Category: Commentaries

Another Playlist, Another Chart

7/19/1996 

In last week’s issue of Monitor, Sean Ross asked the question, “What would a Modern/Adult Top 40 chart look like?”

The first answer off the top of my head would be, “Who the hell cares?” But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Monitor has decided to answer a question nobody has asked and solve a problem that doesn’t exist.  Our industry needs another chart like it needs me to dress up like a woman again and appear on the cover of Network 40.  (Okay, that’s a bad analogy.  From time to time, I do feel the need to dress up in lingerie and hang out with my “sisters” at the Queen Mary Club in West Hollywood, but that’s another story…and there’s definitely no chart attached.)

This Editorial is not meant to vilify Misters Ross and/or Michael Ellis.  It has always been Network 40’s position that trade magazines should reflect the needs of the industry…both records and radio.  In most instances, Monitor has strived to do that.  However, by proposing a “Brand New Chart” and calling it “Modern Adult,” it seems that Monitor may be creating a problem.

Tina Turner sang, “We don’t need another hero.”  Does the industry really need another chart?

Instead of creating a “Brand New Chart,” perhaps we should redefine our old ones.  In the coming weeks, Network 40 will redefine A/C and Hot A/C with a chart devoted to Adult Top 40.  This chart will be a reflection of aggressively programmed Adult Top 40 stations across the country.  The Network 40 Adult Top 40 chart will be a reflection of those stations that are aggressive in programming, promotion and music.  It will include those stations that focus on adult demographics.  What it won’t include is an attempt to “niche” stations within the broad category.  It won’t try to define stations by particular records added to playlists.

The beauty of the Top 40 format and what makes it unique, be it Mainstream or Adult, is its total lack of uniqueness.  Top 40 is now, and has always been, a format that plays the hits garnered from all the other formats.  If the Top 40 format makes no formal distinction between Pearl Jam, Mariah Carey, Eric Clapton and The Fugees, other than the fact that the current records by these artists are selling, requesting and researching, why should we?

There are always variations on a theme.  No two radio stations are alike.  If most fit into a broad category, who are we to decide that a certain, chosen few need to be separated into a group of their own?

Or course, when an obvious trend occurs, as in the case of Adult Top 40, Crossover or Alternative, it is evident that format charts for these stations need to be created.  When stations within the format “niche” themselves out of the broad Top 40 boundaries, and when enough of these stations fall into the same niche, a chart devoted exclusively to a particular style of music and radio stations that play it is necessary.  Stations need to be niched based on what they “don’t” play instead of what songs appear on their playlists.

In the late 70s and early 80s, the RKO Radio chain dominated music radio like no other company before or since.  The chain had the leading Top 40 stations in New York, Los Angeles, Boston, San Francisco, Memphis and programming control over the leading Top 40 stations in Detroit, Chicago and San Diego.  It was the strictest form of radio in history.  Every station was programmed almost exactly the same.  Every station ran the same promotions at the same time. Every radio station added the same records every week.  Records were added to the chain.  Yet even in this restricted environment, some stations added records that were unique to their market.  The James Montgomery Band (just one example of many) was added in Boston, but never made it on another RKO station because the record was unique to Boston.  The other programmers knew this. The music industry knew this.

Here’s a news flash:  The programmers and record promotion people know this today.  We don’t need another chart to figure it out.

In the first place, the number of stations Monitor is including in this “Brand New Chart” is too small.  Fourteen stations do not make a “niche.”  For the record industry (and those programmers who pay close attention to national charts), movement is all-important.  With only 14 stations, a drop by just one station could reflect a downward move on the chart.  With such a finite sample, a record’s success on this “Brand New Chart” could be jeopardized if just one or two programmers didn’t believe it fit their particular sound.  A record doing well on 90% of the stations could be stymied on this “Brand New Chart” simply because it isn’t deep enough.

Second, what is Modern record?  Is it defined by what these particular stations play?  Then Seal, Eric Clapton, Tom Petty, Melissa Etheridge and Los Del Rio (just name just a few) are Modern artists. These were listed on the latest playlists of some of the stations “chosen” by Monitor to represent this “new” format.

We all understand that individual stations are unique.  What works on one does not necessarily work on another.  Aren’t we smart enough to figure it out without a chart to guide us?

