Tag: music industry

8/12/1994

I got five…who’ll gimmie ten? Now ten…who’ll go twenty?

Last week, a record company needed an add at a certain radio station. That in itself isn’t unusual. It happens every week at every radio station with every record company. This particular record company will remain nameless, but it could be just about any company. The radio station? Nameless as well, although it, too, could be just about any station.

So, the record company wants this record added. And the program director wants a promotion.

I got your twenty…now who’ll give me thirty?

The record company wants…needs the record added, so a promotion is offered going in. The promotion person is feeling confident. His record is good. There are others with more strength, but it’s not as if he’s pushing a dog. And he’s got the war chest combination. There won’t be much negotiation. He’s been given the goods to get the add.

No problem.

We’ve got a thousand dollar bid! Now who’ll gimmie twelve-fifty?

The program director wants a promotion? It’s easy. The first offer will knock him on his ass.

“How about two tickets plus airfare, lodging and expenses to see Woodstock II?” the record promoter proudly offers.

The PD’s answer is nonchalant. “I’ve already got that.”

Problem.

Fifteen hundred…who’ll give me two grand?

The record promoter, although a bit put off, recovers quickly. He does, after all, represent a major label. He has promotions to give.

“How about,” he offers, “four tickets, plus airfare, hotel accommodations and spending money to Woodstock II?”

The answer is still nonchalant, though maybe a little irritated. “I’ve already got that for eight people.”

I got two thousand now…who’ll give me three?

The record guy swallows. It’s going to be a little tougher than he initially thought, but he’s got some moves left.

“Okay, let’s send six people, all expenses paid, to t he MTV Music Awards.”

The promoter smiles tightly. No one else could come up with that many tickets to the show. He had a lock. Absolutely. Positively. Without question. Probably. Maybe. He hoped.

“Aw, man,” the program director says, “I’ve had ten of those tickets since the middle of the summer. I need something really big.”

I’ve got four…now let’s take a jump. Anybody give me ten? Have I got a ten thousand dollar bid?”

A fine layer of sweat coats the upper lip of the record promoter. The confidence he once felt is long gone.

“Well, ah,” he stammers, “what did you have in mind?”

“How about a trip around the world?” comes the quick answer. “Let’s make it for two weeks with stops at all the major cities.”

The promoter’s tongue is thick. The thin layer of perspiration now turns into a heavy flop sweat. “Can I put you on hold for a second? I’ll have to check with my boss on this one.”

“Sure,” replies the PD. “I’ve got another call coming in now anyhow.”

It only takes the promoter ninety seconds to get his boss on the phone and get is approval…and feel his anger. But it is done. He punches back to the radio station.

“Okay, we’ll do it.”

“Hey, man, I’m sorry,” says the PD. “While you were away, another company gave me the trip. Why don’t you call me back next week?”

I’ve got twenty…who’ll give me thirty?

To steal a line from the summer’s biggest movie, “God damn it, Gump, this thing is getting out of hand.”

Where will all of this end? Record companies are offering more and more and radio stations are demanding even more than that. There was a time when record companies hired independent promoters to enhance a project’s worth. Now, in too many situations, they’re acting more like auctioneers.

Once upon a time, The FCC frowned on stations that accepted extraordinary promotional expenditures. Although the agency has turned its head away from the practice of “promotional consideration” in most instances, it hasn’t changed its policy. At any minute, the agency could reverse its stance and many stations could suffer sever recriminations.

Is a radio station wrong to consider promotions offered by record companies? Nope. Are record companies wrong to offer promotions? Nope. If a record company offers promotions that can possibly directly enhance an artist’s growth with a radio station’s audience, nothing sinister can be attributed to the offer. However, we’re stretching that maxim to a breaking point.

Bringing the group in for a station promotion or flying listeners to see the group in concert is one thing. Other promotions and trips that aren’t related to a group (except to buy the record onto the playlist) are dangerous and the long-term consequences could definitely outweigh the short-term gains.

What would happen if every record company stopped offering wild, expensive promotions? What would happen if radio stations had to consider each record based solely on merit?

Scary. For both radio and records.

It’s something that has to happen. The system as it is today is out of control. Will the FCC have to get involved to bring order back to the chaos?

Most major radio companies see the flaws in the present system and understand that the license of a station is worth far more than any promotion.

