Shut Up And Dance

10/18/1996

After months of preparation, Network 40 is proud to debut the nation’s first official radio-based Dance chart in this issue.  When Debby Peterson and I began this project, we were faced with a lot of questions.  Before we could put together a section of Network 40 devoted to Dance music, we had to answer those questions to our satisfaction.  In our discussions, many of the people in the industry had questions as well.  Listed below are the questions and answers that we contemplated while putting together America’s first and only definitive radio-based Dance chart.  Call us if you need any additional information or if you have any input in the ongoing design of our “Essential Dance” section.

Q:  Why a Dance Chart?

With the recent recognition of Dance music, we believe that a radio-based Dance chart will be an essential tool in helping programmers find Mainstream Dance hits.  With the success of Dance stations, particularly WKTU New York, it is evident that this format is viable and will be attracting new converts in the coming months.  It’s no longer a question of whether more stations will join the format, but when and how many.  Dance music has mutated into many different styles over the past 10 years. (House, Garage, Techno, Trip-Hop, Euro, Drum & Bass, Jungle, Ambient, Acid Jazz, Hip-Hop, Trance, etc.).  The Essential Dance chart will encompass the Mainstream Dance hits of this format.  With cumulative spins reported by our Dance stations, programmers will be able to find the most commercially viable Dance music.  For example, if a new Dance artist is generating top-40 spins on the Network 40 Essential Dance Chart, it’s an indicator that the artist/songs has potential to cross over to Top 40 Radio.

Q:  Is Dance music making a comeback or is this just another fad?

We believe this question is irrelevant!  The bottom line is Dance music is here now.  Whether it’s here for the long-term or the short-term, we are committed to providing you with the most up-to-date radio and retail information on Dance music.  The long-term success or WKTU New York isn’t relevant to advertisers or listeners.  They aren’t waiting to see if the station is still doing well next year.  They want their products sold today!

Q:  Which stations are reporters for the Essential Dance Chart?

WKTU New York
KACD (Groove Radio) Los Angeles
WBBM Chicago
KHTS San Diego
KNHC Seattle
WMYK Norfolk
WQZQ Nashville
CKEY Buffalo
KDNR Albuquerque
KQMQ Honolulu
CIDC Toronto
CING Toronto

These are the charter members of the Network 40 Essential Dance Chart.  All PDs and MDs may receive solid gold Chrome Lizard pins…then again, they may not.  Stations will be added to the Dance panel as formats are adjusted and the Dance format expands.

Q:  Will mix shows be included in the Dance chart?

Initially, we will only include commercial Dance stations as reporters to that chart.  However, it is our objective to also have a mix show Dance chart.  We realize the importance of mix shows and how they reflect the core Dance audience, as well as paving the way for future mainstream Dance hits.  We will include a mix show Dance chart in the future.

Q:  Who will be writing the Essential Dance column?

Sat Bisla.

Q:  Who the hell is Sat Bisla?

He’s some foreigner from England who loves Dance music!  Sat has been involved in the Dance club and radio scene for over 12 years.  His love of Dance music began in the late ‘70s with Earth Wind & Fire, Kraftwerk, Chic, Gary Numan, Blondie, etc.

After moving to the U.S. in the early ‘80s, Sat began DJing in the clubs and on radio.  His music tastes were broad, ranging from Yazoo, Sister Sledge, Cabaret Voltaire, Run DMC, Tom Tom Club to The Cure.

Today, Sat’s favorites in Dance music range from The Chemical Brothers, Planet Soul, Orbital, Real McCoy and Underworld to Armand Van Helden.  Sat has consistently maintained his passion for both Dance and Alternative music.  He is in close contact with the Dance community in the U.S. and keeps up on what’s happening with Dance music on an international level.  Sat currently doubles as an Editor at VIRTUALLYATERNATIVE, Network 40’s bastard child, so check him out yourself in his first column in this issue.

Q:  What else will be included in the Essential Dance page?

Besides the Top-20 most-played Dance songs and Sat’s column, each week Network 40’s retail department will report the top-selling Dance singles, as well as the Top-5 up-and-coming new tunes.  Network 40 will provide the country’s first retail Dance chart. The chart will feature exclusive Dance sales charts from retail outlets that report to Network 40.  Our retail department will feature exclusive sales information from markets that have Dance stations that report to the Network 40 Essential Dance Chart.

Q:  Are there any other reasons for the Dance chart?

Yes.  At Network 40, we believe in all music.  We also believe that any music format able to drive a station to the #1 slot in New York City is a viable format and we will support it.

Besides, Hix hates Dance music. If for no other reason, we like it.

Q:  Who’s your favorite Bee Gee?

We hate the Bee Gees!

Hits And Misses

9/20/1996

Alan Malamud died this week.  He wrote a daily sports column for the L.A. Times, so most of you won’t have the slightest idea who he is.  His column dealt with everything…but nothing specifically.  Sort of like this Editorial.

The industry was shaken last week with the murder of Tupac Shakur.  Shaken and certainly saddened, but were any of us totally surprised?  Tupac’s life and times were well documented.  The fact that he went down in a hail of gunfire, although tragic, is not out of character when one considers the environment in which he was raised and continued to live.

Tupac’s lifestyle contributed greatly to his art.  Would he have been as successful had he been born and raised in affluent Beverly Hills?  It’s doubtful that he would have possessed the cutting edge and the biting social commentary.

It is a fact of life and certainly a part of our business that artistic success does not always bring joy and happiness.  Artists are different.  If they weren’t, we could all sing and dance our way to the top of the charts.  But too often, the darkness of their character is the essence of their art.  Why should we expect a change because they become successful?  In most cases, success is the antithesis of what the artist is.

Life and lifestyles dictate an artist’s core…not success.  Jimi Hendrix was hooked on heroin long before he made it big.  Jim Morrison’s over indulgence began long before “Light My Fire.”  Kurt Cobain’s experiences with the dark side didn’t start with “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”

It isn’t surprising that artists don’t change with success.  What is surprising is that we expect them to do so.  Because a person has a top-selling album, why do we believe that artist is suddenly more intelligent, more knowledgeable and more capable of dealing with life?  Is stardom, and the difficulties that go with it, the artist’s problem or is it ours…for expecting too much?

