a lot of things about life in general and life in the record and radio business in particular.  Hawaii is a state of mind.  Having nothing to do and no agenda gives you plenty of time to think—something we do too little of in our business.  We spend most of our time reacting instead of acting.

Out of thoughts sometimes come solutions…or other thoughts that stimulate further thinking.  Anyhow, I came up with a few that might be useful in dealing with the jugglers, clowns, dealers and deals in our business.  I may have stolen these from other wise people or books on the island, but I can’t recall any other wise ones with whom I came in contact.  Well, there was that dream when King Kamehameha spoke with me about ruling the islands, but that’s another Editorial.

Ego problems are endemic in every walk of life, but in radio and records, egomaniacs are megalomaniacs.  We should all struggle to remember from whence we came and where we may be going, then act accordingly.  The job is often more important to our peers than who is holding it.  Don’t confuse what you do with who you are.  It is a fact (and an old Blood, Sweat And Tears song) that what goes up, must come down.

I find it incredible when someone gives me bad news and then tells me not to take it personally.  How am I supposed to take it?  As a group?

Many times, working in radio and records is like riding psychotic house into a burning barn.

Real power is the ability to get things done.

What we seek most often is control, but to access all of our abilities takes complete relaxation…which is the absence of control.  The sad truth about control is that there is none.  As hard as we try, we can’t control anything…much less everything.  We should attempt to teach others how to get things done…and thereby be able to exert our influence…if not our control.

Patience is a virtue in our business.  To have it gives a measure of control.  An old Hindu proverb states:  If you sit by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by.

Most people in our business are afraid of confrontation and avoid it, leaving those who are not afraid a path to the head of the class. Confrontation doesn’t equal intelligence of leadership, but it is a trait we all should learn to master.  Don’t be afraid of confrontation, but don’t be a psycho and seek it out.

The most powerful position is often achieved by having the ability to walk away.

Sorry if I bored you.  These are just some of the thoughts that occupied my mind in Maui when I wasn’t concentrating on my main objective…

When can I go again?

10/25/1996

Welcome to my nightmare…I think you’re gonna like it…I think you’re gona find you belong…

(If you want to be mad as hell, skip to the last line of this Editorial.  The rest is just filler to get me there!)

That is the theme…however weak…of this week’s magazine:  The Armageddon Issue.  Wouldn’t it be funny if the world really did end with the publication of this week’s Network 40? Okay, funny might not be the appropriate word, but you get my drift.

We initially asked a bunch of radio executives what song they’d like to be listening to when the world ended.  Programmers showed a broad dichotomy.  You can see their responses range from A to Z with no particular format or pattern discernable.  It didn’t work with promotion people.  Are any of us surprised that they would choose records they are currently working?  Of course, we know that’s bullshit.  If the world was truly ending…and they absolutely, positively knew it…their choices would be a lot different. But being promotion people in volatile positions with hair-trigger presidents watching for slipups and virulent managers waiting to jump on the phone for the most obscure reason, they opt for the easy way out.

If the world really did end, how many promotion people would be ecstatic?  Half? One-quarter?  It’s probably even money that the ones working weak records would welcome the opportunity to start a new project with the Big Guy in the sky.  But what about those with the hits?  Would they be making deals with the devil for “…just one more week?”

It would almost be worth having the world end this week to witness the action.  Can’t you just picture Charlie Walk working the Devil?

“Come on, Red, you can’t take me out now.  I’ve got Barbra Streisand getting top requests at WPLJ.  We’re going for adds next week.”

The Devil would lean back in his chair and light a big cigar.  “Charlie, it’s toast.”

“Don’t tell me it’s over, man.  It’s not over until I say it’s over.  I need one more week.  Give me a week and I promise I’ll make it up to you.  How about front row seats to the Journey tour?”

The Devil would shake his head and maybe scratch the horns that stick out between the pointed ears.  “I already got tickets.  Irving Azoff gets me everything I need from the record business.  He owes me from way back.  Besides, Charlie, you don’t’ have anything to bargain with.  You already promised me your soul last year for Sophie B. Hawkins.”

And Charlie Walk wouldn’t be the only one.  Programmers wouldn’t be immune.  Michael Martin would be begging as well. 