As a matter of good programming, you should be careful. There is a thin line between asking for promotional support for a record that fits with your programming philosophy and playing a record that doesn’t fit because of a promotion.

I’ve got fifty…who’ll make it seventy-five?

You say you would never do that? You would never prostitute yourself or your radio station? If you ask form promotions with each record add, you’ve already established what you are…the record promoters are just negotiating the price.

Sold!

8/5/1994

It’s that time of year again, although lately, almost any time of years is that time of year. Again.

I’m referring to the T.J. Martell Golf Tournament. Actually, the official name of the round-up of the usual suspects is something much more sophisticated, but to most of us, it’s the Martell Golf Tournament.

And that’s what has me hot.

Not the charity, mind you. The T.J. Martel Foundation is supported by our industry like none other…and rightfully so. It’s the golf tournament…or more accurately, the size of the golf tournament that is out of control.

Let me put it to you in a way you can understand. There are too many radio and record people playing golf. Years ago, the golf tournament was conceived by a few die-hard hackers who weren’t into the bowling that was the major feature of the fund raiser. That first year, they were hard-pressed to come up with six groups.

Now? Forget about it.

There are at least two groups of five teeing it up on each hole. And two tournaments: One begins at 7:30 am, the other at 1 pm.

And it’s getting like this every day on every golf course.

I have only myself to blame. Along with a few others who share my grief and pain.

Once upon a time, there was space available for anyone who wanted to play. You could tee it up almost anywhere for about $20 weekdays and $50 on the weekend. But there were few people to play with. Plenty of old men in funny clothes, but none who could relate to what you were all about. So those of us who played began trying to convince others in our business to take it up. That was our biggest mistake. We were too successful. Not at golf. At getting others to try it. The industry fell in love with the game with a vengeance.

Time was, a good rock-and-roller wouldn’t be caught dead on a golf course. Now, half of them have their own tournaments. This year, no less than Eddie Van Halen hosted his own. And the tattooed arms of Motley Crue, Alice Cooper, Judas Priest and other hard rockers book their tours around the availability of golf courses near the venues at which they play.

No wonder Ben Hogan hung it up.

I taught a lot of people in our business the game. It was born of necessity. I had to have someone to pay. I’m sure others will claim that they wee in the same line, but I believe that I (along with Clay Gish) was the first to play golf for adds. I even recall the first record bet I lost. I took on Bob Garland, then of Columbian Records, for “We Just Disagree” by Dave Mason. If I had made par on the 18^th hole, the song might have never made it.

Golf has been a large part of my life…and my business. I was taught in Mississippi by my father, who refused to buy me golf shoes until I beat him playing barefoot. He also made me shoot 40 on the front side with one club before he would get me a full set. (My favorite bet is to play nine with one club and no shoes!) My dad also taught me at an early age to control my temper. The first time I hat a bad shot and threw my club, he fired his 5-iron at my knees from about 20 feet. I still walk with a slight limp, but haven’t tossed a club since.

Growing up in the South, I learned to gamble on the game. Naturally, I passed this along. Nassau, Automatic 2 Downs, Air Press, Rabbit, Captain, Pirate, Skins, Hammer and Pingo, Pango, Pongo just to name a few. I also learned the needle. In golf, you aren’t supposed to talk when your opponent is hitting. In the South, you can jabber right up to impact. Some of the most common phrases in the entertainment foursomes? Heidi Fleiss (a hook, as in hooker), O.J. (slice), Billy Martin (a dead Yank), Linda Rondstadt (a ball that flies past another on the fairway is in “Blue Bayou”…blew by you), “Help Me Rhonda” (or any other Beach Boy song, meaning the ball landed in a sand trap), Obi Wan Kanobe (out of bounds…O.B.), Jethro Tull (in the water…from “Aqualung”), etc.

I believe I first met Bob Garland, Bruce Hix, Sammy Alfano, Bill Richards, Todd Cavanaugh, Rick Gillette, Justin Fontaine, David Leach, Jerry Dean and John Brody playing golf. And it’s a lead-pipe cinch I’ve had some down-to-the-wire finishes with these and more, including Les Garland, Rick Dees, Al Coury, Bill Pfordresher, Jim Burruss, Steve Smith, Michael Prince and Rocky.