We all have baggage that we carry with us on life’s journey.  Unfortunately, most of us are incapable of leaving it beside the track when we board a better train.

Last week, the editor of Hits magazine took an uncharacteristic shot at KIIS Los Angeles PD John Cook…and, for that matter, former PD Steve Perun…when outlining the current ratings picture in L.A. by saying, “Isn’t it about time the station just played the hits instead of trying to invent their own?  We all hope John Cook would end the Steve Perun era of one-off Dance singles that are 6 months or more old, but instead he has moved the station even further from mass-appeal hits.”

If you read my Editorials, you know I have no problem with anyone stepping out and saying what they feel.  However, it would seem reasonable that the person being critical would at least have some basic knowledge of the subject or person who is the object of the criticism.  As a radio guy, it particularly galls me when someone with no programming background or expertise has the audacity to blast those who do.  John Cook said he wished he had a forum to respond, but I told him not to worry… we would be glad to provide it.  Lenny Beer can’t program his VCR, much less a heritage Top 40 station in the nation’s #2 market.

That said, let me comment on the specifics of the critique.  Hit’s is critical of Cook’s attempt to find records for his stations rather than just “playing the hits.”  In today’s marketplace, many times PDs must find the songs to generate the tempo that drives their stations.  Why does Hitz take a shot at Cook for “finding” records that fit the KIIS format, while praising Kevin Weatherly at KROQ and Michelle Mercer at KPWR for doing the same?  Maybe Hicks just doesn’t get it.

Heitz seems to have a problem with Dance music in general.  Earlier editorial comments have suggested that Dance records don’t build artists. I guess Madonna and Whitney Houston (just to mention a couple) don’t count.  With all due respect to Hacks, it isn’t the genre, but the artist who builds a career.  Great artists…from Bette Midler to Billy Joel to Guns “N” Roses to Mariah Carey…rise above the mathematics of any format to become stars.

Maybe Hets also doesn’t understand that a PD’s job is to increase the ratings of the radio stations…playing the hits that the audience might like.  John Cook has an especially difficult task.  With the methodology of Arbitron and the distinct demo, geo and psychographics of the L.A. metro, can a true Top 40 station carve a mark?  No one really knows.  At least John is trying to find out by playing as large a cross-section of songs as any Top 40 in a major market.  So what if he is leaning a little Dance?  So are a lot of stations…including the #1 station in New York, in case Heets didn’t know.

It sounds personal.  Fhits should be satisfied with John Cook at KIIS. The only person who could possibly do it better is me…and trust me on this one, Lenny, you would really hate that!

The death of Sunny Joe White last week gave us all pause.  Our industry has lost a few powerful souls over the past few years, but losing Sunny, Joe Ianello and Charlie Minor at so young an age made me reflect on more than just the personal loss of not having them as a continuing part of my life.  It turned my thoughts inward.

None of us know how long we’ve got left.  We want to think of our 40s as middle age, but I’m sure that’s what those above felt.  We all want to be an extended mix, but some of us will be edits.  Besides, what’s more important:  How long the candle burns or how bright?

I’ve always believed that I’ve led a charmed life.  The worst it has ever been is wonderful.  But in the past few months I’ve questioned how I’ve lived my life, how I want to live the rest of my life and how I want to be remembered.  Do I want to be remembered as the guy who used plastic army figures to fire a staff or the person who touched the lives of many and made a positive difference; as the guy who wrote a great novel or a trash flash like PAYOLA!; as a kind, gentle, open person who truly cared about those I encountered or as a funny, caustic, sarcastic bastard who shot from the hip; as a person who caused positive change or someone who caused trouble; as a caring, thoughtful person or an outlaw?

Judging from this column…all of the above.

Becoming Adult

8/9/1996 

Over the past several months, Network 40 has been asking a lot of questions to a lot of different people.  In a continuing effort to expand our audience and increase our TSR (Time Spent Reading), we’ve sought your input in ways to make Network 40 even more valuable.

It wasn’t long ago when Network 40 was the new kid on the block, struggling to show our personality and make new friends.  It’s funny…early on, we were one of the last picked for the basketball team; new kids always are.  Others made jokes about us and said we looked weird…until they got to know us.  Then they found out we could hit that outside jumper and rebound pretty well, and the next thing you know, we’ve been voted “Most Popular” and “Most Likely To Succeed.”

I love this business.

Anyhow, the absolute staple of Network 40 has been…and will continue to be…our desire to be a reflection of the industry we serve. We try and find out what you want…then give it to you…It’s not brain surgery.  How could it be?  We don’t have brains.

K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple, Stupid.

We can do that.

What’s not so simple is finding a way to please all of our listeners all of the time.  Which is why Network 40 continues to add new wrinkles…that and the fact that we’re all radio people here (with the possible exception of John Kilgo).  We like to hear different promotions, fresh liners and new jingles.  That’s why we’re constantly tinkering with our sound.

Plus, our industry is constantly changing.  Lewis and Clark would have a bitch charting the course of Mainstream Top 40 and the tributaries it has spawned in the past two decades.  To continue to be successful, we at Network 40 have to keep up with the social shifts and cultural changes to stay anywhere close to the cutting edge of our industry…beside, you all know we’re a shifty bunch to begin with.

After studying the Report Cards your parents signed and returned, we’ve begun to implement the changes you requested.  Two weeks ago, we debuted the Network 40 Market Profile and the Network 40 Music Research.  You wanted more information on different stations in different markets.  You also wanted music research.  So, we got together with Media Base and created the most extensive market profiles in the business.  Network 40 and Media Base did the same with music research and we now provide the industry’s only recurrent music research broken down by format as well as the top testing new songs across the country.

This week, we’re giving you more of what you’ve requested.  On page 22, you’ll find the industry’s most definitive panel of Adult Top 40 stations.

After seeking input from our readers, we came up with a list of stations that appeal to the upper demos of Mainstream Top 40…stations that are aggressive when it comes to programming, promotions and music.  Those stations make up the initial panel for this format.  As the format and stations change, additions and deletions will be made to keep the panel reflective of today’s Adult Top 40 sound.