“Devilman, you’ve got to give me one more trend, man.  I’m right on KMEL’s tail, no offense, and I know I can beat them in the next book.”

The Devil would turn his back.  “Michelle promised to play me the new E40 mixes if I end it now.”

And then you have some who would put it into perspective.  Andrea Ganis would probably be the most calm.

“I don’t know why I’m talking to you, Devil, You’ve got no weight.”

“No weight,” The Devil would retort, “but a lot of heat.”

“I’m glad it’s ending,” Andrea would sigh, “even if it means I won’t get my picture in Network 40 again when I’m most added for Seal.  By the way, have you seen Danny Buch?’

“He’s downstairs being fitted for a red suit.”

Andrea would gasp.  “Danny’s going to hell?”

“Just as a loaner.  A lot of programmers believe hell would be spending a week locked up in a room with just Danny…and we certainly want to accommodate them.”

“So it’s really over?”  Andrea would ask.

“Afraid so,” The Devil would say.

“At least the Yankees won’t lose the Series to the Braves.”

“You know, I’m a Yankee fan,” the Devil would share.

“Of course,” Andrea would answer, “that goes without saying.  Besides, you have to know that my father took me to see ‘Damn Yankees’ when I was a kid.”

“Steinbrenner talked to God yesterday,” the Devil would say.  “The Big Guy­­—that’s God I’m talking about—told George He would end it all to keep the Yankees from losing the World Series.  Of course, George agreed to go to hell in the process.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but it really didn’t matter.  I already had him for the Danny Tartabull deal.”

Through it all, Charlie Minor would be floating back and forth on a cloud shaped like a Rolls Royce.

“Hey, buddies,” Charlie would be calling, “y’all come on up.  The stations up here add everything.  And there’s no BDS.”

Andrea would turn to the Devil with a surprised look on her face.  “Charlie’s up there?”

The devil would shrug.  “I had him for a while, but you know Charlie.  He talked his way right up to the front row.”

No matter what the scene, come Judgment Day, I don’t want to be in line behind anyone in our business.  Can you imagine how long it would take if they separated us into groups depending on who we were on earth?  Just standing in that promotion line would take an eternity.

Guys would be cutting deals.  Of course, we would all have to make deals with the Devil just to get in the “good” line.  I’m telling you, there would be a lot of bitching when the movers and shakers of our world found out they didn’t have an “all access” pass.

Think about it. AIR would be busy, trying out excuses on angels to see if they would fly past the Big Guy.  McClusky would be representing a bunch of programmers to see if he could bring them all in as a group.

And those of us in Maui wouldn’t be affected because we are already in paradise…where I am as you read this.

Aloha.

8/30/1996

I called Trent Lott last Tuesday.  Trent is the newly elected Majority Leader of the Senate.  He returned my call on Wednesday.  I called Thad Cochran last week.  He’s the senior Senator from the state of Mississippi and Bob Dole’s closet advisor.  He called back an hour later.  I called Bob Dole last Wednesday.  His campaign coordinator returned the call three hours later asking what I wanted to speak with the Presidential candidate about.  When I told him it was nothing important, just a follow-up to an earlier conversation, he said Bob would be getting in touch with me.  Three days later I got a message from Bob Dole on my answering machine at home.

Take a message.

Pushing my luck, I tried President Clinton.  I was shuffled to one of his advisors.  When I said I wanted to talk about the upcoming campaign, I was told someone would get back with me.  It wasn’t long before I heard from someone in the Democratic Committee asking for a donation.

Tell him I’m in a meeting.

Close…but no cigar.  For him, too.  There was no donation either.

Tell her I’ll call her right back.

I was able to talk with three former, current and future leaders of the free world.  But try to get someone in our business on the phone and, as often as not, you’re out of luck.

Tell him you can’t find me.

When someone says, “You’re as hard to get on the phone as the President,” don’t buy it.  The President is easier…especially in an election year.

Tell her I’m in production.

I also tried to reach out and touch a bunch of people in our industry last week.  Anticipating a story, I kept a log of my calls.  I spoke with 41 PDs, 25 heads of promotion, 23 MDs, 21 assorted promotion types, 14 radio people looking for jobs, 11 managers, nine record people looking for jobs, seven GMs, six record company presidents, four publishers, three station owners, two dancers and an independent who swore he could deliver if I could hook him up directly.