I must admit I got a lot of people to take up the game, including Burt Baumgartner. He was an LPM in San Francisco when I programmed KFRC (back when it meant something). I insisted on golf games on Tuesday mornings and didn’t give out the adds until the turn.

I’m even responsible for the impossible: Getting Network Forty publisher Gary Bird hooked. So far, Gary’s favorite club is his “fore” iron, but he’s coming along.

Golf has shown me a lot of great times. Playing in the snow with Jim Parsons in Tahoe; making an eagle on 18 at Calabassas with Gar-Man to keep a decade-long string of ties alive; making my first hole-in-one in the presence of Dave Urso (his first visit to a golf course) and hearing him nonchalantly say, “Nice shot;” chipping out of the scorers’ tent at the L.A. Open to within three feet of the pin as the gallery roared (I missed the putt), seeing Bill Thompson throw his club into a tree and watching it stay there; meeting John Wayne in the Lakeside locker room; witnessing Hix choke the club pro for putting another group in front of us; Rocky running his cart into the tree at Pebble Beach and watching Burt and his famous “pudge” shoot that nearly killed Dutch in a sand trap.

My greatest joy was beating Kid Leo out of a free set of golf clubs on the last shot of the day in the “closest to the pin” contest at last year’s Martell. Also starting the “Kind of Annual Gerry Peterson Memorial” 18 years ago when I changed my air name. The third one is coming up in a month if I can find anyone to pop for the T-shirts.

But all these stories bring me back to the original problem: There are too many people in our business playing golf. It’s damned near impossible to get a tee-time in Los Angeles because of you people who wear bright shirts and plaid pants and shoot 150 with a mulligan after every shot. Can’t some of you go back to tennis?

Fore!

7/25/1994

The largest contingent of radio and record people in the country got together last week in Fargo, North Dakota. That should have been the tip-off. We were al supposed to be in Minneapolis. But such are the stories that make the Conclave what it is. Don’t press me on an exact definition.

But, there we were. In Fargo. On the taxi-way. Waiting for the weather in Minneapolis to break. Planes and people from all points west. Los Angeles…San Francisco…San Diego. In Fargo. In the rain. In a plane. What a pain!

I could look out the window and wave to Dave Sholin. He was in another plane. On the same runway. Waiting. Like me, not happy. Unlike me, he wasn’t as vocal about it.

This story will tell you a thing or two about the Conclave and the people who attend. There is a point and I will get to it…eventually. On my flight, among other luminaries, was Laura Henson of Island. I didn’t know Laura very well when we boarded. After Fargo, I feel she is one of my closest friends. Three hours in Fargo does, after all, seem like a lifetime.

Our plane was due to arrive in Minneapolis at five o’clock. After the thunderstorms, tornadoes, hail, fire and brimstone closed the airport, we were informed that our flight wouldn’t touch down in the Twin Cities until ten-thirty. This is five-and-a-half hours after our scheduled arrival. Both of us were being met by radio programmers. During our sojourn in Fargo, after the second (or was it the third?) double-vodka, we figured that our rides had long since given up hope that we would be arriving within a reasonable waiting period and had returned home. We would be left to fend for ourselves.

Not that we were nervous about it. Minneapolis, though quite off the path beaten to death by all of us in the business, still provided taxis. I was sure of it. Not positive, mind you, but pretty sure. Rumor had it.

Anyhow, we decided to share a cab once the plane landed. Of course, that was assuming we would ever leave Fargo. And we did. Eventually. We landed in the Twin Cities at ten-forty-five.

So what’s the point?

The radio people who promised to meet us were there waiting. Both of them. Smiling.

Tell the truth. Have any of you reading this ever waited for over five hours at the airport to pick up anyone other than a close family member? Don’t even think about it. You know you haven’t. But that’s the Conclave. And the people who attend it. And, I guess, the people of the Midwest in general.

My only question is are they really this nice or is Minneapolis so boring that waiting at the airport is more exciting than just about anything else there is to do?

The answer is yes. The face it, they really are and it really is.

So why go to the Conclave? Hey, for one thing, we’ve had about a convention a month this year and I wanted to make sure Network Forty was represented at all of them. No matter where I had to travel. Besides, the Conclave is fun…sort of. The people are nice. And it is the only place that you can really sit down, meet new faces and have a dialogue that is meaningful. If only you didn’t have to fly Northwest.