You’ll find individual playlists of selected Adult Top 40 stations so you can see what your favorite stations are programming.

Accompanying the chart and music information will be weekly promotions and programming information on the reporting stations compiles by Adult Top 40 Editor Tiffany Eason.

What more could a mother ask?

This is only the beginning of the changes you’ll see on the pages of Network 40.  One of the biggest requests from our listeners was to expand the amount of information we accumulate to cover other formats.  In the coming weeks, you’ll see our reaction as Network 40 begins an expansion to keep you abreast of everything that’s happening in radio.

Not to worry, our award winning (hey, we gave ourselves a Chrome Lizard Award last year) coverage of Mainstreams Top 40 and its derivatives will continue unabated.  However, many of you made valid points about needing at least a thumbnail sketch of other formats.  With the major radio companies buying more and more radio stations, many Top 40 programmers are finding themselves across the hall from their “new” sister stations.  Often, the additional stations housed in the same building share sales, promotion and other support personnel.  It’s important to have, at minimum, a working knowledge of the format that might be playing on speakers at the other end of the hall.

To this end, Network 40 will be charting the music that might very well be on the newest addition to your chain by the time you finish reading this sentence.  The radio landscape is evolving faster than a new virus.  I’m amazed that the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta hasn’t put out a bulletin about it.  Maybe next week.

With the coming Presidential elections and the promises of politicians to further ease the lax restrictions that now exist, the only thing we can count on for sure is that there will be more changes in the future.

So, how do you like our changes so far?

There are other features coming that you’ll be reading about in future issues, but we don’t want to blow the entire promotion in the summer book.  Suffice it to say that Network 40 has taken all of your suggestions and we’re working to implement them as quickly and efficiently as possible.  If we’re reflecting your wants and needs, then we’re going to keep getting our picture in the yearbook under those “Most Popular” and “Most Likely To Succeed” categories.

If we haven’t connected on issues you would like covered or changes you would like to see on the pages of Network 40, we’re only a free long-distance call away at (800) 443-4001.  Our request lines are open 24-hours, seven days a week.  However, if you’re calling to request more naked pictures on Page 6, don’t bother.

We’ve gotten that message.

Beside, that’s a 900 number.

Hold your calls, please, we have a winner!

School’s Out

8/2/1996

Welcome to record promotion in the ‘90s.  You heard about the guy who went around the village riding a horse and singing Christmas carols?  The police found a horse running free and gave him a call.  The guy looks outside and sees his horse still in the corral.  He tells the police, “You’ve made a mistake.  That’s a horse of a different caroler.”

Okay, it’s a long way to go to let you know things have changed…but things have changed.

It wasn’t long ago that record companies laid out a lot of cash to get a lot of ads (real and paper) and son-of-a-gun, their records were Breakers in R&R.  The next week they played on that Breaker status to get more adds (real and paper) and their records began moving up the charts.  Another couple of weeks, more money, more adds (real and paper) and they were in the top 20.  The end result:  A label suddenly has the #15 record in the country, nobody’s heard it (oops…more paper than real) and, surprise, a record that shipped Gold returns Platinum.

Few worked harder for less than promotion people in these “good old days.”  It wasn’t easy to get an add…paper or real.  Come on, Bud, it was tough.  A radio station could only list so many paper adds.  Programmers had to play some records.  Their audience expected it.

Promotion people did anything they could to get their record noticed.  They dressed up in chicken suits, hired Little Egypt and the Dancing Pyramids, rented all sorts of farm animals, brought sleeping bags in the lobbies of stations, made complete fools of themselves and in the process, got their names…and the titles of the records…remembered by programmers.

With actual spins and actual sales now a reality few can ignore, they way record companies do business has changed.  And record promotion has changed with it.  Unfortunately, not all the changes are positive.

For the past few years, record companies have trumpeted the fact that most records break out of major markets.  Less time has been devoted to smaller markets because (a) smaller markets are often slower than the majors to make playlist additions and (b) even if a smaller market adds a record, it doesn’t affect the important SoundScan charts, so many believe it doesn’t matter.

Until they have a “work” record.  Then those Field & Stream reporters start getting a lot of calls and promotions.

The importance of smaller markets is something I’ve written about before and will be the subject of another Editorial.  This week’s ranting is about promotion in general.

In the eyes and minds of many company presidents, promotion in the ‘90s must be done differently than promotion during the “Dark Ages” of the ‘80s.  Part of this is due to the changes in the way we do business.  Reality is the key.  Today, we know how many times a radio station is playing a record.  We also know how many records are selling, as opposed to how many are shipping.

Another reason is because many companies have leaned more toward A&R than promotion.  With the rise of Alternative music and programming in the past few years, we’ve all bought into they hype that “…it’s all about the music.”

Of course, it’s all about the music.  It’s always been about the music.  But you can have the greatest record ever produced and if it isn’t heard by the right programmers, it doesn’t matter.  Here’s another news flash for you:  there’s a lot of great music out there.  You have to distinguish your great record from the other company’s great record.  How do you do that?

Promotion.

As hard as it is for some A&R people to believe, promotion is still the engine that pulls the train.  A lot of great records have died in the studios…or on the desks of programmers who never heard them.

More now than ever before, programmers need to be promoted.  With the advent of more record companies come more releases.  It’s all well and good for the head of A&R to say, “The record speaks for itself,” but in today’s market place, a record can’t just speak…it has to scream.

We hear so much today about “Old School” and “New School.”  Many promotion people today are afraid of embarrassing themselves by being abrasive or too outrageous.  Many feel that it isn’t “in” to be too pushy about their records.  The only thing that makes you “in” is whether or not your record is “on!”

It’s sometimes tougher for promotion people to be outrageous in today’s corporate atmosphere.  Many of those who got where they are today by being outrageous at chosen times are too quick to make “cookie-cutters” out of those who now work for them.  We need to remember that, especially in radio, it’s still fun.  I’m not suggesting that promotion people show up in WPLJ’s lobby next week naked with dancing girls, but waddling around in a chicken outfit or something else outrageous from time to time never hurt anybody…or any record.  You may not get your record added, but if you draw attention to yourself and your product, you’ll certainly get it heard.  Then, and only then, if the A&R genius is correct, the record will speak for itself.

