Misunderstandings

10/18/1994

There must be some misunderstanding. There must be some kind of mistake. I waited for the add on Tuesday…you were late.

In an industry where tensions between record companies and radio stations increase every week, there are definitely misunderstandings. Unfortunately, the chasms of misunderstanding, in to many cases, are turning into canyons. The symbiotic relationship that exists between the record and radio industries causes more strife and turmoil than any other.

Record companies depend on radio to expose their product and stimulate sales. Radio depends on record companies to provide the product that causes people to listen. Yet these two industries, which depend so much on each other, couldn’t be further apart in the objectives. The ties that bind are stretching to the breaking point and there seems to be little, if anything, that can be done about it. For both industries, the old maxim, “Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em,” is the most accurate description.

Misunderstandings exist on both sides of the coin. In most cases, rather than trying to understand the other, each side tries to “use” the other for its own benefit. Both industries spend much time and money on charities and causes that promote understanding, caring and togetherness. We should devote just as much time to those same propositions as they relate to our day-to-day operations and relationships.

This misunderstanding starts from the very beginning. The vast majority of those working at record companies originally seek their employment because they have a deep passion for music. It’s extremely difficult, if not downright impossible, to find a record company staffer who is not passionate about music. This passion is reinforced by their daily environment. Although record company employees spend a lot of time in meetings concerned with budgets, cost-effectiveness and waste control, their world spins around music.

Record promoters are excited even before a band is signed by the energy generated around the activity. A&R heads share their excitement about new bands they’re chasing. When a band is signed, the entire company is elated. Often, before a new group enters the studio, staffers hear the band live at showcases. They are involved in the entire projects.

As the band prepares a forthcoming release, promotion people hear bits and pieces and the excitement builds. Much time and effort is spent within the halls of each record company to generate more excitement as the project builds. A record’s success means success all the way down the line in a record company. Breaking a new artist is like winning the Super Bowl.

A successful act makes a record company. The record company makes more money. A lot of people make more money. Promotions are awarded. Everything is right with the world.

It’s just a bit different in radio.

Radio programmers usually begin at the same point as their record company counterparts. Most get into the business because they are passionate about music. However, that passion is dimmed quickly by radio reality.

Unlike those in the record business, programmers’ bosses aren’t driven by a passion for music. In over 20 years as a programmer, I never once had a general manager tell me how much he liked a record we were playing. Few of them are aware of the music. Most don’t care.

About the only time a general manager comments on music is after a meeting with a big client who complains about something his daughter was listening to when he took her to school.

Radio isn’t concerned with building an act. Radio isn’t concerned about a new artist. Radio isn’t moved by the excitement within a label.

Programmers are concerned with keeping their jobs. PDs are concerned with the next rend. They are concerned with positioning. So when passion meets positioning, what to you get? Pissed off. A bigger question is, how do we get past this hurdle? The answer isn’t easy. Hard work, more understanding and lot of tender, loving care.

Record companies must be more understanding of the plight of individual programmers. Record promoters must move past the high-pressure hype and auctioneer attitudes and work with PDs toward a common goal. Programmers must rediscover the passion that moved them to get into the business in the first place. Not, of course, at the expense of the ratings, but for the greater success that lies beyond. As more entertainment entities compete for the audience, unique programming abilities may be the only thing that separates one from the pack. Those abilities should include your proclivity for selecting music your audience wants to hear.

Record companies should involve programmers earlier in the life of an artist. Too often, the only thing a programmer knows is that the record is out and has to be added this week. And when a programmer does step out and play a record early  and the act winds upu being a huge hit, what does the PD get? Congratulations from his general manager? A raise? If he’s lucky, maybe a Gold record.

Record companies need to involve programmers at the beginning of projects…and at the end. How many artists visit programmers to say thanks? Few. How many record companies spend as much time and money saying thank you for a successful project as they do for the add?

PDs must be concerned with breaking new acts and new ground. The future of all formats lies in fresh artists and sounds. Playing it too safe may earn short-term gains, but it will spell the death of the format in the long run.

Those in Country Music have done this since the beginning. They involve programmers from the start and, in most cases, also involve the artists so a connection can be made. It makes the process more than a hyperkinetic Tuesday frenzy. The programmers become passionate about the music and careers of the artists involved.

If we all spend a little more time acknowledging that we’re in this thing together…and more effort in involving each other with our own problems and passions, perhaps both industries could begin working together toward a common goal.

Success for both.

Raining In My Heart

10/14/1994

“It’s raining so hard…I wish it would rain all night. (Do-dah.) This is the time, I’d love to be holding you tight. (Do-do-de-de.)I guess I’ll have to accept…the fact that you are not here. (Do-do-diddley-do.) I wish this rain would hurry up and clear…my dear.”

Oh, baby, baby.

I wax poetic…with a reason, I guess…and you hope. I woke up this morning and it was raining. For those of you reading this Editorial, you’re probably saying, “What’s the big deal?” And it probably isn’t a big deal where you live. But here in the land of the instant sunshine, rain is a surprise to most, a blessing to some and a downright shock to others.

When it rains in Los Angeles, drivers go completely insane. Nobody here has a clue how to drive when the pavement is wet. Get real. It never rains in Southern California. (I wonder if I’ll hear that today?) The only thing that drips on our streets is blood. And we know how to drive through that…hit the gas, duck down in the seat and swerve from side-to-side to make a hard target.

No so water. Especially water mixed with the oil that has accumulated on the asphalt all summer. We average about one wreck per mile. It makes for a slow commute.

Which brings me to the convoluted point I was trying to make when I began. I think.

Relatability. As it relates to radio. More specifically, how it relates to how your audience relates to your station.

Did I lose you? Or can you relate?

I make this point because I’m one of the few people in Los Angeles who can drive in the rain while listening to the radio (at the same time chewing gum and maybe even making a mobile phone call). And while I was doing all those things on the way to work this morning (while singing the lyrics that began this muse), I noticed that not one deejay was relating to what I was having to relate to. Given the fact that Howard Stern is on satellite out of New York, I could understand why he wasn’t talking about the weather. But the rest of my favorite stations had no excuse.

In today’s programming world of computer-generated music lists, quarter-hour liner cards and force-fed slogans, most deejays have lost contact with their audience. Feel free to check me if I’m wrong, but if you lose contact with your audience, you’re in a world of trouble. Don’t misunderstand, I don’t expect the guy I’ve got tuned it to know I spilled coffee in my lap, but it is raining outside, fella, something that hasn’t happened in almost a year. The raid does affect my drive and the rest of my day. Am I asking too much that you at least acknowledge the fact? I know you’ve got to pimp that slogan and give away those concert tickets and read those stupid jokes you heard on last night’s Letterman show, but damn it, “Can’t You Feel The Rain?” I can.