In the article penned by Mr. Ross, he asks (in the first paragraph) the rhetorical question: “Modern/Adult…is it a format?”

If we aren’t even sure it’s a format, should we be creating a chart?

I have much respect for Sean Ross and Michael Ellis.  Michael and I worked together at WAPP in New York.  I can say with authority that Michael is definitely passionate about music.  But even at WAPP, he took too much time working on the chart.  The boy has a thing with numbers.  I had to pull him off the computer just to teach him how to drive a car.

In the fax describing this “Brand New Chart,” Sean and Michael asked for input.  I hope this Editorial will suffice.  You may “input” it wherever you like.

We don’t need another “Brand New Chart” based on a format that doesn’t yet exist.

You guys have way too much time on your hands.

Fireworks

7/12/1996

It was hot in Los Angeles over the 4th of July weekend.  Hot enough to spread suntan lotion over my body like warm, guava jelly (forgive me…I’ve started another novel and have the tendency to stretch those analogies waaayyy too much).  I was so far from politically correct this weekend that I would have needed the Concorde to get me back in time for work.  There were steaks on the grill…yes, Virginia, it was real meat…and beer, not white wine, in the cooler. I was wearing a baggy bathing suit for a while, but it came off so I could get “tan all over.”  I’m so fucking cool.  I know tanning isn’t the thing to do right now.  Sunlight be bad.  According to the latest scientific data, it may cause skin cancer and even kill you.  But I’ve got news for you…so will life.  If you live it…you will die.  I like to go to the tanning salon for a couple of hours early in the day to get a good base.  Then mix that zero protection lotion with some pure baby oil to really get the home fires burning.

Beside, I’ve never met a scientist I wanted to date.  Their skin is too white and they eat nothing.  They do, however, tend to have great drugs.

The weekend was perfect.  There were steaks, beer and plenty of people by the pool.  Then someone said, “Turn on the radio,” and shortly afterward, it took a turn for the worse.

This is not the first Editorial I’ve written on the shortcomings of disc jockeys.  Would that it be the last, but we know better.

I am amazed that we, as programmers, will spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on music testing, music scheduling software, computer hardware, processing and equipment to make our stations sound as good as possible.  We spend thousands of hours making clocks, writing and producing promos.  We sweat blood over music scheduling…making sure each song is perfect, the mix is the best…the blend as smooth as butter.

Then we put an idiot behind the mic and blow the whole package.

It’s like putting a monkey behind the wheel of a formula race car and entering the Indy 500.

What’s wrong with us?  Are good jocks that hard to find?  Or are we finding time to do everything else except instruct the very people in whose hands we place our future?

It’s probably a little bit of both…plus some other reasons.

It is a fact that except in a few instances (Rick Dees, Scott Shannon, Gerry House, Mason Dixon and, of course, Howard Stern, to mention just a few), disc jockeys (should we call them CD riders now?) don’t add audience to your station.  Outside of morning drive, our listeners generally tune in to hear music.  Morning, midday and evening jocks come and go without a hiccup in the trends.

However, if a good jock can’t necessarily increase your audience outside of morning drive, a bad jock can certainly drive them away.

The proof was evident this past weekend.

It is a known fact a audience loyalty is tested on weekends.  During the week, we’re creatures of habit.  We get up at the same time, go to work or school at the same time, drive home about the same time and go to bed about the same time.  Our habits seldom change.  We’re comfortable with the radio stations we’ve chosen and seldom deviate from that path.

Weekends are a different ballgame.  Weekend plans vary.  The friends we spend time with are different from those we associate with during the week.  Our lifestyles are different.  We’re apt to be exposed to different stations on weekends.

Why, then, if weekends are important in exposing our product to different listeners, do we, as programmers, often put our weakest performers in such a valuable position?  Why do we allow these weak performers liberties we wouldn’t tolerate from full-time personalities during the week?

It’s one of those great mysteries of life.

Judging by four days of listening over this past holiday weekend, programmers spend too little time explaining the basics to part-time air personalities.  And evidently, programmers let even fulltime personalities get away with sloppy formatics during weekend shifts.

Can I point out a couple of tings that are particularly irritating?