When I was programming KWOD in Sacramento, Michael Silva put on spandex glitter pants and wore a long blonde wig into the station to promote a record by the Nelsons.  We had just turned KWOD Alternative at the time and even for me, adding the Nelsons was a stretch.  I refused to see him. He refused to leave.  I finally went into the lobby and threw him out.  He was embarrassed.  I was embarrassed.  Yet from that time on, every time he entered the station, I saw him and listened to his music.  I figured anyone who was crazy enough to make a fool of himself to get my attention, deserved it.

It’s a lesson a lot of promotion people need to learn.  PDs and MDs have a lot more on their agendas than taking the time to listen carefully to each record they receive. It is up to you, as a promotion person, to do anything and everything to make yourself stick out from the herd.

Whether you’re “New School” or “Old School” isn’t what’s important.  It’s what you learned while attending.

In record promotion (as in golf), it’s not how, but how many that puts you on the leader board!

Poe’s Last Hurrah

4/28/1996

It was the night before the last Poe and all through the lobby, all the creatures were stirring and waiting for Bobby.

The suits and tuxedos were all hung with care, for the final finale and who would be there.

The golf match began under dark clouds and rain, but more water would be needed to put out the flames.

In a move quite befitting of Poe’s funeral pyre, some local street urchins set the 12th green on fire. 

That’s what the police thought, who said there and then, but one of the pyros looked a lot like Michael Plen.

When the sun finally set and the heat had abated, we met at the bar to see who was out-dated.

The Poe group has never been known for their clothing, but some of these outfits brought out fear and loathing.

Oh, drinks were consumed and fire alarms rung, but most were just pacing for what was to come.

The second day’s panels were as boring as ever, the hottest topic was forecasting the weather.

A bunch boarded buses where the talk was quite muted, it reminded us all of last year’s Camp Hootie.

The White House was warned of terrorist infiltration, but most were jailed just for a night of detention.

We were escorted through by a man with a gun, but bullets and bombs couldn’t keep us from fun.

Andrea played press sec. from the President’s pew, but instead of questions, it was fruit that we threw.

We saw Nixon’s picture and Truman’s victrola, but the highlight was Clinton’s autographed copy of “PAYOLA!”

We witnessed the wall, of Abe and the steeple, but the hours were dwindling and so were the people.

Dale took off his clothes and jumped in the pond, the crowd shouted in unison, “Put ‘em on, put ‘em on.”

Let’s not forget Lisa, who fell on her head, in the hedges she mistakenly took for her bed.

The boa came calling again right on cue, but this time was witnessed by only a few.

Which two were the drunkest?  Well, that story goes to MTV’s favorite and the girl with nice toes.

Some lightweights left early, they couldn’t take the abuse, but Burt was the one with the lamest excuse.

Gary Bird’s was the best…a noble invention.  He took a group to Cleveland to plan next year’s convention.

It wouldn’t be long until the final toast, but many were wondering if we would get through the roast.

Mason Dixon was the first one who started to dish and we all were surprised that he did it sans fish.

Dan Vallie’s soft voice barely cut through the dinner, but his speech, like his stations, was definitely a winner.

Daniel Glass hadn’t missed one since who-knows-who-had, he spoke only good things and left out the bad.

Ms. Ganis was classy, thoughtful and nice; it was the first time she had made it through Saturday night.

Richard Palmese stunned the crowd without using money, he was the first of the roasters who actually was funny!

Jay Stevens is awesome at WPGC, but it isn’t the slides the makes a PD.

His speech was the shortest, as all will attest, and many (because of this) thought Jonas was best.

The question was “Does Jimmy shit in the woods?”  We all knew the old bear would if he would.

Davenport stole the show with all his tales, of wild sex and whiskey and checks in the mail.

He was crowned king by a loud voice vote, because Jimmy was the only one who mentioned the goat.

Fiedel, the preacher, gave all our just dues, we were surprised that he did it with shoes.

Novia was shaky, but he could have been robbed…he spent all his practice time pitching for jobs.

I’d mention the other who used slides with precision, but I’m not allowed to without his permission.

McCartney was accused of spinning a fable, especially when he mumbled nice things about Cagle.

We all learned a new word when you fall on your fanny, when everything goes wrong it’s called a Galliani.

Dave Sholin played guinea pig alone on the log, he quoted from B.G. and died like a dog.

I was the last one to bang on the gong, I swear I’ve had jobs that never lasted so long.

I now have the last word to leave on the list.  We all love you, Poe Kat…you will missed.

Ramblings

4/5/1996

For those of you who bit hook, line and sinker on our April Fool’s cover and article about the Network 40 convention in 1997, don’t feel like you’re all alone.  Most of the radio and record community fell for it with you…no matter what they say now.

Suffice it to say that the Network 40 convention outlined in last week’s publication was an April Fool’s joke…in so far as the specific events and dates are concerned.  However, since we got your attention, it’s time to tell you that Network 40 will be scheduling a convention in 1997.  The truth is, we have been working on a convention for the past two years and 1997 will see the culmination of those efforts.

It is too early to excite you with the specifics, but Network 40 will be hosting a convention in 1997.  Not joke.  I promise.  Really. I swear.

One of the most exciting elements of Network 40’s 1997 convention is the pre-convention get together this year.  The Network 40 Summer Games (scheduled for later in the summer) will be announced in the next couple of weeks.  It will be a small, select gathering held in a special place with a great atmosphere.

Keep reading Network 40 to find out the exact dates.  You won’t want to miss it.

On another note, for all of you who read last week’s Editorial on golf and called to complain that I had written about you…relax.  I wouldn’t continue playing with you if you were as bad as those I wrote about.  It was kind of funny.  I wrote the article before I played with Scott Shannon last week.  While we were playing, I even told him that he would like the Editorial.  But he was quick to complain afterwards that I had written the article about him.

And he wasn’t the only one.  My phone was ringing off the hook.  Todd Cavanaugh told me he had taken a bunch of lessons and was really a lot better than the last time we played.  Craig Lambert called from a plane to say how glad he was that I had written about “other” people.  He was sure he wasn’t guilty of any of the things I had described.  (Read it again, bud.)