In our haste to cut costs please the internal audience (managers and sales people for the most part) of the radio station, it is easy to lose focus on what we as programmers are paid to do: Increase the audience share. You often we paint broad strokes and forget about the fine brushes that make our radio station a favorite with the listeners.

In today’s radio world, it’s almost impossible to set yourself apart from your competition simply with the music mix. Unless you’re extremely lucky, or in a tiny market, you are competing directly with other stations in your format and indirectly with many that sample the same music mix.

One of the elements that can’t be duplicated by other stations in your market is your air talent. A good personality can rise above the mathematics of the format and edge your ratings higher. Of course, the converse is true…bad personalities can also tube it. So it is imperative that you take the time to make your deejays be more than automatons. They must relate. And to relate, they must cover the basics.

The simple things are the most obvious…the most important…and the most often overlooked.

Listening.

A program director must listen to the radio station. Not in the office. Not just on the way home…but the way the audience listens. A good programmer should take off one weekday each month and drive around the market with the radio playing loud. How can you expect the audience to listen to you don’t? How can you expect the audience to relate if you can’t? One day each month spent listening…and nothing else…can make a big difference.

But it shouldn’t stop there. The air staff should also be forced to listen. It’s not enough that a personality cuts to a traffic report. The deejay has to be able to relate to traffic problems…or weather problems…or whatever to make a connection with the audience. Every month, each deejay should spend his shift in the car driving to work…or driving home…or visiting the malls…or wherever the audience is when the deejay is usually on the air. The personality must know what his listeners are going through…not just guess or assume.

Time spent with your air talent, one-on-one, is also extremely important. Don’t expect them just to do their job. Demand it. Take the time to let them know what you want and explain it in a way they can understand.

In this business of communication, we too often fail to communicate with those who can make our station a success. Or maybe we don’t know how.

Lorna Ozmon of Ozmon Media is one of the industry’s leaders in developing talent. She’s developed techniques based on theater arts and psychology disciplines. She has seven keys that she considers important in coaching air personality development. Next week, in this column, you can share her ideas and maybe translate them to your staff in a way that could give you immediate results in the sound and relatability of your station.

I can’t listen them now, because I hear Slim Harpo singing, “Raining In My Heart” on the radio. I don’t know what station because I just can’t relate.

Maybe next week.

R.I.P. Churban

10/7/1994

Are we witnessing the demise of Churban radio, even as we don’t listen?

In more and more markets across the country, the format seems to be undergoing a directional change (at the very least) and a complete overhaul (in extreme). So, what’s up?

Those programming Churban radio stations are quick to say that the format is alive and well and doing better than ever. From a strictly 12+ Arbitron rating perception, in many cases this is true. But many more are finding problems with the format…both in its ability to draw audience in the salable demographics and in its ability to attract an audience that is attractive to advertisers.

The Churban format was born when Top 40 programmers wanted to separate their stations from the strictly Mainstream competition. Playing more R&B (remember that term?) and Rap was one was to set yourself apart. As radio stations became successful with this type of programming, the dichotomy became more complete. Suddenly it wasn’t just playing more R&B and Rap, it was playing only R&B and Rap. Churban, once known for establishing a bridge between Mainstream and Urban, evolved from a hybrid into a format that stood on its own.

It wasn’t a long time ago when there were two Churban stations in a lot of markets. Now, it’s sometimes hard to find one. The reasons are varied, but they break down along ethnic and economic lines.

No one understands the format (the positives and the negatives) better than i do, although a lot of people program it better than I ever did. Not to take away anything from those who are successful (particularly the guru, Jerry Clifton), but I submit that the very first Chrurban radio station in the country was KFRC. The format was born out of two necessities…ethnis and economics.

When I arrived in San Francisco in 1980, KFRC was losing to Urban KSOL in the ratings and behind about 10 other station in billing. It was evident that KFRC was (a) not satisfying the core audience and (b) not attracting ethnic listeners. Since San Francisco is such a diverse ethnic city, it was a no-brainer to move the music to an ethnic mix catering to that audience.

And it worked. Brilliantly. And that’s when the economics kicked in. National business went through the roof, but local sales lagged behind. Our increased ratings were being countered on the local sales scene with the vague whispers that KFRC’s audience was mostly ethnic and therefore the listners had less disposable income. Fortunately, our numbers were so strong that we were able to overcome that counter-sales tactic. Plus, although KFRC leaned heavily Urban, in those days, we were still able to play enough Mainstream music to more than balance it out.

Today’s market is much different. The lines are more clearly drawn.

Fast-forward to 1990. I was programming KWOD in Sacramento against KSFM. I say against, but a check of the dictionary would tell you that to be against something, you have to be close. KWOD wasn’t. KSFM was then, and is now, a tightly formatted, highly professional, extgremely competitive radio station that, quite frankly, kicked our ass. We weren’t even close.

To counter KSFM’s programming (and to disguies the face that we couldn’t beat them in a format I thought I knew better than anybody), we changed formats to a Mainstream/Alternative. It worked to perfection. Although KWOD never approached KSFM’s 12+ ratings dominance, we managed to sell out the available commercial time by focusing on the salable 18-34 demographics. KSFM’s target was 18-34-year-old Hispanic females. KWOD’s target was 18-34-year-old, upper income (read White) males and females. We never managed more than 10% of KSFM’s national billing, but locally, KWOD did extremely well.

Few owners or GMs will admit that race plays a part in deciding on a format. the reality is much different. Major market radio station that perform well in th ratings won’t have a sales problem. National advertising will take care of that. In smaller markets, because the majroity of the sales are made up of local contacts, who listens is often more importnat than how many. This is one of the problems facting the Churban format.

Another, possibly more important reason is that most Churban stations just aren’t performing as well as in times past…no matter what the ethnic breakdown. There aren’t as many programmmers who are competent in their trade…and there’s a reason for this. Chuck Field, PD of KSFM, says that the biggest problem with the Churban format is that it is regionally diverse. No other format depends on the specific market research that drives the Churban format. There are very few national automatic Churban record adds because each market is different. Because Arbitron weights Hispanics, but not Blacks, in Sacramento, KSFM’s core is Hispanic females. But in Orlando, Arbitron weights Hhispanics and Blacks and the core is different. It’s hard for one Churban station to relate to the success of stories on another because the numbers are different.