First of all, shut the fuck up!  Weekends should be about the music on the station.  I’m not interested in opinions about politics, world peace or the meaning of life.  All comments from jocks on the weekend should focus around the music (there’s a novel concept) and any promotions the station is running or sponsoring.  Nothing else.

Why do I have to hear a weak jock doing a phoner with a 12-year-old listener?  Especially with the lame question, “Hey, what are you doing today?”  Hey, asshole with the puke voice, I’m changing the station! Don’t get me wrong…occasional phoners are great, but they should be short, sweet and to the point…not conversations between a lame jock and a phone pig.  “I’m Kim from Malibu, loving the Top 500 countdown on KIIS FM,” works fine.

Can we get rid of the weather “forecast?”  There’s not a jock out there who can “forecast” the weather.  Just tell me how it’s going to be, all right?  If tomorrow is going to be like today, just say it.  A couple of degrees difference in the temps doesn’t warrant a stop-set.  And puhleeze, don’t tell me the high temperature “expected” for today when the sun’s setting.

Can we throw way the crutches? “On a great day,” “On a Saturday,” “On a Sunday,” or anything else you’re “on” is irrelevant.  I’m out there in it…and by the way, I know it’s Saturday.

Any jock in today’s time with today’s technology who steps on the vocal of a record should be caned, then canned.  Or vice-versa.

When cutting to a jock at remote, can we lose the “live from the beach” and “thank you very much.”  We assume you’re alive, even if the break would probably sound better if you were dead.  And there’s no need to thank the jock who’s doing the intro…we don’t care.

All is not lost.  Some programmers do prepare weekend talent and listen to make sure the station is tight.  Some part-time talent can make the weekend an opportunity to shine.  Lightning on KROQ Los Angeles and Tony Banks on WPLJ New Your are two that come to mind.

Can’t we work harder on our weak ends?

Take Over

6/21/1996

It wasn’t long ago that  I wrote an Editorial about the changing face of radio in today’s climate of deregulation and  corporate take-overs.  Whether or not we agree with the political and legal ramifications that these relatively “new” policies cause, the plain fact is that the reality can and probably will directly or indirectly affect you.  And, unfortunately, there is little you can do about it.  You will, however, have to face the consequences.

Welcome to the unfair world of radio in the ‘90s. 

How did all of this happen?  How did the landscape change so drastically and so quickly?

There was a time, in the not so distant past, when the Federal Communications Commission ruled the radio and television industries with an iron fist.  Radio stations weren’t really owned by any person or corporation.  Entities were granted licenses by the FCC to operate.  These licenses were for three years or less in some cases.

If you “owned” a radio station, not only were you under obligation to the FCC for the license to operate, but you also had to follow stringent guidelines set forth by this agency that virtually dictated your operations.  The FCC had specific requirements on almost every area of your operation, from how much news was broadcast, how many public service announcements were required, how much “special” programming would be granted airtime…even to the particular format you chose to broadcast.

Every three years, the licensee had to prove to the FCC that for the past three years, the station had been in total compliance with the requirements set forth at the beginning of the licensing term.  This burden of proof was so great that many companies hired people to do nothing except ensure that the stations in their group were in compliance with FCC requirements.

General Managers, Sales Managers, Public Affairs Directors and Program Directors were required (as executives of the station) to sit through meetings and sift through questionnaires about the station’s requirements and promises.  It was extremely important because every three years, any person or corporation could file against your license.

That meant that not only did you have to prove to the FCC that you were in compliance with the requirements of the license, but that you promised to do even more news and public affairs broadcasting in the future to stave off those who would file against your license.

The FCC was quite particular about who could own and operate a radio station.  Potential ownership groups were scrutinized and it was at the FCC’s sole determination as to whether qualification was merited.  The FCC took into consideration many factors, including broadcasting experience, ability and the monetary backing.  Prospective ownership groups had to prove the ability to operate a station at a loss before ownership was even considered.  Further, once a station was purchased, a group had to own the property at least three years before it could be sold.

Can you imagine?  Three years of required ownership?

Deregulation has opened the floodgates.  Ownership requirements have gone right out the window.  You basically have to prove you’re alive, although some recent acquisitions have seemed to have circumvented that requirement.