Burt Baumgartner has ridden in enough carts with me to know what I was talking about.  I got calls from Greg Thompson, Bill Richards, Joe Riccitelli, Bruce St. James, David Leach, Kevin Weatherly and Justin Fontaine. 

Rich Fitzgerald said he hadn’t read the article.  He was too busy telling everyone about his last round of golf and the different shots he hit.

Les Garland and Bill Pfordresher knew exactly what I was talking about.

The most interesting call was from Andrea Ganis and Danny Buch.  Neither plays golf.  After reading my article, both have vowed if they ever did take up the game, they certainly would not to play with me because I am such a snob.  They missed the point, but I guess the article worked.  I’ve kept at least two people from gobbling up future tee times!

I must admit, however, that the Editorial would have been much more biting (and certainly a lot funnier) if Network 40 publisher Gary Bird hadn’t gotten involved.  In my years here at Network 40, through all the brutal, condemning and sometimes borderline bad-taste Editorials I have written, Gary Bird has never changed one word.  Until last week.  Using a red pen so much that the page looked bloody, Gary managed to excise many of the “funnier” stories that could be attributed directly to him.  I only got that, “Gimmie a six,” comment in just before we went to press.

I will point out one positive among the many that come to mind when members of our industry get together for a round of golf.  There are no industry egos on the golf course.  If you’re two down on a press going into the 18th hole, we don’t give a damn how many records you added last week, you better hit that four iron into the wind, across the water, over the sand trap and stiff to the pin.

And in answer to the criticism I’m sure to hear next week, I know the majority of you don’t care about golf.  I’ll put it in the “rest” category for a while.

On still another note, is it just me or are things a little ugly in the real world right now?  Tension seems to be higher, tempers are quicker to flash and egos are reaching the boiling point at the drop of a hat.  It’s got to be the weather.  It has been a nasty winter for the majority of the country.  Hell, even in Los Angeles we’ve had the thermometer dip into the 60s a time or two and and it’s rained four times since January 1st.  I’ve got to tell you, we’ve really had it rough!

And just when you think it’s time for the weather to break and spring to be here, another cold front blows in, bringing a bite to the air and even snow in some parts.  What’s going on?

As leaders (and I use that term loosely) of our industry, it’s important for us to keep these outside forces in mind when dealing with those in the workplace.  The end of winter brings out the worst in all of us.  We’re all on point, waiting for the sun to begin shining every day and wondering what’s taking it so long.  We’re tired of our winter clothes…especially the overcoats.  We’ve been inside too long and most of us don’t take vacations during the winter months…we wait for summer.  This can cause all of us to get more than a little bit stir crazy.

Give your co-workers a break.  Maybe it’s time for a company picnic or some kind of outing.  We’ve been yelling at each other in these confined spaces for the past few months and a little lightening up might do us all good.

Our industry is quick to criticize when things go wrong and rather reluctant to praise when things go right.  Now might be the perfect time to take a deep breath, push back for a second and positively acknowledge those around you for a winter’s work well done.

That goes double for those on the other side of the fence.  Whether it is golf, tennis, pool or whatever, it’s important that we all spend more time together outside the office environment.  The stress of our jobs makes it difficult for us to see the forest for the tress…and those trees are really important.  Getting to know your peers in a neutral environment can give you insights that will help you do your job better…and, who knows, you might find a real person out there.

Then again, we don’t care what kind of a person you are as long as you can hit that four iron into the wind, across the…

Merry Christmas

12/15/1995

We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

It’s that time of year again.  The time of year to feel melancholy, think back over the past year, remember only the good times and pretend we really like the people we have to do business with on a weekly basis.  Hey, it could be worse.  We could be doing construction work in Chicago.

With all of our warts and boils, with all of the emotional baggage we are asked to carry or ignore, with all the good and bad our business brings, remember this one important fact:  It beats working!

With that in mind, may I pretend to wish all of you my best for the holiday season…and particular gifts from Santa for the following:

For Andrea, a promise that she won’t be deserted at the convention, and barring that, anything in salmon. Danny Buch needs a life…and if you can’t give him that, let him trade his low-power chain for some real radio stations.  Infinity would be perfect.

My good friend Burt Baumgartner got everything he wished for in the move to California this year.  Maybe you could get him a surfboard…no, forget it…I’ll give him that. Justin Fontaine? What does he need with a boss like Burt?

Jerry Blair needs about two more litters of puppies to make his life complete…not to mention all of us who have to take the new ones off his hands.  Pretty soon, the albino German shepherd will be the mascot of our industry.  I could ask you to give Charlie Walk a little more height…but that would be taking a shot and Charlie’s too good a friend of mine to do that.  Lee Leipsner needs something else…I really don’t know what, but definitely something else.

Mark Gorlick needs a few national assistants.  He’s working himself into a lather and needs just a little help.  Maybe send him a couple of elves.  Also, can you get The Palm to put his picture up on the wall?  It’s past time.

Stu Cohen needs a new superstar project to work.  Preferably Larry Bird.  And what about Barney Kilpatrick?  A little more ink.  Hey, Santa, I can even take care of that since Barney is one of those who does more work and gets less recognition than others.  So what else can we get him?  Maybe his own restaurant in the French Quarter.  As long as I can get a table.  And how about a bigger screen for Greg Lee’s computer? He logs more time on AOL than anybody else in the business.

Could you please get Rich Fitzgerald a membership to a country club so he will get over it?  And a replacement for that $1,000 driver.  Maybe take that Deputy Sheriff’s job away from Marc Ratner.  He the most dangerous person in our business, Santa.  He’s ready to snap and licensed to carry a gun.  We could all be in trouble.

Rich Bloom needs a golf club that doesn’t come loose in his hands after he hits it dead right.  Steve Leeds needs an ark for all of the people he’s bringing in at high tide.

Don’t bring Michael Plen anything, Santa.  He’s been a bad boy this year.  Of course, maybe that’s being a little harsh.  He’s pretty much been the way he’s always been.  Your call.