No less than consultant Jerry Clifton, the God of Churban, has been tinkering with many ofhis stations. In several cases,he has begun adding Alternative music to the mix and in some instances, he has changed the format to a more Mainstream/Alternative stance. When it is programmed correctly, the format can still be formidable. The proof can be found in New York at Hot 97 and in Los Angeles at KPWR and in Chicago at B96 and San Francisco at KMEL…just to name a few. The key is to narrow-focus on the music. Too many Churbans try to be too hip for the room and wind up playing too much new music. Most Programmers agree that more than one new song an hour can put the format in jeopardy. Also, smart programmers rely on the heritabe of the format and feature a lot of Old School (Oldies) music.

Most agree that Chruban is facing a serious identity crysis. The format began as a niche and could wind up niching itself out of existence. Good programming cures many ills, but many see the Churban format becoming less liable in the future. As it is cut from above by Mainstream stations with an Alternative edge and from below by Rap and Urban stations, Churbans are being squeezed out of the large piece of the pie.

What’s in the future? If I knew that, I would still be in radio.

The Network 40 Convention

9/30/1994

What if a trade magazine held a convention and nobody came? It happened last week and nobody is more satisfied than those of us at Network 40.

Last week, Network 40 didn’t have our first annual Network 40 convention and it was a complete success. It would be impossible to thank all of the people who weren’t responsible for our first-ever convention, so we won’t even try. Suffice it to say that I you weren’t there, you didn’t miss a thing.

Being limited in time and space, I can’t write about all of the wonderful things that didn’t happen at the first annual Network 40 convention. I’ll just hit the highlights.

The Network 40 convention was not held this past weekend in San Francisco, Virginia, New Orleans, Las Vegas, Minneapolis, New York and Los Angels. We chose not to have it in several different locations at the same time because it had never been done before and that really challenged us to blow it off.

The keynote speech was not given by the President of the United States, Bill Clinton. Mr. Clinton did not respond to our invitation not to speak and his non-appearance would have been the highlight of the convention if so many other spectacular events had not taken place.

After the keynote address (which, by the way, did not stimulate the industry into spontaneous support of another four years of his administration), the rest of the day was not scheduled for a series of panel discussions.

The most anticipated of the afternoon meetings was the Top 40 panel that didn’t feature Scott Shannon, Steve Smith and Steve Kingston debating Rick Cummings, Kevin Weatherly and Steve Perun via coast-to-coast satellite. None of the the participants were invited to attend and all did not show up, making this panel so exciting. Scott, Steve and Steve did not get to brag about New York being the bigger market and Rick, Kevin and Steve did not point out that the weather was much nicer in Los Angeles. Although it would have been a toss-up as to where you could see the most famous movie stars when dining out, it was not pointed out that Los Angeles, even with a 10-year low in drive-by shootings, still leads the Big Apple by almost a two-to-one margin.

And what about that panel on record company promotion? Rick Stone, Rick Bisceglia, Andrea Ganis, John Fagot, Ron Geslin, Burt Baumgartner, Craig Lambert, Jon Leshay, Ken Lane, Barb Seltzer, Hilary Shaev, Steve Leavitt, Ray Carlton, Brenda Romano, Marc Benesch, Jack Satter, Bruce Tenenbaum, David Leach, Mark Kargol, Joe Riccitelli, Nancy Levin, Butch Waugh, rich Fitzgerald, Mike Becce, Michael Plen, Stu Cohen, Danny Ostrow and Bill Pfordresher were not invited to participate. It is a tribute to Network 40 that all complied with our wishes. It is worth noting that had they showed up, they would not have discussed how to promote records in the ’90s. Their silence was truly deafening.

Significant by their absence at this panel were Lori Anderson, Randy Speendlove, Bruce Schoen, Banny Buch, Phil Costello, Jeffrey Blalock, Bruce Reiner, Justin Fontaine, Jerry Blair, Charlie Walk, Greg Thompson, Valerie DeLong, Bob Garland, ron Gregory, Michael Steele, Dale Connone, Craig Coburn, Chris Lopes, Sean Lynch, Mark Gorlick, Andy Szulinski, Vicki Leben, Ann Marie Reggie, Skip Bishop and Marc Ratner, none of whom were there to applaud or nod wisely when their bosses made an astute comment.

The evening cocktail party was not hosted by Polly Anthony. It is important to note that not one person drank too much and made comments that would be regretted the following morning.

The midnight concert was not headlined by Elvis and won’t be remembered for years to come. Opening was Sly & The Family Stone who also didn’t show, but this time, nobody noticed.

The entire staff of Network 40 wishes to thank everyone in the record and radio industries for not participating in the convention we didn’t have. Because of you, it was a complete success.

It is a fact that there are too many conventions, but who’s to say there can’t be one more? Or two? Or three? Screams and moans are coming from offices of comptrollers about cutbacks and cost-controls, yet ever record company seems to be able to scrape together enough spare change to send a contingent to nearly every city that can gather together two or more radio programmers in a single, vast room.

There was a time when radio people went to conventions to seek new jobs. The radio business today is in such a state that there aren’t many new jobs available. Most of those squeezing a living out of radio can’t afford to spend their own cash (has that ever happened?) to attend a gathering where they couldn’t at least have the opportunity to pitch for a gig somewhere.

Since many record companies are paying less attention to smaller markets, a programmer who isn’t in a large market has no chance of being offered airfare and hotel accommodations from a once-favorite uncle. So we’re left with major market programmers who are generally too busy keeping their station competitive to participate in panel discussions on how to keep competitive.

But because there have been so many changes in the record industry this year, those in the record business are quick to attend “radio” conventions so they can meet the new record company executives and lobby for a job. The faces and line-of-work have changed, but the pitch is the same.

Like my momma said, “Too much of even a good thing is often worse than not enough.”

All of us love getting together with others in a similar line of work. We like to talk and gossip and share stories that will make us more informed, and quite possibly, better at our jobs. But even given the beautiful, intelligent and humble people who make up the majority of our industry, the fact is that bonding once or twice a year is quite enough for our particular species. Any more than that and we tend to get aggravated and begin to eat our young.

Of course, it’s easy for us to feel proud and give advice. Last week’s Network 40 convention was such a complete success that it won’t be held again next year. We urge others to do the same.