Minneapolis is a trip in itself. Full of very white people who breathe through their mouths and have a lot of space between their eyes. And their teeth. My kind of folks.

The Conclave has meetings that begin at nine in the morning. And they’re full. What’s wrong with this picture?

Minneapolis has to be the only major city in the country where the O.J. Simpson trial wasn’t the main topic of conversation, thank God. Actually, there wasn’t a main topic of conversation. Come to think of it, there wasn’t a lot of conversation, either.

But where else can you drink for two hours with 12 guys at the bar and the tab comes to $55? The biggest rumor at the Conclave was that TGI Fridays was closing. Steve Leavitt usually hosts a dinner for radio people there and this year he didn’t make it. That caused a lot of forlorn faces. Mark Gorlick more than made up for it, however, and in the process spoiled a lot of programmers with the MCA dinner at Ruth’s Criss. That TGI Fridays ruse won’t work next time, Leavitt.

The Conclave is a little quirky. It reminds me of Ocean Spray cocktails. They both mix odd combinations of fruits. At first glance, it doesn’t make a lot of sense, but once you experience it in total, it’s tangerine!

Where else could you find a panel that consisted of legendary programmer Paul Drew and soon-to-be-legendary Jerry Clifton? It was 20 years ago this summer when Drew pulled Clifton from oblivion and hired him to program the RKO station in New York City. Drew asked me to spend some time with Jerry to teach him the RKO way. WE both got dead drunk. I would like to take credit for teaching Clifton a thing or two, but I honestly think he already knew how to drink.

And where else could you find me agreeing with Joel Denver? (Almost. About monitored airplay. In a meeting hosted by Dave Sholin. What can I say? I got confused. It happens in meetings with Sholin.) I just feel that in many cases, the record industry is placing importance on radio stations for the wrong reasons. All to often, a stations becomes important because it is monitored…not because of an aggressive music policy or because it sells records. It reminds me of the Parallel System the industry fought so hard to lose. We should be careful to judge each radio station’s worth on individual merits. Not because of ordained status.

Hey, it’s just my opinion.

As at just about every convention, some of the panels went too long and some of the speakers were a bit boring. I even left my panel early, so I can’t blame everybody else. But taken as a whole, the Conclave remains unique among all conventions. Unique enough that I’ll go back next year and give it another shot.

Maybe they should hold it in Fargo!

7/8/1994

I opened up this morning’s L.A. Times and was stunned. For the first time since the crime, there was nothing on the front page about O.J. Simpson. This was, of course, the Tuesday after a long 4^th of July holiday. The Los Angeles press had written just about everything there was to right or wrong about anybody and everything connected. So I suppose the L.A. Times could be forgiven. They finally ran out of ink. If only for a day.

I feel confident that my O.J. jones will be fixed with the resumption of the hearing. I’m sure the L.A. Times will find headlines for the rest of this week’s editions. It is, after all, an editor’s dream. Not enough real news for the front page? Drop in some more O.J. Need filler for page 10? Drop in some O.J. Running short in the Sports Section? How about some pictures of O.J. in a football uniform?

And television? They can’t get enough O.J. You have every anchor at every channel doing a stand-up from the crime scene with their special “input” and spin. I drove by the Juice’s house this weekend. The police won’t let most civilians get near the gates. It’s not because they’re afraid of spoiling the crime scene. It’s because there is so much traffic from news reporters that other cars would cause gridlock. My fault. I forget to check the O.J. traffic reports on cable O.J.T.V.

And the captions sound like Hard Copy at its best. “Limo driver lives with mother.” (What a cad!) “Kato is an actor/writer who pays no rent.” (That’s a scoop in Hollywood?) “O.J. put his own bags in the trunk.” (Unbelievable.)

Between print and video, we’ve seen just about every stone turned. (Except Mick and the boys. Their new album isn’t due for another week!) Each medium regurgitates daily, hourly, even minute-by-minute accounts of the nothing that is sometimes happening. There’s even coverage on the coverage. Imagine, the reporting of the news is becoming a bigger story.

So what does a Contemporary Music radio station do when a story of this magnitude breaks?

Most of them take gas.

Years ago, some idiot read a piece of research upside down and became convinced that the audience of a Top 40 radio station was not interested in news. Under the guise of research, news was removed from most Top 40 stations. It remains an endangered species today.