What about Greg Thompson?  Now that he’s doing it his way at EEG, maybe he doesn’t needs a thing.  He got Bill Pfordresher just before the holidays.  Now it’s just a matter of who will win the toss and get to play golf.  The rest of that group is strange, particularly Coddington.  Santa, please let him know that he’s not heavy.  And Mike Whited?  Tell him he must cancel his weak attempt to establish a “Player’s Lounge.”  He doesn’t know any.

Phil Costello needs a new Beatles record.  Oh, yeah, he already got that.  How about some corners in his office?  Jeffrey Blalock needs a lot more frequent-flyer miles and Chris Lopes has got to let his hair grow.  It was his strength.

Don’t let me forget Rick Bisceglia, Santa.  I’m sure you can find him.  And Bruce Schoen? Bring him a number one pen.  He’s been writing with a number two long enough.

And Santa, I don’t wish to bring bad tidings on anyone, but if Lori Anderson ever has trouble at home, please let me be the first to know.  Of course, I’m not sure if having me by her side is a present for her, but I could convince her.  Bring Randy Spendlove some warmer clothes.

Barb Seltzer needs to be on another jury…this time with programmers on trial.  Dale Connone needs a smaller office…to make him look bigger.  What about Hilary Shaev?  An answering machine that gives out really sincere messages

John Fagot wants a new truck and a fishing pole.  Give both, Santa.  He deserves it.  And Tim Burruss needs a bigger budget.  Please, Santa, let him have it!

Joe Riccitelli wants a smoother golf swing and more time to use it.  Vicki Leben needs neither.

Marc Benesch needs to draw some better cards.  Let him hit an inside straight, Santa, but not against me.  And Brenda Romano?  A nice toy to ride beside her in that new car she’s driving.

All Mark Kargol needs is a couple of hit records.  And Lida Galka just needs room to work.

Nancy Levin needs to have more dinners with her secret love.  David Leach needs to hit it straighter.  Not further.  And Steve Ellis needs a sandwich from the Rock & Roll deli.

Butch Waugh and Skip Bishop both need the United States to recognize Confederate money so they’ll be millionaires.  Ray Gmeiner needs to turn Zoo into Jurassic Park with a couple of megatron hits.  Dana Keil should have a rose on her desk everyday.

Mike Becce, Terry Anzaldo, Joe Hecht and Ray Carlton are all in the same boat:  They need more releases.  Double them up.  Ditto Danny Ostrow.  The same could be said for Jack Satter, but I won’t say it.  Give Ric Lippincott a hog.

Peter Napoliello needs that movie part.  If I get my SAG card first, he’s going to snap.  Let’s give Michael Steele a name change so he’ll no longer be confused with someone in radio.

What about Steve Leavitt?  Give him a charge account at The Ivy, though he may already have one.  Give Craig Coburn a promotion.  He deserves one.

And last but not least, give Val DeLong whatever she wants.  She deserves it.

Now bring me some figgy pudding.

Come Together

12/1/1995 

Come together, right now, over me.

The Beatles documentary on ABC garnered a huge audience.  Interviews by and about The Beatles were on every national television newscast, the local news and just about every talk show in syndication.  Time, Newsweek, Rolling Stone, People and every newspaper in America covered the story of The Beatles releasing a new CD with feature articles.  Water cooler conversation centered around The Beatles just like it did decades before when the group released a new record.  The CD set a single-day sales record.  This from a double-CD.

And some Mainstream Top 40 stations didn’t add the new record, “Free As A Bird.”

Am I missing something here?

Countless Editorials, convention panel debates, professional and casual conversations about programming center on the lack of excitement in radio today.  Programmers are quick to stand up and pontificate about the importance of locking in with the lifestyle of the audience.  Programmers cite promotions and public affairs topics that are familiar to their audience as the important factor in focusing on their core.

Here is an absolute lock…something totally contemporary that the entire world is talking about…something positive…not wars or murders or terrorists or gangs…but a positive musical experience that some programmers chose to ignore. 

I’m sorry, I just don’t get it.

Now, I know that those of you who added the record are nodding your heads in agreement.  And I also know that those who didn’t add the record are saying I don’t know what I’m talking about.  You’re saying that I don’t program a radio station, that I don’t understand, that if I was behind the programming desk, my opinions might be different.

Let me expound.

There is absolutely, positively no reason in the world for any Mainstream Top 40 station in the world not to play The Beatles’ “Free As A Bird.” Period.

There is not one person in America who wasn’t insulated from the hype that preceded the documentary and the subsequent release of the single.  There is not one person who wasn’t interested in hearing what the song sounded like.

Forget, for a moment, whether or not the single is a bonafide hit.  Don’t weigh your decision to add the record on whether or not the musical integrity of the track fits perfectly within your flow or format.  The simple fact is that everyone is interested in hearing the song.  Not one person would tune out when the song was played.  Everyone wants to hear what it sounds like…to decide for themselves whether or not the sound lives up to the hype.

There is no down side.

Play the record for a while.  Daypart it in mornings and middays if you must.  Then, after you play the record a few times, let your audience decide whether or not they want to hear it again.

The hype has already been created.  All you have to do is join in.  Mainstream Top 40 stations across the country are falling all over themselves trying to lock into the 25-54 year-old-demos.  Is there a 25-54 year-old person out there who isn’t interested in hearing the new Beatles song?

Give me a break.

Granted, if you are programming to a specific ethnic group, you’ve got a reason.  I’m not sure that a Hispanic Dance station should jump right on that Beatles release.  Or an Urban station station.  But if you’re a Mainstream Top 40 station, what is the reasoning behind not playing. “Free As A Bird?”  Please help me out.  I just don’t understand.

Is it because, as a programmer, you’re so positive that you can pick all of the hits all of the time that you make these decisions for your audience?  So you’re telling me that every song you’ve ever added to your playlist in your career has been a bonafide smash? And, of course, you never missed one either, did you?

Objective decisions about subjective subjects like music are very dangerous.  They’re more than dangerous; they make for boring radio.

It seems that all too often, programmers find reasons not to do something, rather than search for reasons to make positive, innovative decisions.  All of us are responsible for putting music in the box it is in today.  We seem to want more of the same, rather than to seek out a different sound that might be the trend of the future.