Tell him I’m on a conference call.

As a matter of course, I speak with an assortment of gypsies, tramps and thieves on a daily basis.  It is my job, so I probably network more than the normal person.  And in my position, it is probably easier to get most of my calls returned.  I mean, who wouldn’t want to talk with me?  Sometimes the calls are specific.  Sometimes it’s just to keep in touch.  Those might be the most important calls of all.  Lose touch in this business and you aren’t far from losing everything.

Tell her I’ve gone for the day.

It is, however, amazing how many of our calls go unreturned.  The biggest complaint I hear is, “That asshole won’t call me back.”

Tell him I’m on a call and have two holding.

In our business of communication, communication is increasingly impossible.  Why is that?

I’m sorry, he’s not answering the intercom.

The simple insanity of our business makes me crazy at times.  We are so quick to coronate the newest king and write off the latest loser that we lose our concentration on the big picture.  The king is only one bad deal away from being a loser.  And the loser is only one good job away from being a king again.

He’s on with Kingston.  Can he call you back?

Are we stupid enough to believe that those who lose their jobs won’t return in a position of authority?  What’s a fired program director going to do…latch on with Union Carbide?

He’s behind closed doors.

Too often, not only are calls hard to connect when someone doesn’t have a job, it’s just as difficult when you do have one.  We’ve become so impressed with our own persona that if we tired to phone ourselves, we wouldn’t take the call!

She’ll call you back in five minutes.

Many times, those in power surround themselves with only people who agree with their agenda.  There’s certainly nothing wrong with having a staff around you that is on the same page.  But having only “yes” men and women giving token approval to all of your ideas is a recipe for disaster.

She’ll call you back in five hours.

Locking yourself in a closet may keep the boogie man away, but if the boogie man just produced a hit record…you lose.  What’s so freaking difficult about picking up the phone?

What’s this call regarding?

Former jocks always answer the phone.  We know the next call might be a date or a job offer.  We can’t take the chance on missing out.

He’s out to lunch.

I’m not writing to say that everyone should take every call.  It’s impossible.  And pests who continue to call with nothing to say must be told not to call again.  But to refuse to speak with someone just because you don’t have time to trifle with trash could make you lose out.  I’m not asking for a pint of blood…just a call back.

She’s talking with London.

The most important call I made last week was one that wasn’t returned.  A record company executive had signed and released a song by his pet project.  It wasn’t successful.  I happened to be playing golf with a programmer who runs a rather important station and who consults a few more.  In the course of the day, we discussed this particular record.  He said he wouldn’t consider the song because of his feelings about this particular record executive.  I took umbrage and promised to try and bridge the gap.  Later I had to eat crow.  The guy didn’t return my calls.  But, everything equals out…the record didn’t get added either.

He’s in a marketing meeting.

It is a constant contradiction in our industry.  We struggle to network and work our way to the top of our profession.  Then, as soon as we get there, we stop communicating.

Tell him you don’t know where I am.

Can we do a little more of that?  I know as mad as I got, I had to do a little work before I could write this Editorial.  There were more than a few messages I had been ignoring.  So I returned some calls.  One was from an out-of-work PD who had secretly just landed a major gig.  He laughed because I was the only one who returned his call.

Take a message.

Next week, he won’t be talking to anybody.

6/21/1996

It wasn’t long ago that  I wrote an Editorial about the changing face of radio in today’s climate of deregulation and  corporate take-overs.  Whether or not we agree with the political and legal ramifications that these relatively “new” policies cause, the plain fact is that the reality can and probably will directly or indirectly affect you.  And, unfortunately, there is little you can do about it.  You will, however, have to face the consequences.

Welcome to the unfair world of radio in the ‘90s. 

How did all of this happen?  How did the landscape change so drastically and so quickly?

There was a time, in the not so distant past, when the Federal Communications Commission ruled the radio and television industries with an iron fist.  Radio stations weren’t really owned by any person or corporation.  Entities were granted licenses by the FCC to operate.  These licenses were for three years or less in some cases.

If you “owned” a radio station, not only were you under obligation to the FCC for the license to operate, but you also had to follow stringent guidelines set forth by this agency that virtually dictated your operations.  The FCC had specific requirements on almost every area of your operation, from how much news was broadcast, how many public service announcements were required, how much “special” programming would be granted airtime…even to the particular format you chose to broadcast.