Radio stations are now bought and sold pending FCC approval and that is more of a formality than anything really official.  Wait three years? Some companies haven’t waited three hours.  What about that limit on the total number of stations any one entity can own?  That border keeps moving more than a line drawn in the sand in the middle of the Desert Storm operation.

So, what does this hold for all of us?  Will deregulation mean better things for all or is it the first warning of the coming of the Anti-Christ?

Most feel that the operation will eventually be a success, but many will die in the process.

The short-term fallout is bleak. We’re in a virtual nuclear ground zero zone and may remain there for a while.  Radio stations are being bought and sold by companies who have no interest in operating the stations for any length of time.  It’s all about profitability, cash flow and interest.

Programming integrity?

For many companies, it’s irrelevant.

The venture capitalists who purchase radio stations are interested in cutting costs and increasing sales to inflate the overall value to another venture capitalist.

So, how can this current climate possibly benefit those who work in programming and consider their efforts a labor of love?  It ain’t gonna be easy, that’s for sure.  The short-term forecast is gloomy at best and, too often, the light you believe you see at the end of the tunnel is, instead, an oncoming train.

Those PDs who are chosen by the various groups to head their efforts will benefit greatly.  The larger majority of those who are victims of “downsizing” are in serious jeopardy.  The plain truth is that in the coming months, there will be fewer programming jobs.

However, the overall effect of an open market is to reward those with long-term planning and broadcasting expertise.  The true broadcasting entities will grow and profit in the long run.  The companies funded and operated by venture capitalists who see broadcasting properties only as quick turn-arounds are in for a series of surprises.

It’s no secret that many radio stations are being purchased for prices that make the possibility of actually turning a profit after paying the interest on the loans a virtual impossibility.  The debt service these “broadcasting” companies are taking on will turn out to be insurmountable in the future.  Then the true broadcasters, who have purchased wisely and programmed accurately, will once again be in the cat-bird seat.

But, until that time, programming will be squeezed to add more spots to generate more cash.  The result is, of course, lower ratings which means a smaller cash flow.

The reality will be a shock to many and the price of radio stations drop as quickly as they rose.  In time, you and I will be able to pick up a station in the bargain basement or on QVC.

Bogalusa

5/31/1996 

For the past six years, Network 40 has attempted to be a different voice in the babble of trade magazines.  We are proud of the fact that we are a “radio-friendly” trade…the only publication that offers pertinent programming information on a weekly basis.  We constantly strive to remain on and beyond the cutting edge.

We believe our radio and record information is second to none.  And, thanks in no small part to you, our readers, Network 40 has grown into the most exciting trade publication in our industry.

A quick look through the pages of Network 40 shows the changes you have wrought.  The magazine today looks almost nothing like he magazine of six years ago. As the industry has changed, so have the pages of Network40.  And we hope that in six more years, the changes will be just as innovative.

Our covers have become the talk of the industry.  Leaders in radio and records have made the covers their own special canvases in creating new and unique looks.

Inside the front cover, Network 40’s Crunch Page gives you the only thumbnail sketch available.  On one page, you can find the top-performing records in all formats. You get an overview of the most added, most accelerated and most requested records of the week, as well as pertinent video information.  We also throw in pictures of the promotion executives who are responsible for the top records…just in case you don’t know what they look like.  Besides, with all the grief they get, weekly recognition in this “what have you done for me lately” business is something we all need to acknowledge.

Our News section puts you in touch with everything that is going on in the business.  Whether it’s the latest radio station sale, a signing or promotion, you’ll get it first in Network 40.  We weed out the news and keep you informed as no other trade magazine does.

After the news comes Page 6…the most famous page in our industry.  Is there anyone working in radio or in a record company who doesn’t turn to this page immediately?  No other publication can come close to our handle on the “rumors, half-truths and outright lies” that drives our industry.  Who’s going where…who’s thinking about going where…who’s thinking and who’s not…if it’s even possible, you’ll read about it on Page 6.  Because you asked us to tone it down, we have.  For now.

Do I really need to comment on the Editorial?  Is there anything like it in our industry?  Absolutely not.  Week after week, we tackle the tough questions facing our industry.  In a business where opinions are always made, but seldom made known, Network 40 puts it on the line every week.  Whether or not you agree or disagree with what is written, you have to agree that you get an opinion every week.  This page is influenced more by our readers than any other.  I would love to take credit for the ideas that have been expounded here, but the simple truth is, these ideas are yours.  This forum is yours.  I just happen to have the keypad.