It wasn’t research that killed news. It was budget cuts. Was this right? In a perfect world, no. Was it necessary? In most cases, yes.

It is a fact that the majority of listeners don’t want to hear a lot of news. (They also don’t want to hear commercials, but we manage to run the anyhow.) A case can be made for updating the listeners hourly…particularly in the morning and afternoon hours. Noon wouldn’t be a bad idea either.

Does anyone reading this believe your audience would tune out for a one-minute news update? Rephrase your research questions. Ask it again and get back to me.

Music radio does not operate in a vacuum. Our listeners are in touch with more than just music. We must be in touch with all things of interest to them.

It is important to have a semi-literate news person on your staff for several reasons. Three really stand out:

First, someone from your station must be in daily contact with news sources (police, fire, etc.) so when a big story breaks (and sooner or later, one always does), you will have someone familiar to the sources so your station can gain information. You won’t get anything from anyone if they aren’t already familiar with you.

Second, news should be a regular part of your programming so your audience will feel secure in the knowledge that if something does happen, they will hear about it on your station. Why give them a reason to tune out to get the latest news. Give it to them in 60 seconds. Like a quick dose of medicine. They know it’s good for them. Then they’ll feel safe knowing that if the world does come to an end, they’ll hear about it on your station right after the newest release by Pearl Jam.

Third, you’ll have someone to do those terrible public service interviews required by the FCC. (Hey, this is reason enough to hire a college graduate holding a broadcast degree with no hope of employment anywhere else!)

And when there is a breaking story, make your station a part of it…in news as well as promotions. A Top 40 radio station cannot connect with every breaking news story. But as a program director, you should be acutely aware of the stories that capture the attention of your listeners.

Right after Simpson’s judge revealed the mysterious evidence in a manila folder, your stations should have been giving away manila folders with something secret inside.

You should also have your air talent connecting with the drama. I’m not talking liners; I’m talking about being a part of it.

Having a morning talent like Rick Dees giving afternoon updates on the O.J. Simpson trial would be great theatre. It adds an element that no other station could match.

Making your morning talent part of the story (and conversely, your afternoon talent part of the morning updates) connects them with the listeners in a positive way. Your audience hears your air talent introducing and talking about songs and entertainment facts. Putting them in the middle of an important news event makes them sound more connected and knowledgeable. Your audience might even start to trust them. And believe them. And listen to them more.

It’s one thing to comment on the story as an interested observer, but it is important to actually be a part of it. By giving the audience information “from the scene” or from a source makes the audience think your talent is special.

“Did you hear what Rick Dees said about the trial?” is a lot more relatable than, “Did you hear what Channel 4 said?” If your talent is a part of the reporting, they also must become a part of the story.

There is another, more diabolical reason to have your morning talent (or any other jock that occasionally lets his ego get in the way) reporting some news stories. The next time he ticks you off, send him to the ghetto to cover those riots up close and personal.

And make sure he doesn’t forget the phrase that pays: “Don’t lose ’em, news ’em!”

7/1/1994

It is the only true sign that summer is upon us. Forge the rising mercury…the afternoon thunderstorms…the mini-skirts…thongs…baseball…vacation plans and the drop-tops moving down the main drag. The question that truly puts an end to spring while marking the beginning of the dog days…the six words that put it all into perspective: “Are you going to the Poe?”

For nearly a quarter-century, Bobby Poe has held his convention in Virginia. This includes his attempts to move the thang to Atlanta. A lot of slick operators convinced Bobby that he should go big-time and take his convention to a larger, more centrally located city. They said it would be better. Attract more people. Make more money.

They were wrong.

The Poe just doesn’t play in convenient surroundings. You can’t just drop in. You have to want to go.

How did this all come about? Why are we arguing the value of conventions? To understand the phenomenon of the Bobby Poe convention, you must go back in history. It just so happens that 23 years ago, Bobby decided to invite a bunch of his friends down for a gathering.

Because that’s what it was. And that’s what it always has been. A gathering of friends.

In the beginning, it was the Bobby Poe Convention. That didn’t fit. It became, simply, the Poe. And it was good. It has endured the test of time. It’s kind of like the Masters. Well, maybe not.