Every three years, the licensee had to prove to the FCC that for the past three years, the station had been in total compliance with the requirements set forth at the beginning of the licensing term.  This burden of proof was so great that many companies hired people to do nothing except ensure that the stations in their group were in compliance with FCC requirements.

General Managers, Sales Managers, Public Affairs Directors and Program Directors were required (as executives of the station) to sit through meetings and sift through questionnaires about the station’s requirements and promises.  It was extremely important because every three years, any person or corporation could file against your license.

That meant that not only did you have to prove to the FCC that you were in compliance with the requirements of the license, but that you promised to do even more news and public affairs broadcasting in the future to stave off those who would file against your license.

The FCC was quite particular about who could own and operate a radio station.  Potential ownership groups were scrutinized and it was at the FCC’s sole determination as to whether qualification was merited.  The FCC took into consideration many factors, including broadcasting experience, ability and the monetary backing.  Prospective ownership groups had to prove the ability to operate a station at a loss before ownership was even considered.  Further, once a station was purchased, a group had to own the property at least three years before it could be sold.

Can you imagine?  Three years of required ownership?

Deregulation has opened the floodgates.  Ownership requirements have gone right out the window.  You basically have to prove you’re alive, although some recent acquisitions have seemed to have circumvented that requirement.

Radio stations are now bought and sold pending FCC approval and that is more of a formality than anything really official.  Wait three years? Some companies haven’t waited three hours.  What about that limit on the total number of stations any one entity can own?  That border keeps moving more than a line drawn in the sand in the middle of the Desert Storm operation.

So, what does this hold for all of us?  Will deregulation mean better things for all or is it the first warning of the coming of the Anti-Christ?

Most feel that the operation will eventually be a success, but many will die in the process.

The short-term fallout is bleak. We’re in a virtual nuclear ground zero zone and may remain there for a while.  Radio stations are being bought and sold by companies who have no interest in operating the stations for any length of time.  It’s all about profitability, cash flow and interest.

Programming integrity?

For many companies, it’s irrelevant.

The venture capitalists who purchase radio stations are interested in cutting costs and increasing sales to inflate the overall value to another venture capitalist.

So, how can this current climate possibly benefit those who work in programming and consider their efforts a labor of love?  It ain’t gonna be easy, that’s for sure.  The short-term forecast is gloomy at best and, too often, the light you believe you see at the end of the tunnel is, instead, an oncoming train.

Those PDs who are chosen by the various groups to head their efforts will benefit greatly.  The larger majority of those who are victims of “downsizing” are in serious jeopardy.  The plain truth is that in the coming months, there will be fewer programming jobs.

However, the overall effect of an open market is to reward those with long-term planning and broadcasting expertise.  The true broadcasting entities will grow and profit in the long run.  The companies funded and operated by venture capitalists who see broadcasting properties only as quick turn-arounds are in for a series of surprises.

It’s no secret that many radio stations are being purchased for prices that make the possibility of actually turning a profit after paying the interest on the loans a virtual impossibility.  The debt service these “broadcasting” companies are taking on will turn out to be insurmountable in the future.  Then the true broadcasters, who have purchased wisely and programmed accurately, will once again be in the cat-bird seat.

But, until that time, programming will be squeezed to add more spots to generate more cash.  The result is, of course, lower ratings which means a smaller cash flow.

The reality will be a shock to many and the price of radio stations drop as quickly as they rose.  In time, you and I will be able to pick up a station in the bargain basement or on QVC.

5/3/1996 

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Okay, I’ll take a shot at it.  I’ve been criticized by some of my peers because of my recent Editorials.  Many say they have been much too shallow.  I don’t know why that comes as a surprise to anyone who knows me.  Let’s face it, I am a shallow person.  As are most of my friends.  Hey, we can spot a phony with the best of them…mainly because we’re accustomed to seeing one when we look in the mirror.

In our unique business, it’s easy to become enamored with ourselves.  The depth of bullshit that runs through the deep end of the entertainment industry quickly makes hipboots obsolete.  A full-body penetration-proof condom with accompanying foam barely does the trick.