Wake-Up Call

9/23/1994

The evolution of Top 40 radio continues. And as our listeners’ habits and attitudes toward our radio stations change, so must our programming philosophies.

There was a time, in the not-so-distant past, when Top 40 radio stations built their audiences backwards. Since the teen audience is the most active, programmers put their energy and promotional dollars into the 7-12 midnight slot to draw that active audience quickly. Once the teens found the station after dark, the energy and promotional dollars were extended back to the other dayparts. The last day-part considered was the morning show. As a matter of fact, many successful Top 40 radio station did quite well for years without a high-profile morning show.

During the late ’60s and early ’70s, most morning shows on successful Top 40 stations were mainly hybrids of afternoon drive. Music was still the main element. News and weather reports were broadcast and maybe a couple of one-liners were thrown in to fool the audience into thinking that a personality was involved, but the biggest difference between the two drive-times (and often the only difference) was the reading of the school lunch menu of the day.

This all began to change in the late ’70s. As the top 40 format began to draw a larger portion of the older demographics, a higher profile became imperative to attract and maintain that audience in morning drive. This point was driven home by several morning talents who became as big, if not bigger, that the radio stations where they worked.

The success of Rick Dees at WHBQ in Memphis was particularly important in changing the way the format viewed morning personalities. Dees was the most phenomenal deejay in the history of Memphis radio…and the city had many. Rick transcended the format and became the primary reason people listened to WHBQ. It was not something that was ignored by the powerful RKO chain, owners of WHBQ, and stations in every major market. Paul Drew, VP/Programming for RKO, was quick to see the value a high-profile morning show added to a successful radio station. He moved Dees to Los Angeles and set about hiring high-profile morning shows for the other RKO stations. And the trend began.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the trends. It didn’t work everywhere. In many instances, the process backfired.

High profile, marketable, listenable morning talents succeeded on the RKO stations because the programmers still controlled the morning shows. Formats were followed, music was still the main ingredient and the morning deejays were forced to work within the structure of the stations’ overall sound.

It wasn’t that way everywhere.

More than one station found out that although a great morning show can take your ratings through the roof and set you up for the rest of the day, the opposite is just as true.

There isn’t a Scott Shannon, John Lander or Rick Dees hanging out in every station. These guys can do a five-minute bit before the commercial break and the audience will stay with them and enjoy their entertainment. The same can’t be said for bad imitations.

Morning shows are like fine Ferraris. They must be tuned to perfection. If only one element is out of sync, the entire show won’t work.

If you have the budget to hire a proven morning talent, you probably won’t have to dial the show in as much. But it, as is the case in most situations, you work with a limited budget, you can’t afford a true, expensive free agent. You’ll have to make do with what is available.

That is why the support team is so important. In simple terms, if Scott Shannon, Rick Dees and John Lander need a group of professionals around them to make sure the  morning show operates smoothly, isn’t the same doubly true for those with less talent? Too often, stations spend the entire available budget on talent and have little or none left over for a supporting cast. I’m not talking about the news person or a sidekick, I mean the prodders…the person who makes sure the morning show runs smoothly and consistently.

Consistency is the key to a successful morning show. Almost any competent deejay can amuse and entertain the audience when things are going right. But most days, everyone needs help. This is why a producer is so important to the success of a morning show…to make sure the show is consistent day-in and day-out.

It is a given that most of us in radio started at the bottom. We were all “gym rats” to some extent. Not only will a good producer make your morning show sound better and operate smoothly, but it’s alto an excellent proving ground for your next programming assistant…or music director…or program director…or, if you’re really lucky, your next morning talent.

A good producer can surround your morning talent with a support staff that makes everyone sound better. It makes the main deejay’s job easier and keeps him focused on entertainment. It also makes your morning person easier to deal with inside the station. The talent can concentrate on the personality aspects of the show. The producer handles the formatics, guests, hot topics and schedules the rest of the week.

There’s another reason a good producer is priceless. If you have a great morning show that is hosted by a morning talent, you have less risk of losing the audience if the talent decides to leave. Particularly in smaller markets, losing your morning talent, especially if the talent is good, is always a distinct possibility. A good producer can maintain the momentum of a morning show without having it hinge on the personality of the main morning talent.

If the ultimate success of your station depends on the performance of your morning show, I suggest you take all of these suggestions and more into consideration. Maybe you will discover something that will make your radio station better.

Isn’t that what we’re all here for?

Renegades And Outlaws

9/9/1994

Okay partner, go for your gun!

I guess my thoughts of the old west were stimulated by doing this week’s interview with Mark Driscoll. It’s difficult for two veteran war horses to discuss the state of radio without sharing some stories about past experiences…and, of course, with Driscoll, past lives.

I don’t want this Editorial to digress into a story about the “good old days.” It isn’t an answer to the question, “…how was it in the big war, Daddy?” But in my rambling conversation with Captain Planet, the terms “renegade” and “outlaw” kept coming up.

Where have they gone? Not the “good old days,” but the renegade and outlaw programmers? They’re out there, but they’re sure harder to find.

Radio used to be a part of the music business. For the most part, programmers were drawn to radio as a profession because of their love of music. I don’t know if that is true any longer and maybe it’s why radio…at least contemporary radio…is experiencing problems.

It’s interesting to note that some major radio companies that own Top 40 stations require that the candidates for programming opening fill out detailed questionnaires to determine their programming philosophy, personality and ability. Not long ago, I managed to get a copy of one of these profiles. There were over 600 questions, ranging from, “What is your favorite color?” to “How does the recent end of the Cold War with the Soviet Union affect your daily life?” There were specific inquiries about public affairs commitments, news coverage and commercial loads. Others questioned the applicants’ knowledge of computers and software programs. But there was not one question about music.

Not one!

There was a time when programmers went out of the box on a record because it sounded like a hit. And it’s not all just about music. There was a time when programmers put contests on in the blink of an eye because of current events. There was a time when deejays were excited about just being on the radio. There was also a time when the audience was passionate about its choice of radio stations.

You can use a lot of words to describe radio today, but passionate isn’t one of them. We’ve spent so much time researching our passive audience that our radio stations have become passive.

And we’re all to blame.

Research, originated to illuminate, is being used to culminate. Research cannot ignite. Research cannot excite. Research cannot create. But it can overweight.

The Chairman of the Sony Corporation when asked about market research regarding a new technological breakthrough said, “We don’t do market research. We create markets.”

A true renegade.