Those who are quick to condemn the Poe because “nothing is ever accomplished” should have to file a report on the major accomplishments at other conventions. Has anyone ever stood up during the middle of a panel discussion anywhere and said, “I understand. I have been wrong. I have seen the light. I will change my ways beginning first thing tomorrow?”

Conventions, all conventions, are more often judged today on what they don’t accomplish. And most don’t accomplish a lot.

Where the Poe differs from the others is that it never promised a lot in the first place.

It wasn’t so very long ago that there were only two conventions a year: Gavin on the West Coast and the Poe back East. Now, it seems like there is a convention every third week or so for something. I mean, are we gathering next week in New York for the New Music Convention or are we massing for a Conclave in Minneapolis? Or is there a video deal in Miami or that computer interaction in Las Vegas? Maybe it’s a Dance thing in New Jersey, or a Blues forum in Memphis or a Jazz-t-thon in New Orleans.

And who is speaking at these things? President Clinton? Tipper Gore? The head of the FCC?

Who cares?

The Poe has always been special. It wasn’t who was speaking, but who was there. It wasn’t who was on the panels, but who was hanging in the halls. It was then, and it is today, a long weekend hang with no pressure. I gave us all the time to get to know others in the business.

Oh, there was a time when the Poe was a rite of passage. You hadn’t grown up in radio or records until you had experienced your first Poe.

Who can forget the nude couple who descended on the escalator at two o’clock in the morning while being egged on to greater exhibitions by a crowd of revelers? Or the time the breakfast meetings were cancelled and the bars opened at 7 am? What happened to the hookers who roamed the halls and the aging beauties in evening gowns who attended the gala cocktail party?

And the Poe always brought out the best characters. Was that Bill Drake holding court in the bar? Buzz Bennett spending the night in the elevator? John Fagot with the pig’s head? Long John challenging somebody…anybody to a fight. There’s Scott Shannon saying he doesn’t know anything about ratings except how to make them go up. Didn’t Bob Wilson get invited early in the launch of R&R? He did have a few drinks and tried to play guitar with a local band. I know, because I was with him. And the ghost of John Long lives at every Poe with the sightings of a chubby streaker chugging through the lobby with a lighted tail of toilet paper stringing behind. Was a winner ever determined in those fire extinguisher Olympics? What about the MD who was found in the grocery store shopping in her nightgown? And can anyone forget Jim Davenport, who always brought an excuse from his wife allowing him to fool around “just a little?”

And before you start complaining that it’s all about the good old days, it was only last year when two label executives got into a screaming match in the hotel lobby, innocent comments made in two panel discussions made headlines (and problems for the individuals) and the boa made his first appearance.

Long before it became fashionable, Bobby started a golf tournament. Why? Because some people wanted to play. That’s all it takes at the Poe. Why are you doing that? Because someone wanted to do that. It’s that simple.

Pretense? There’s none at the Poe. The most egotistical radio or record person will eventually be brought down in flames. That bar is a nasty place for phonies, especially after midnight.

So what if Bobby nominates everybody for everything? So does Gavin. And who wasn’t proud when they won? Those who have given an acceptance speech at one Poe or another read like a Who’s Who of the radio and record industries.

Maybe there aren’t quite as many people who attend as before. The truth is that there aren’t as many people in our business as before. Real people. The Poe still draws more than those regional or specialized deals that pop up in other places.

In a couple of years, we’ll be celebrating the 25^th anniversary of the Poe and many feel it may be the last. If that happens, I’ve got a feeling we’ll miss the camaraderie and the good times. We’ll miss the opportunity to make complete and total fools of ourselves without any repercussions because we can blame it on the Poe.

I’ll certainly miss the longest running industry poker game in history. And since I’m down a couple of dollars, I’ve got only one thing to say to those of you who want to be critical of the Poe:

Shut up and deal.

6/3/1994

I am a little pissed off today. How is that different from any other day? Not much. On a strictly day-to-day basis, I find myself pissed off a lot.

I’m not talking about being inconvenienced, hurt, disappointed, upset or angry. I’m talking pissed off. Let me explain. You’re inconvenienced if you make a dinner date with someone and they cancel. You’re pissed off if that person is someone you’ve been waiting a long time to see and he or she blows you off without regard to your feelings. You’re angry if the person ditches you and goes out with someone you hate.