Unfortunately, it’s easy to get caught up in the shuck and jive because we’re usually the ones doing the shucking and jiving.  We’re part of a business that not only claims “You’re So Vain” as a theme song, but is proud of it.  The “…everything…all the time…” lifestyles we lead too often becomes our lives.

And therein lies the rub.

Who the fuck do we think we are?

Our often thankless (and more often, well-paid) jobs make millions for the companies under whose banners we toil.  As promotion people, we are responsible for breaking records that sell millions.  As programmers, we are responsible for operating radio stations that sell for millions.

What’s in it for us?

Some brief Tuesday afternoon glory, some brief Tuesday afternoon grief, some good trends, some bad trends and the opportunity to live like we have real money.

It’s hard not to buy into the hype.  Let’s face it, we order whatever we want at the finest restaurants the country has to offer.  We get the best tickets to the best concerts.  We get to meet the superstars (however briefly) backstage.  They pretend they like us and we pretend that we’re really important to them.  Basically, we get what we want, when we want it.

Few of us come into this business with a great deal of substance.  (I’m referring to substance as a state of life…not substance abuse.  That’s another subject for another time.)  Most of us came upon our jobs by mistake.  There are few of us who, when asked what we wanted to be in the first grade, said, “I want to be a radio programmer or a record promoter.”  The fact is, few of us knew what that was back then.  Unfortunately, many who currently hold down those jobs, still don’t know.

In the broad scope of things, what we’re doing isn’t earth-shattering.  We’re not finding cures for diseases.  Nobody is going to die if we fail.  None of us are going to discover the cure for polio. Of course, I’d like to see Jonas Salk get 60 adds out-of-the-box on that mid-charter we have to sell to radio! Jonas wasn’t up against that Tuesday deadline, either.  He had as long as it took.  We’ve got until the next book…and if the trends suck, we might not make it  that long!

Mostly through our love of music, we were drawn into the jobs we now hold.  I got into radio because I wanted to produce records.  Others have tales just as twisted.  If there is a tie that binds us together, it could probably be identified as the love of music that originally got us into this business.  Isn’t it funny how too often it isn’t about a love of music anymore, but our love of the music business?  Or more aptly, our love for our position in the music business.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends and neighbors, you must know one thing: It ain’t who we are, but what we do that makes the moths fly around our flame.

Are we getting a little too cocky out there?

Probably.

There are radio programmers who actually believe they will keep their jobs forever.  And what’s harder to believe is that there are some programmers who actually believe the bullshit they’re being told by record company executives.  Programmers are quick to call “bullshit” when a record promoter is raving about the latest release.  Yet these same programmers believe the strokes and ego-boosting comments from the same promoters.  I guess it’s an absolute fact in our business that if a record executive is talking about the record, it’s bullshit.  But when the promoter is complementing the programmer, it’s the truth. 

Of course!  How could it be any different?

It’s not only the programmer who is buying into this stale loaf of bread.  There are record company executives who fall into the same trap.

And who can blame them?  Promoters are so busy hawking their product that it’s only natural that they begin to believe the same about themselves.

“My record’s the greatest, you’re the greatest, I’m the greatest.”

Right.

We’re all told not to believe our own bullshit.  But when we’re good at it, it’s hard not to be caught up in the hype. Especially since we’re the ones who are responsible.

We carry company credit cards that give us the ability to live in luxury.  We do what 99% of Americans only dream about doing.  And we do it because it’s our job, not because we’re special.  Someone was doing the job before you got there.  They may not have been doing it as good as you, but guess what? They thought they were.  Is it possible that you’re guilty of thinking you’re better than you are?

Let’s not forget that we’re all expendable.  When you leave, someone else will be doing your job.  You might not think they’ll do as good a job as you thought you were doing, but maybe it’s that mentality that make the transition a reality to begin with.

I don’t know what the point of this Editorial is other than for us to take a longer look at the broader picture that brought us to where we are today.  It was the love of music that struck the common chord in the beginning.  How often do you spend listening to music today?

Maybe we should spend a little time on the weekend away from our weekday job.  Maybe we should hang out with people who have no idea what we do.  Maybe we shouldn’t tell them.  Maybe we should begin to question our motives.  Maybe we should stop believing our own bullshit.

Then again, maybe not.