Programmers, for the sake of our business and the sake of their future, must break out of the molds they’ve too often built around themselves. To survive for awhile, you can be conservative. To win, you must take chances.

To take chances, you must have confidence in your ability. And you can’t be afraid to fail.

Tell the consultant who wants you to play it safe that you’re going to do it your way because you believe in yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to believe in you? If you fail, you can always regroup and do it “his” way. But when you succeed, you’ll begin to chart your own destiny.

Gather all the information you need to make the decision, but make the decision yours. That way you get the credit. And another station in a larger market that is looking for someone to lead it to success will choose you…not your consultant or your research group.

A programmer’s talent lies in being able to anticipate the social shifts and changes that will affect the audience. Get connected with your listeners by talking with them…not reading their reactions from computer print-outs prepared by an outside agency that dilutes the data. Some of the best information comes from listening to individuals who listen to your station.

Do you know who decided that call letters should be the first thing uttered coming out of a record? Buzz Bennett was at a traffic light in San Diego, getting off on the fact that the car next to him had KCBQ cranked to the max. However, as the record faded and the deejay began talking, the listener turned down the radio before the jock mentioned the call letters. From that, a basic was born. Buzz didn’t wait for a focus group.

When I was programming KRIZ in Phoenix, we played no commercials on Monday. Of course, we ran promos stating the obvious. A listener said, “KRIZ plays no commercials on Mondays, yet all day Monday you run commercials saying you’re playing no commercials. Why is that? I scratched the promos (commercials in the listeners’ ears) immediately. No further testing was necessary.

What’s all this about? Getting the talented programmers in our industry to take chances. Getting programmers to believe in themselves and take radical stances to improve and electrify their radio stations. Getting programmers to act more on their inherent impulses rather than waiting to see what the research says.

Several years ago in a panel discussion about Arbitron ratings and how you could use the strategic research to program to your audience, Scott Shannon was asked his opinion. He said, “I don’t know anything about ratings except how to make them go up.”

What an outlaw.

Most of you reading this have the talent and the ability to make your radio station different. Most of you can do it…few make the move. In an industry that rewards innovation and risk-taking, too many of us choose the road of complacency that leads to mediocrity.

Charles Barkley says that when his team is down by two and time is running out, he’ll pull up for a three-point-shot…that the difference between being a star and an also-ran lies in the belief that he will make it…that given the opportunity he will always take the chance.

Didn’t you get in this business because you believed you could do it better than others? Do you want to be an also-ran? Or do you want to be a star?

Shoot the three!

It’s The Music, Stupid

9/2/1994

What comes first?

Ah, an age-old question that has perplexed generations for centuries. Was it the chicken or the egg? The horse or the cart? Better yet, what does it have to do with radio?

I have the answer. Not to the age-old question, but to what it has to do with radio.

This past weekend, I took a little trip (“…take a little trip…take a little trip”) to Phoenix. Yeah, I heard “Low Rider” a lot, but that isn’t the point. It was hot (108 degrees), but that wasn’t the only comparison with hell. I had the opportunity (?) to listen to some of the worst sounding radio stations I’ve ever heard.

Something happened on the way from Marconi, through McClendon, past Drake and Drew to where we are today…and it doesn’t sound very pretty.

I heard more deejays trying to be hip and failing miserably than I thought was possible. I guess it proves that some people can’t aim too low. I swear, some of the people I heard on the radio made whale shit look like stardust!

I know, some of you are saying that it’s easy to be hard (okay, so I listened to a lot of Oldies), but I’m not writing just to be critical. (That’s only when I write about R&R). I’m just concerned about the state of radio.

Let me be quick to point out that not every station in Phoenix was guilty of bad radio. KKFR and KVRY sounded good. And Phoenix isn’t the only city afflicted with this epidemic. It’s national.

Oh, yeah, the original question: What comes first, the music or the deejay?

Let me share a couple of breaks and let you decide.

“That’s Little Feat. They haven’t had a hit since lead singer Lowell George split. Now that he’s back, you can hear the group heading for the top again.” (FYI, Lowell George is dead.)

“And you can check out the exhibit on Abraham Lincoln. He was the first President born in a log cabin he built himself.”

“It’s a shame Eddie Vedder committed suicide, but Nirvana’s music will live on without him.”

I’m leaving out the incredible stupid jock bits.

How did we get here? At what point in time did we begin to hire people who aren’t professionally schooled in the ABCs of good radio and who have no clue about the artists or music they play?

I know I have been an advocate of personality radio. I’ve said that to survive and grow, radio must offer more than music. But the key here is more…not less.

Except in extremely rare cases, the Top 40 audience tunes in to radio to hear their favorite music. What deejays do between the breaks is important only if it adds to that fact. But the key ingredient is music. So many on the air today have no respect for the music they play and their ratings show it.

There was a time in radio when the deejays did all their bits over song intros. Hey, you always hit a vocal or at least the post. But even in the weenie days of Top 40, we never talked over music that mattered. The Osmonds? You betcha. The Beatles? Never.

Too many deejays now have no connection with the totality of their audience. Because a liner card is put in the studio, few do any homework about the artist they’re featuring. Logs are done by computer so jocks, in many cases, don’t even listen to the music. There is no respect for the music…and the audience can hear it.

A jock has no excuse not to know everything about a group that is new on the station. There’s so much in print about music that one must be incredibly ignorant not to spend what little time is needed to be in the know.

Jocks who do stupid bits over the endings of records should be taken from the radio station and killed. You have your time to talk…while the music is on, let it play.

The main reason for the lack of professionalism among air talent is a lack of direction. It wasn’t long ago that some programmers began hiring “street” people instead of professional announcers. Not a bad idea. However, too often these “deejays” were given very little instruction on the basics of radio. That’s not a bad thing in some instances, because in the beginning, their knowledge of the music and the “scene” was more important than the basics. So, for a while, it worked.

But after a bit, the street wears thin and because they’re busy being deejays, their knowledge of the “scene” and the music isn’t on the cutting edge. The very things these people had to offer in the beginning are no longer there and instead, you wind up with unknowledgeable, unhip people who have no idea of the basics.

It ain’t working.

Jocks need to be schooled in the basics. Of course, for this to happen, programmers need to know what to tell them to do. Too often, programmers are too busy with sales meetings, research analysis or budget seminars to spend time doing aircheck sessions.

Aircheck sessions?

Yeah. The basics.

A good programmer shouldn’t let a week go by without an aircheck session with each member of the staff. Programming techniques should be required and reinforced constantly.