Do you get my drift? Pissed off falls somewhere in the middle of emotional extremes. It’s more than a little annoying, but short of an insanity defense for murder. No one has yet been acquitted of a felony by pleading to the judge that he was just too pissed of to reason correctly. Yet.

Pissed off is not a state of mind. You can be depressed for no obvious reason. You can be happy for no particular reason. But to be pissed off, you must have a reason. Something or someone has to be blamed. This is called, “What pisses you off.”

After giving more than a little thought to the subject (so much that I began to get pissed off), I determined that the particulars that piss me off fall into four, broad categories. You may disagree, but I don’t care. (Does that piss you off?) Those categories are: People, Places, Things and Situations.

Shall we begin?

People who piss me off:

1. Jehovah’s Witnesses.
2. President Clinton. (Be a man. Make a decision. Run in long pants. Blow the sax instead of the country.
3. Lawyers.
4. Bartenders.
5. Talking airline pilots. (You know, those who feel compelled to tell you about every monument the plane passes over while you’re trying to sleep.)
6. Personal things.
7. Dan Rostenkowski
8. Egotistical program directors who believe they are geniuses, not realizing it’s where they are, not who they are, that makes them important to the industry. (All who support Network Forty are, of course, excluded from this category. The fact that they support Network Forty proves that they are wise and intelligent people.)
9. Egotistical record executives who think they are geniuses. It’s the artist, stupid! (All who advertise and support Network Forty are, of course, excluded from this category. The fact that they advertise and support Network Forty proves that they are wise and intelligent people.)
10. Bruce Hix.
11. Referees.
12. The Heavyweight Champion of the World. (Whoever he is.)
13. Any maitre’de who doesn’t recognize me.
14. Good dancers.
15. Bad drivers. (Defined as anyone else driving any other car except me.)
16. People who take credit for getting everyone their jobs.
17. Those who talk in movies.
18. Proctologists.
19. Television evangelists. (Except Dr. Gene Scott. He rocks.)
20. Those who call me and ask, “Who is this?” when I answer. (You called me, idiot!)
21. The Chrome Lizard.
22. Waiters who introduce themselves.
23. Moonies.
24. Dwayne “Hillbilly” Ward.

Places that piss me off:

1. Airports.
2. Political fund-raisers.
3. Airplanes.
4. The backseats of cars.
5. New Jersey.
6. Georgia.
7. Dentist offices.
8. Emergency rooms.
9. Anywhere a tuxedo is required.
10. The upper deck.
11. San Francisco.
12. Traffic school.
13. Banks.
14. Jewelry stores that always offer 50% off.
15. Being last in line.
16. Dude ranches.
17. Court.

Things that piss me off:

1. Parking tickets.
2. Traffic tickets.
3. Intelligence tests.
4. A wicked slice.
5. Panty hose.
6. Rolls Royces (and the people who drive them).
7. Pay television.
8. Reruns.
9. The Super Bowl.
10. Tuesday Music Day.
11. Deadlines.
12. One particular record company.
13. Reading glasses.
14. Low toilets.
15. AIDS.
16. “Stairway To Heaven.”
17. Telethons.
18. Answering machines.
19. 3-piece suits.
20. Opening acts.
21. Computers.
22. The wave.
23. MTV.
24. Classic Rock.

Situations that piss me off:

1. Planes that are late when I’m on time.
2. Planes that are on time when I’m late.
3. Waiting in a doctor’s office after making an appointment.
4. Standing in line to buy tickets.
5. Not having the right pass to get backstage.
6. To be continued…
7. Say habla espanol.
8. Have a nice day.

All of these people, places, things and situations piss me off. But the one constant…the one specific that day-after-day, week-after-week pisses me off the most is…me. I’m sure you can relate. And that really pisses me off.

Have a nice day.

5/27/1994

If you’re in the record business, Mondays are manic, Tuesdays you panic, Wednesdays are for paperwork filing, Thursdays you’re smiling and dialing, Fridays you hurry and on the weekends you worry. Why? Because radio does the music on Tuesdays. And therein lies the rub.

Why Tuesdays?

It is a fact that our business is abnormal in almost every facet. But our work week sometimes seems way out of whack. Is there a single day in any other industry that is as important as Tuesday is to ours? Does Reebok get that load of shoes on Tuesday? Does Apple incorporate their new software procedures on Tuesday? Do the airlines only fly on Tuesdays? Does the stock market depend on Tuesday’s Dow Jones to gauge the week? Does the Defense Department only go to war on Tuesdays? (Hold that thought. After a cursory check, it seems that an inordinate number of the USA’s actual police actions did begin on Tuesday. Maybe there is a hidden connection with the CIA.)