Every week, Network 40 provides you with an in-depth interview with one of the brightest lights in our business.  From the leaders of the world’s largest record companies, to the major-market programmers, to the innovative minds that toil under lesser lights, the Network 40 interview shines on them all.

Network 40’s Hotline provides a perfect forum for programmers and record executives to discuss their ideas on the topics that dominate the particular week’s conversations.  If it’s happening in our business, you’ll read what people think about it in Hotline.

The Programmer’s Textbook is just what it says.  A text on the art of specific programming shared with the brightest programmers in the business.  Different programming aspects are dissected in-depth on these pages by the programmers who know them best.

The Station Spotlight gives our readers a quick glance at stations across the country.  From large to small, Top 40 to A/C to Crossover to Alternative, each week you’ll find a comparison.

Two new features, Speedbumps and the Penguin Page, feature MDs and local promotion people, respectively.  It gives you a look at today’s heroes and tomorrow’s stars.

On the following pages, you’ll find articles written about the music successes in all formats Network 40 is proud to point to the fact that every one of our radio editors have radio experience.  This allows them to talk about music in a way programmers understand.  If it’s on the radio, you’ll know about it when you read these columns.  You’ll also find our exclusive PPW charts in all formats.

Next is the part programmers most often like to steal.  Network 40’s exclusive Promotions page and Promo Planners are the most ripped-off in the business.  And we love it.  These pages are written specifically for programmers, MDs and jocks to make their jobs easier.  Promotions, Show Prep and Play It! Say It! are unique.  There’s nothing like them in our industry.

Next you’ll find Network 40’s exclusive Most Requested section, detailing the most requested records on radio stations across the country.  We compile this information daily, fax it to radio and records daily and print the weekly tabulations in each issue of Network 40.

Noww Playing shows you specific playlists of the most important stations in the country.

Are our Picture Pages the greatest or what?

The Spin Cycle in the back of the book gives you and in-depth analysis of record activity on radio and sales.  If you want to find out how a record is doing, check the Spin Cycle.

Of course, this is our opinion.  We could be wrong.  One of the biggest keys in our growth has been the input we’ve received from those of you in records and radio.  Network 40 has always attempted to mirror the opinions of our readers rather than dictate our beliefs.  And although we seek your input on a weekly basis in our conversations, next week we want to up the wattage.

We’re going to give you the opportunity to fill out our report card.  How do you feel about Network 40.  Do you want to make it better?

Next week, you’ll get the chance.

Bogalusa!

Foul Air

5/24/1996

I recently received a brochure via fax extolling the virtues of “Fair Air”.  I glanced at the information briefly before picking up the phone and calling Jonas Cash.  I was sure it was a spin-off on the A.I.R. competition.  I was wrong.  This new entity has no connection with A.I.R. unless you, like me, confuse the two because of the similarity of the names.

“Fair Air,” fronted by former record executive John Brodie and former programmer Jeff Wyatt, proposes a new way of doing promotion.  In meetings with various record companies and radio stations in the past few months, the two have laid out a plan to change the way we have been doing business.

In a nutshell, “Fair Air” works like this:  Programmers who agree to participate hook into the “Fair Air” computer system.  Each week there is a list of records for a programmer’s consideration.  A programmer guesses where the record will peak on the national sales chart.  Depending upon the programmer’s acumen, he/she is rewarded in a competition with other participants.  (Sound familiar?)

If the programmer chooses to listen to a particular record and fill out an electronic “questionnaire” that is e-mailed to the respective record company, the programmer will receive three dollars from the record company.

Should a programmer air one of these records, the radio station would receive between $200 and $600 from the record company for this one spin, depending on market size.  The programmer would also be obligated to e-mail the record company with all the results of the research generated from this one spin.

So what’s wrong with this picture?  In my opinion, the fish are in the trees!

First of all, it opens up a legal can of worms.  In the brochure, “Fair Air” even mentions the payola scandal that rocked our industry and vows a completely legal way of doing business.  Maybe.  But I have some questions.  If a radio station receives money for playing a record, this money must be documented in two ways:  First, the radio station must run a disclaimer stating that the record that is being played has been paid for by a specific record company.  Second, the station must internally document the plays and payments received.