Too many deejays are trying to be too hip for the room. And you know what? They’re succeeding! Three elements should be in every break: (1) call letters or moniker, (2) time, and (3) title and artist of the song. If you’re too hip to convey these three elements to your audience, you’re too hip for most of them to listen to.

If a deejay is good, everything the ego dictates to be cool can fit in…but no one should let ego get in the way of giving the audience the things they want most. You’ll be more successful trying to fit in than stand out.

Programmers who have a problem getting their talent to following programming basics should schedule Aretha Franklin’s “Respect” and hope their talent gets it. If they don’t, blow them out!

Which bring us to another problem. It’s harder to fire someone for incompetence these days. You have to build a case. Don’t forget, it’s still legal to terminate an employee for “just cause.”

In this case, just cause they suck!

Gerry Cagle

God’s Gift To Brain Surgery

(Interview By Jeff Silberman)

8/26/1994

“Genius” is a word that’s bandied about a lot these days. In the radio business, there are those who assign it to anyone whose station rose more than a tenth of a point in an Arbitrend. Yet to be honest, the true geniuses in this business are very few and far between. In the entire history of hit music radio, you actually can count the real programming geniuses on one hand.

Gerry Cagle is one of those fingers…to many, the biggest finger. Check out “The Long And Winding Road” on the opposite page; the man has buried more heritage stations than most PD whizzes have even dreamed about running. He has been there and done that, all with unerring insight and undeniable vision that have earned him a vaunted place in this industry. At a trade magazine. This trade magazine.

Who were the most influential people you’ve met in radio and what were the most important lessons they taught you?

Paul Drew, who is the person mot responsible for the success I had in radio, taught me how to make my whacked-out ideas work within the framework of a format. KFRC GM Pat Norman taught me to allow the people I hired to make mistakes and thereby learn rather than remain clones. And the infamous Tondelaho shared the secrets of the universe with me.

Was there at time when radio stopped being as much fun as it became a business?

Not really. Radio has always been a business; it’s just that the business has changed. Whether or not your job is fun is up to you, not the circumstances. So many people today want to hide behind the excuse that they are unable to perform because radio is such a business. I’ve got news for them. It’s always been that way. Too many programmers want to impress their superiors with their business acumen. The truth is that good PDs are artists. They aren’t hired to save money, they’re hired to make money. If you are a good business person with poor ratings, you’ll be a good business person in the unemployment line. Programmers should be proud that they have a unique ability and avoid conforming to the attitudes set by those who aren’t fortunate enough to have that vision. I’ll give you a great example. When Jerry Clifton was hired to program the RKO station in New York, he was told that he couldn’t do call-in contests. The phone company promised to shut down telephone service to any stations running such contests because there were no high-density lines in the Big Apple. Clifton ran call-in contests using pay phones in different sections of the city. That way, when phone service was shut down because of the high number of calls, his station wasn’t affected. The phone company finally relented and put in high-density lines to all stations. A good programmer will also always find a way to make what he does fun, because if it isn’t, his audience won’t enjoy it. Listeners don’t choose radio stations because it makes good business, they choose their favorites because they enjoy sharing the music and entertainment. If it ain’t fun…it ain’t happening.

Two words: “label politics.” What’s the best way to deal with it?

By dealing with it. Bill Gavin said it best: “Be nice to the people who are paid to be nice to you.” Radio has to recognize that record companies service us with product. We need to respect their needs because radio needs record companies to survive. If radio programmers would spend more time with record promoters explaining the format, restrictions and needs of their station, most relationships would improve dramatically. Good record promoters can take “no” for an answer if they understand the reasons behind the answer. By taking time to explain your philosophy beforehand, you will save time and avoid negative attitudes in the long run. PDs who haven’t got the time to spend with record company representatives should make time. It’s an important part of their business.

Where do you draw the line between legitimate promotions and add/rotation blackmail?

Simple. If you never ask a record company for favors, they have no right to ask you. If you work with record companies on certain promotions, there will be a payback.

You wrote a book called “PAYOLA.” Where did you get the inspiration for the title?

There was no inspiration. I wrote it for the money. It was fun and mostly fiction. Just like the title.

Why did you get out of radio and go into politics?

I was asked by the Governor of Mississippi to become his Chief of Staff. I thought it would be a fun, learning experience and it was. At the end of his term, elections were being held for Congress. I never really believed I would win, but how many people can say they ran for Congress of the United States? When I went across the district in a wagon pulled by a team of mules, we sealed our fate. Mississippi just wasn’t ready for such a futuristic approach.

Why did you get back into radio?

Simple. I lost the race. Otherwise, you would be calling me Congressman Cagle and I would be doing this interview with a real reporter.

With the aging money demos, can Top 40 survive programming a Mainstream mix?

That is not now, nor has it ever been, a programming problem. That’s a sales problem. In every other medium, youth is seen as a positive, not a negative. Nearly every advertisement features young, sexy images. Top 40 needs to sell that image, not campaign for the opposite. If Top 40 radio did a better job selling what it is rather than trying to be something it isn’t, revenue wouldn’t be a problem.

What are the biggest obstacles a programmer must overcome?

Politics, lust, power, money, booze and drugs…and the absence of politics, lust, power, money, booze and drugs.

In a competitive situation, does it help to take a personal fix on your rivals?

You have to identify your opposition as much as you identify your target. If you have competition in the format, you have to counter-program. You must point out the differences to your audience and make sure you benefit from the comparison.

So how important is it to play mind games on your rivals?

Before you can win with your audience, you must win within your own company…in the halls…at the water cooler. Then, as Randy Kabrich once said, “Before you can successfully program your radio station, you have to successfully program your competitor’s.” You must beat them within their operation. If they are busy talking about you, they aren’t working on their own product. The more they worry about you, the easier it is to beat them.

What are the most effective mind games to play on the competition?

Anything that makes you their focus. Not that I would ever stoop to this level, but going through their trash, finding memos, then sending one to the GM with a note attached might make them believe there is a traitor in their midst. Showing up at their promotions with something better is always fun. Any of the small things you can do to make their life miserable.

If or when the hammer falls on you, what’s the first thing you should do?

Find another nail.

How long can a person program Top 40? Is there or should there be an age limit?

Age has nothing to do with it. It’s a state-of-mind. There are 20-year-olds who are too old in their mind set to program Top 40. There are many over-50s who have what it takes. Ability is what counts.