Most industries begin their weeks on Mondays and end on Fridays. Isn’t this how we invented weekends?

Not the radio and record industries. No. Hell, no. We may be dragged kicking and screaming into the norm some day in the future, but not, by God, this week.

With all the changes going down in our industries in the Year-Of-Our-Clinton 1994, some on the record side thought it might be time to push the envelope even further. Why not, they asked, have radio report playlist changes on another day? What day, I asked. Thursdays, they said. Why? Because if radio stations reported adds on Thursdays, we could leave early on Fridays and relax all weekend.

There were other considerations, of course. If radio added records on Thursdays, then record companies would have three solid days for set-up and pressurization. Now, record companies usually schedule set-up meetings on Wednesdays. Targets are set on the same day. Thursdays and Fridays are spent calling radio. But it’s sometimes hard to convey the urgency of an add that won’t happen until the following week. Programmers have an easy out on Thursdays and Fridays. The famous, “Looks good…call me next week” phrase has led more than one promotion person down the road to sin and destruction. Plus, even if you get a commitment, the programmer then has the weekend to think about it and possibly have a change of heart. Or worse, it gives a promotion person from another label two full days to fly the programmer to Hawaii and offer a better deal.

Thursday adds would work better for many record companies. But what about radio?

Ah. And therein lies another rub.

Several months ago, I wrote a tongue-in-cheek Editorial that questioned why radio began doing music on Tuesdays. I made up quite a compelling story that became gospel to may in the industry. The real story isn’t so black-and-white.

Radio began doing music on Tuesday years ago for one simple reason: It works best for radio. Radio generated requests beginning on Mondays. Radio needed weekend requests to make the tabulations accurate. Ditto for sales. Weekend sales information was crucial to determine the hottest records.

Times haven’t changed that much.

In the past several months, as different trade magazines have jockeyed for position with the diminishing influence of R&R, many have tried to dictate to radio. All have tried to mandate different policies under the guise of being “good for radio.” Fortunately for Network Forty, few of these trades bother to ask radio. We always attempt to reflect radio’s position. And we continue to do so.

After canvassing radio programmers from the smallest markets to the latest, the consensus is that Tuesday is still the best day for radio to prepare music.

Why?

The answers vary.

Comfort plays a big key. Programmers are comfortable the way it is. Radio programmers; weeks have been set up to do music on Tuesday for years.

Along with the comfort comes the simple fact that it ain’t broke, so why fix it?

Although SoundScan provides data on Wednesdays, most radio stations still receive their in-house research either on Mondays or Fridays. Either way, Mondays are generally spent reviewing the research. Final decisions are made on Tuesdays.

It’s important for radio to add new music on Tuesday or Wednesday. This gives programmers several weekdays to daypart songs if necessary or to determine the strength of new music via requests or on-air sound. The information will then be used to decide whether or not to schedule the songs over the weekend. This lead time is necessary.

Another important fact concerns music scheduling. There was a time when new records were just put in the control room and the jocks played them when they wanted. No longer. Each day of music is now carefully scheduled in advance. Music directors need time to input the new songs into their music scheduling software. They also need time to actually schedule the music. If music were done on Thursdays, music directors would have to schedule Friday’s music late Thursday night, then turn around and schedule three complete days (Saturday, Sunday, Monday) in one day…Friday, when everyone wants to get out early.

With changes prevalent in the industry today brought on by Plays Per Week, BDS, SoundScan and other retail research, programmers are constantly searching for the special edge that will make them winners in the their market. They have no time for unnecessary wallpaper touch-ups (such as changing music days) that have little to do with their daily operation.

As one major-market programmer said, “I’ll be happy to give the industry my adds and rotations on Thursdays. But I’ll continue to do them on Tuesdays just like always.”

Sometimes, trade magazines tend to run on their own, hidden agendas. We all need to remember that Tuesday is playlist day because it is best for radio. What works best for radio works best for Network Forty.

Besides, we have a hidden agenda. If add day was move to Thursday, we couldn’t take Friday off!