If The Beatles’ earlier music had been held to such stringent rules, we would never have enjoyed hearing the innovative, different, revolutionary songs and albums that The Beatles made.  Rubber Soul would never have seen the light of day.  (What? Play cuts off an album with no single release? The sound doesn’t fit what being played on radio across the country.  I think I’ll pass.)  Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band? No shot.  (A concept album?  What is a concept album?  I don’t know.  I think I’ll pass.) Magical Mystery Tour? No way.  (Another concept?  I don’t understand.  They’ve got the London Philharmonic Orchestra in there.  I can’t play that.)  And the White Album? Puleeze.  (There are different arrangements.  It’s another album without a single.  Hell, there isn’t even a name on this album.  I can’t play this thing!  How will I know which cuts to program?  It’s much too Underground.)

I am a radio programmer.  I understand, more than anyone else in our industry, the pressures that go with the job.  But I also know that we, as programmers, have to push the envelope, now more than ever before, or the envelope will soon be sealed and we won’t have any other way to go.

Research and consultants have bred a type of radio that is too safe…too cookie-cutter…too boring.  As programmers we must find moments that we can turn into magic.  There aren’t a lot of them.  When we do find something positive…something contemporary…doesn’t it make sense for us to ride it until the tank runs dry?

Beatles giveaways, Beatles promotions, Beatles trivia…aren’t these elements that our entire audience would enjoy…especially with all of the hype that was generated by the TV documentary and other media?  Isn’t this a natural?

And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

Shut Up And Deal

8/25/1995

The hustlers and hookers they filled the room…down at the place they call the Spanish Moon…

Big John waved a hand in front of his face.  “I can’t breathe from all of the smoke in here.”

I got up to open the doors leading into the backyard.  The room had started getting cloudy after the first hour of the weekly poker game.

“Fight fire with fire,” Barney growled, tossing a cigar in his direction.

Big John turned up his nose.  “I don’t like smoke.”

“Neither do I,” Barney snarled as he inhaled another Marlboro.  “Shut up and deal.”

Smiley grinned and stared at the lights.

There was whiskey…and bad cocaine…the poison will get you just the same…

“What in the hell is that music?” Big John blared.

“Man, you bitch too much,” Burt grumbled.  He nudged Barney.  “I told you we shouldn’t have invited him.”

“Nobody invited me,” Big John said.  “I just showed up on my own.”

“How’d you know how to get here?”

Big John matched Smiley’s grin.  “I just drove around until I saw all the buzzards circling around this house.  I knew I’d find a bunch of dead losers in here.”

“Man, that’s cold,” Little Stevie One said.

“Shut up, boy,” Big John coughed as he lit the cigar.  “Nobody invited you, either.  You wouldn’t be at this game ’cept you’re visiting from New York.  We’ll take East Coast money anytime.”

“Don’t break hard on my buddy,” Little Stevie Two jumped in.  “I invited him.”

“You shut up, too,” Big John spat.  He cast a derisive glance at the two Stevies.  “I don’t know why we let radio people in this game anyhow.”

“So we can take your money legally,” Little Stevie One said as he threw five white chips into the middle of the table. “Ante up.”

“All you guys can it!” I put in my money.  “That’s getting awfully close to business talk.  One more slip and it’ll cost you fifty dollars.”

“The hell you say.” Big John made the pot right.  “Besides, you’ve got this music playing.  I’m sure that’s a subliminal message your subtle, skinny ass is trying to get across.”

“It’s Little Feat, you idiot,” Burt laughed.  “It’s so old, you worked it at Columbia.”

Big John slapped his hand down.  “That is business talk, boy, put fifty in the middle.”

Burt flipped him off.

“Play cards,” Johnny C said from the corner.

“Play cards?” Barney lit another cigarette.

“You’ve been in the deep freeze ever since you won the first two pots.  Why don’t you try staying in a hand for a change?  You’ll never make it to the car with all that money anyhow.”

I checked my hole cards and made a Plen bet.

“What’s the game?” Big John asked.

“Seven card Macintosh, high-low, two spit cards and you can buy a card for twenty.”

Big John made a face.  “How do you play?”

“Just call the two dollars and we’ll teach you as you go along,” I told him.

“I’ll be damned if I’ll do that,” Big John cried.  “All you guys want is my money.”

“You sound surprised.”

Big John shook his head.  “Nope, just hurt.”

“You keep playing all those hands and you’re really going to get hurt,” Kevin snickered.

Big John gave him a look.  “When I want your opinion, hot shot, I’ll beat it out of you.”

“Come on,” Barney snapped, “bet or fold.”

Big John’s eyebrows twitched and he shot a quick glance in Kevin’s direction.  He threw two chips in the pot and said, “I’ll bet a Seaweed.”

“Foul, damn it!” Johnny C yelled.  “He’s talking business.”

“Fifty bucks, Big John,” I said.  “You know the rules.”

Big John shrugged his shoulders and put in fifty.  “It was worth it.”

“Call the Seaweed,” Smiley said, “And raise you a Lenny Kravitz.”

Before Johnny C could object, Plen tossed in another fifty.

“This is getting bad,” Little Stevie Two said.

Barney studied his cards, pursed his lips and reached for another cigarette.

“You gonna bet or look at those cards all night?” Burt asked.

Barney reached for his chips.  “Call the Seaweed and Lenny Kravitz,” he paused dramatically, “and raise a Prince and a Tom Petty.”

Kevin threw his cards down.  “This is really getting out of control.”

“Hey, I’m paying the tab,” Barney said as he threw in one hundred dollars.

Burt folded.

“What’s up with you?” Big John asked.

“They’re already playing all of my records.”

Cards turned and the chips piled up in the middle.  The table got tense.  Smiley wasn’t smiling.  Johnny C was in the freezer.  Big John held his cards closer than a newborn child.

“Showtime,” Smiley said.   “Let’em flop.”

Little Stevie One already had the lock low.  It was a matter of who would split the pot with him…Big John or Little Stevie Two.

“Read’em and weep,” Big John cried.  “Full house…Aces over Queens.”  He reached for his share of the money.

“Not so fast,” Little Stevie Two said.

The table quieted down once more.  All eyes were on the second Stevie. He played the moment like a maestro.

“Turn’em over,” Barney ordered.

Little Stevie Two did.  “A blaze,” he said proudly.