You have the reputation for being sort of a desperado. Has that helped or hurt?

Both. I always did it my way because I have the confidence and track record to believe my way is the best. I was hired to win, period. It was, at times, chaotic and all-consuming, but it worked. I accepted no restrictions going in because I considered programming war. After the war is won, a new general is often needed to keep the peace. I found it boring. It’s a fact that ladies love outlaws, but many GMs don’t share that same emotion.

Why did you get out of radio and into publishing?

I was lucky. I managed to achieve all of my goals. I had nothing left to prove as a programmer. I wanted to do something that would combine my love of music and my relationships in the record community with my knowledge of radio programming. Network 40 provided the perfect opportunity.

Why did you pick on R&R so much?

Good programming. If Network 40 was to become the most important trade magazine, it would have to beat the number one. Because I dealt with R&R for so many years as a programmer, I knew the shortcomings from the radio side. On top of radio’s legitimate gripes about R&R’s dictatorial policies and attitude, it didn’t take long to identify the record companies’ areas of dissatisfaction. Pointing out those problems to our listeners gave them the opportunity to choose the better station.

Was it personal?

Only in the sense that R&R didn’t care about the audience they served. As I was once a part of their audience and had to survive within their dictates, I must admit it was more satisfying than if I had never been involved on that level. But as VP/GM of this magazine, I’m concerned with the success of Network 40, not the failures of others.

How should radio look at the trades? What the most good they can get out of them?

I can only speak for Network 40. I don’t read the other trades and I don’t believe anyone else should either. Network 40 operates on a very simple premise: We try to provide our listeners with information that will make their jobs easier. Everyone employed by Network 40 was in radio before they began working here. We understand the industry like no other. Network 40 serves as a published on-line system that allows our radio and record company listeners an opportunity to interact and share ideas. We work with the radio and record industries…not for either. In the coming months, our expansion will be dramatic. Thanks to our listeners, we are growing…and they are growing with us.

Any final words before we’re finished?

If you want to be a desperado, you can’t be afraid to die.

The Long And Winding Road

WRBC, Jackson                                  Program Director

WFUN, Miami                                    Air Personality

WMFJ, Daytona Beach                       Program Director

KTLK, Denver                                    Program Director

KRIZ, Phoenix                                     Program Director

WRKO, Boston                                   Program Director

KHJ, Los Angeles                               Program Director,

RKO VP Programming

KCBQ, San Diego                               Program Director

Mississippi Governor’s Office           Chief Of Staff

KFRC, San Francisco                         Operations Manager

WAPP, New York                               VP Operations

Summit Communications                     VP Programming

Y106, Orlando                                     Station Manager

TK Communications                            National PD

KWOD, Sacramento                            Station Manager

 

I Feel Pretty

8/26/1994

Since its inception, Network 40 has made subtle shifts and changes to reflect the needs of our readers. The past year has seen massive changes in our industry, both real and perceptual. The move to actual airplay in the form of Plays Per Week (first championed and debuted by Network 40 over two years ago) has virtually rewritten the rules we had become accustomed to following. The entertainment industry as a whole has had to redirect its efforts to deal with reality. As a mirror to the industry, it was obvious to us that many of these changes should be reflected in our magazine.

We’ve spent the past few months researching new and innovative ways to feature our information. During that time, we spoke with virtually all of our friends in the radio and record industries (unlike our competitors, who seem to make almost monthly revisions that best suit their needs). We asked you to help us design the best industry trade magazine available. This week’s issue debuts the changes you’ve suggested.

It starts with the cover. No, we’re not demanding that all of our cover features appear in drag…though we did discuss it. We just wanted to make sure you noticed the changes. This cover makes us impossible to miss. Future issues will feature people in the radio and record industries who are making the news. Since we depend on your thoughts and ideas, we thought it only fair to use your pictures as well.

You’ll notice the new logo design (jingle package) and the cover spread. But there’s a lot more than just rouge, lipstick and fake fingernails.

The regular features you’ve grown to know and love remain the same. You’ll still find the industry’s hottest gossip on Page 6. The Editorial, Interview, Conference Call, Station Spotlight and Promotions pages follow.

An in-depth look at music begins on Page 20. Network 40 remains the only trade magazine to spotlight new music before it comes out. You can check on records you might be considering by studying Network 40’s research across all formats. Our new A/C Chart debuts next week. This week, take a good look at all the new A/C stations in our reporter base. It’s a new section many of you have requested and we’re especially proud to debut it in this issue.

Following the A/C section is the Crossover Section, the Alternative section and a new exclusive Retail section that charts actual record sales nationwide and highlights the hottest sellers across the country. Our retail information features many outlets that aren’t a part of SoundScan. Real sales are highlighted here.

Show Prep is on Page 32. It is what it says: A feature to help prepare your talent for their air shift. We highlight different artists each week with facts your listeners will enjoy knowing. Its companion piece is “Rimshots,” whacked-out observations on the news of the weird from the cracked minds of a couple of our staffers.

Our exclusive Overnight Requests follow with listings of the most requested songs on the nation’s hottest stations along with featured night jocks, artists and the biggest Buzz records.

Our in-depth research section follows. You’ll find playlists from our hottest reporters by market size: Major, Large, Medium and Small. Then, a “Now Selling” list featuring sales charts from selected record stores across the country.

The biggest changes come next with our Spin Cycle. Here you’ll find everything you need to know about every charted record: Plays Per Week, the total number of stations playing the record, how many adds, how many drops, requests ranking and the average PPWs. Is there anything else you could possibly want? Oh, yeah, an index that lists the page number where there’s even more information on each record.

The Crunch Page is next. It’s a quick look inside the numbers, listing the Most Added records. There’s also an Accelerated Airplay Chart that shows the Top 20 records ranked by the most increased airplay of the past week.

And on the black page is the heritage part of our stats: the Mainstream Chart. It’s a compilation of the top records in the nation, ranked by Plays Per Week according to Network 40’s reporters…the most Top 40 stations of any trade.

You’ll find the new Network 40 easy to read. If you’re interested in just the facts, start with the Mainstream Chart, then work you way backwards through the Crunch Page, Spin Cycle and Playlists. If you’re interested in the features, start on page 1. Either way, you’ll find that Network 40 provides you with all the features needed to keep you informed and make your job easier.

Although the look of Network 40 has changed, our attitude hasn’t. We’re different from every other trade magazine in a lot of ways, but in once specific way that we are particularly proud of: Every person who works for Network 40 has radio experience…from the receptionists to the VP/GM. No other trade can make that statement. We don’t write about radio, we life it…and continue to live it daily with our constant networking.