Big John stared at the cards.  “A blaze?” he yelled.  “What the hell is a blaze?”

“Three diamonds, two hearts,” Little Stevie Two answered.

Big John’s face turned beet red.  He leaned back in his chair and bit his lip.  While the two Stevies split the pot, Big John opened his mouth a time or two to say something, but never did.

Finally, he leaned over and whispered in my ear.  “Does a blaze beat a full house?”

I nodded.  “It does in this game…as long as a radio guy is holding it.”

He shook his head.  “That don’t hardly seem right.”

I shrugged.  “So, what are you going to do?”

He was quite for a moment, then began shuffling the cards.  “Shut up and deal.”

Press!

6/23/1995

I was in trouble early.  And I knew it.  I had journeyed to Nashville to play golf with my good friends Wynn Jackson and James Stroud.  I use the word “friends” advisedly.  When you’re deep in the heart of Dixie and playing golf for cash money, your friends are more apt to chop you up than your enemies.  Down here, everyone carries a razor.

Our other two playing companions were Dirt and Herky. Now the first rule of golf is:  “Never play for money against strangers with nicknames.”  I never gave it a thought.  I was in Nashville to have a good time.  Besides, I was with friends.

I drove the first ball of the morning right down the center of the fairway.  I was posing like TV Tommy when I heard Dirt say, “Damn, boy, that’s stouter than a bay mule.”

I reach for my wallet, but it was too late. If I hadn’t known it already…I’d been had.

I told Stroud I wanted to play for an ad in the Country Network and he said that was fine and, of course, we would press on the fly.

Press on the fly?  I had never heard this one, but I didn’t want to sound too ignorant so I agreed.  I figured I would find out what it meant soon enough.  I figured right.

I was feeling pretty good about the drive, but the second shot left a lot to be desired.  Short and left.  I had a bad case of the pull hooks and I know I’d have to hunker down or I would be on the way to the cash machine in a hurry.  As the ball spun toward a lake that my partner had “forgotten” to tell me about, Stroud said, “Press.”

“You can’t press on the first hole,” I protested as my ball headed for splash-down.

Stroud smiled, “Press on the fly.  Anytime your opponent’s ball is in the air, you can press.  It doubles the bet.”

I bogeyed the first two holes and the Nashville contingency was grinnin’ like mules eatin’ briars.  Herky got on his cellular phone and a couple of holes later, two more people had driven out to join us.  Evidently the news was traveling fast.  There was a “suspect” in from Hollywood with a pocketful of cash and a shaky game.

I was introduced to Booger and Juice.  Since Booger had the first finger of his left hand buried in his nose halfway to his cerebellum, I knew how he got his nickname.  Juice I wasn’t sure about.

“Gerry’s in all the usual games,” Stroud said.  “He especially likes to press on the fly.”

Booger and Juice couldn’t have been happier.

Around hole number seven, the sun finally broke through the humidity and it started to really heat up.  Dirt allowed how he was “sweatin’ like a hillbilly at a spellin’ bee.”

I pulled another one dead left off the tee.

“Press,” everybody said.

I was struggling and they were loving it.  And the truth was, so was I.  It was a beautiful day.  I was playing golf. I was in the South.  Hell, I was home.

Juice had stuck a wad of chewing tobacco the size of a softball into his left cheek a while back and I now knew where he got his nickname. Along with the chewing habit, Juice also had a rather large stomach.  When he spit his ruminations, most of it got on the front of his shirt.

Wonderful.

Juice explained his colorful golf shirts.  If you get a stain on your shirt, there is a guy who paints the shirt, incorporating the stain into the design.

The painter must do a helluva business in Nashville.

By the time we made it to the 10th tee, I was down $1,200.  I figured I had these boys just where I wanted them.  A double-shot of Jack Daniels at the turn had solved the hook.  The boys fell all over themselves when I doubled the bet.

Fools.  They forgot I was born in Mississippi.

About four holes into the back side, they were quiet.  Herky was mumbling to Dirt, Juice and Booger were arguing about what club to hit and Stroud had cancelled his business with Wynn for inviting me.

I kept yelling, “Press!”

By the time we got to 18, it was dead even.  I teed it up and quacked it dead left in the tall weeds by the edge of a small creek.  Nobody even whispered the “P” word.  I’d been playing so well, they didn’t want to take a chance.

I waded into the weeds, searching for my ball.

“Watch out for them cottonmouths,” Booger grinned.  “They’ll sting you if they get a chance.”

I was ankle-deep in branch water, searching for the lost Titlist, when I saw the snake cutting through the water like a speedboat, mouth gaping, heading right for my ball.

Without thinking, I swung the 4-iron.  There was a mighty splash and the snake flew out of the creek, straight toward Stroud.  It was the only shot I didn’t hook all day.

“Press!” Booger hollered

Stroud stood rooted in his tracks, eyes as wide as the moccasin’s mouth.  The snake wrapped around his neck, then slid down inside the back of his shirt.

He did a quick two-step, spun into a stomp then fell into a sand trap and broke into a full Watusi.  He was on his back, legs and arms flailing, screaming for all he was worth.

“Help me, somebody help me,” he wailed.  “The snake bit me!  I’m gonna die…I’m gonna die!”

Dirt, who had witnessed the entire episode, ran over.  “Stop acting like a baby, Jimmy James,” he snapped.  “You ain’t gonna die.  I’ll just suck out the poison.  Where’d you get bit?”

“On my ass,” James cried.

Dirt shook his head.  “Boy, you’re gonna die.”  He walked slowly back to the cart.

Stroud didn’t die.  The snake was dead before it left my club.  When it slid down James’ back, he freaked out and jumped around so much, the money-clip in his back pocket slipped off the big wad of cash he was carrying around and pinched him on the butt.

When it was all said and done, no money changed hands.  There was a big argument about whether or not I should be assessed a stroke because I played the snake out of a hazard.  It was decided that I wouldn’t be penalized since Stroud wasn’t disqualified for hitting my ball.  That was when he beat the lifeless snake after it slid out of his pants.

The moral of this story?  If you ever go to Nashville to play golf with anyone in the “music bidness,” take a fishing pole.

There are a lot of barracudas down there.