We may play the music too hot, talk up every vocal and oversell from time-to-time, but it’s something everyone connected with radio and the record business can understand. It’s a personality oriented, up-tempo attitude we share with our readers and reporters.

The growth of Network 40 and the changes debuted in this issue are the culmination of literally hundreds of conversations. It would be impossible to list everyone who has contributed. It sounds trite, but we want to thank all of you.

But there’s one I must name and thank personally. Scott Shannon and I started our careers about the same time many years ago. Scott was a baby deejay in Nashville, Tennessee…I started in Jackson, Mississippi. Both stations shared the same AM frequency and when one of us forgot to lower power, we jumped on the other’s signal. A friendship somehow developed and over the years, through all the successes and failures, we’ve somehow managed to fight through our egos and tell each other the truth, even when we sometimes didn’t want to hear it. Scott’s insights have been invaluable, given without any ulterior motive except to help me succeed.

To him I give a special thanks and, in return, he will be the first of many radio people featured on our cover…after me, of course, continuing the long tradition of his futile attempts to follow in my footsteps!

By The Time I Got To…

8/19/1994

Woodstock ’94 started out a little different from the original. I was booked on that special United flight into New York…the one full of industry people wanting to be hippies just one more time. The flight was delayed, so I sat down in the padded chair in that fancy room they reserve for first class passengers. That’s when it all went to hell.

A buttoned-down steward (certainly not sporting the Woodstock look) approached me with a frown. It seems I was the only passenger in first class who hadn’t ordered the special vegetarian plate and he was worried that others might be offended at the smell of my well-done steak. I flipped him half the peace sign, closed my eyes and thought back 25 years ago.

It started out as just another balmy, breezy morning in Coconut Grove. A bunch of us were living in the park. On the beach. A stone’s throw from downtown Miami. In between my regular job as a deejay on WFUN, I told fortunes in the park. I can steal read a palm with the best of them.

I was also partly responsible for cooking the evening meal we all shared. I say partly responsible because none of us were really responsible.

Anyhow, one of my brothers (we called all of our friends brothers or sisters in those days) named John Joseph Henry Billygoat Night-timer Sweetdaddy Fox approached me grinning like a mule eating  briars.

“Pete,” he says (everyone called me Pete in those days because…aw, hell, just accept it without an explanation) “how would you like to go to Woodstock?”

I had no money. I had to work that evening. I had absolutely no idea where Woodstock was or why we should be going, so I had only one answer: “Of course.”

He waved over a thin, tender looking guy with long, stringy, blonde hair who was wearing bell-bottoms, a tie-dyed shirt, love beads and a headband with a peace sign in the middle. (Weren’t we all?)

“This is Electric Brian,” Sweetdaddy said.

I gave him half-a-dozen of the handshakes that were in vogue at the time, finishing with the two-palmed clasp that showed I really meant it.

“Hey, man,” I asked, “where’s Woodstock?” In those days I wasn’t afraid to make a fool out of myself by not knowing everything.

Electric Brian gave me a thousand-mile stare. “It’s where Bob Dylan lives, man.”

I said, “Far out.” Could I have really had any other response?

I chugged the cup of herbal tea Sweetdaddy offered and asked, “Who’s going?”

“Me, you and Gappy Lucy. Brian’s paying for all of us.”

“Far out.”

Gappy Lucy got her nickname because one of her front teeth was false. When she got stoned, she would take the tooth out and put a cigarette in its place. It was the sexiest thing I had ever seen.

When Sweetdaddy asked me how I liked the tea, I should have known things were about to get really twisted. You see, in those days, I was determined to keep my body and mind pure and clean and refused to do any drugs. My brothers and sisters were constantly trying to get me high and I should have heard a warning signal. But I didn’t. I guess I was too pure.

We jumped into Gappy’s VW van and headed for the airport. About half-way there, we ran out of gas. I’m pretty sure we became the first people attending Woodstock to abandon a vehicle on the side of the road and continue walking.

Inside the terminal, Electric Brian asked us what airline we’d like to fly, but I couldn’t answer. I was too busy dodging the giant winged alligators that materialized out of nowhere and were dive-bombing my head. I started to ask Sweetdaddy if he saw the alligators, but he looked to peaceful. I decided to wait. I knew he would see them soon enough.

When Electric Brian got us four seats on Bahamian Airlines, I should have said something. I had found out that Woodstock was in New York and I was pretty sure that New York wasn’t in the Bahamas, but I was too busy trying not to step on the snakes that were gathering at my feet. At least the alligators had disappeared.

The flight seemed to take only a few minutes, but I really can’t be sure as I was definitely not into space and time. I managed to gulp another cup of herbal tea and stepped down the stairs into a tropical paradise.

“I don’t know Woodstock was this beautiful,” Gappy said.

Sweetdaddy told her Bob Dylan lived there. I didn’t know what that had to do with anything and didn’t care. The alligators were back and they had turned nasty.

Somehow we made it to the hotel, though I never remembered the room. Electric Brian kept pulling out his credit card to pay for everything. I spent two days and nights in a hammock by the pool, drinking rum and pineapple juice…and more herbal tea. I really couldn’t leave the pool area. I was the only one who could see the giant octopus and keep it away from the children, though as time went on, the tourist families began to give us a wide berth.

I met John and Yoko. I asked him how he liked Woodstock. He said he didn’t really know and I thought that was cool. What was cooler was that he also saw the flying alligators.

By midnight of the second day, I began to wonder where all the bands were, but it really didn’t matter by then. Gappy Lucy had scared some children when she accidentally dropped her tooth off the diving board. Sweetdaddy took one of those kerosene tiki torches to try and illuminate the bottom. He lost his footing, fell in and set the pool on fire.

Electric Brian thought it was really cool, but hotel security disagreed. At least we got a police escort to the plane. As we got off in Miami, someone from Elektra Records grabbed Electric Brian and took away his credit card. That’s when I figured out how he got his name.

It wasn’t until a year later when I saw the movie that I realized I never quite made it to Woodstock. Or maybe I did. That special herbal tea was a bitch. And I don’t know anybody who can prove I wasn’t there.

The steward tapped me on the shoulder and brought me back to the present. He said it was time for boarding and offered me some herbal tea. I changed plans and jumped the next flight to Hawaii.

Woodstock ’94? Just like the original, baby. Far out.