If listeners hear the disclaimer, are they apt to react differently to the record that follows?  Almost assuredly.  And if a programmer is paid to play a record, when does payola begin and end?  If you are paid to play a record, when do you stop running the disclaimer?  After only one play?  It seems to me that a case could be made that payola would be in effect for every play, making the station run the disclaimer every time the record spins.  If this is not the case, what would prevent an unscrupulous record person from paying a programmer $10,000 for playing a record, but making the entire payment for only the first play it received?

The FCC is famous for not making decisions.  The FCC usually grants no permission for specific rule-bending.  The FCC generally waits until rules have been bent and public perception has been weighed before questioning a particular station about a specific act.

Is “Fair Air” within the boundaries of current FCC regulations?  Who knows?  Who wants to be the test case to find out?  Does any station want to run the risk of questions about payola when it comes time to renew its license?  Not only do you have to admit you’re taking payola, but you have to substantiate that it’s a legal proposition.  You better call Johnnie Cochran!

What about record companies?  “Fair Air” claims that this new system will level the playing field.  Who, in the record business (or radio, for that matter), wants a level playing field?  We make our living in this business on relationships and our ability to influence others depending on the strength of those relationships and the passion we bring with them.  If I, as a record person, have worked long and hard establishing a relationship with a programmer, why would I want to share my time with another record person who hasn’t spent the time or energy doing the same thing?  If I have the talent and the desire to work longer and harder to do a better job, why would I want to share my efforts with someone who happens to type faster on a computer?

As a record company, I’m supposed to pay for the “privilege” of giving every other company the same opportunity I’ve invested both time and money in achieving?  Not hardly.

And what about the programmer?  Suppose I really believe in a record and jump on it out of the box.  I expect a commitment from the record company for this early support. And I get it because the record company will bend over backwards to reward a programmer who works with them on breaking new artists.  Why should I have to share that commitment with another programmer who jumps on the bandwagon up to six weeks later?  What incentive or desire do I have to make early decisions when I get the same reward for waiting?

If I’m a good programmer, I will find ways to work with and manipulate record companies to my best interest.  Through my efforts and relationships, I can create promotions and concerts that my competitors can’t…because they aren’t as talented or don’t work as hard as I do.  If I’m a record promotion person, through my efforts and relationships, I can work with and manipulate programmers to my best interest.

I want to be judged (and paid) on my ability to do my job better than the other person.  Not because I’m a computer expert.  If that was the case, I’d be working for Apple.

“Fair Air” sounds like an idea dreamed up by a record guy that didn’t make any calls and a programmer who wouldn’t take any.  In my opinion, those who would seek to make this playing field level are those programmers and promoters who are merely adequate in their jobs, and those Sr.VPs who will take, “I couldn’t get him to respond to my e-mail” as an excuse.

In an effort to try and find another way to bleed cash from record companies, “Fair Air” uses a scare tactic to try and drum up business.

This should be called “Seeking Cash And Money.”

SCAM, for short.

I’m The Greatest

5/3/1996 

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Okay, I’ll take a shot at it.  I’ve been criticized by some of my peers because of my recent Editorials.  Many say they have been much too shallow.  I don’t know why that comes as a surprise to anyone who knows me.  Let’s face it, I am a shallow person.  As are most of my friends.  Hey, we can spot a phony with the best of them…mainly because we’re accustomed to seeing one when we look in the mirror.

In our unique business, it’s easy to become enamored with ourselves.  The depth of bullshit that runs through the deep end of the entertainment industry quickly makes hipboots obsolete.  A full-body penetration-proof condom with accompanying foam barely does the trick.

Unfortunately, it’s easy to get caught up in the shuck and jive because we’re usually the ones doing the shucking and jiving.  We’re part of a business that not only claims “You’re So Vain” as a theme song, but is proud of it.  The “…everything…all the time…” lifestyles we lead too often becomes our lives.

And therein lies the rub.

Who the fuck do we think we are?

Our often thankless (and more often, well-paid) jobs make millions for the companies under whose banners we toil.  As promotion people, we are responsible for breaking records that sell millions.  As programmers, we are responsible for operating radio stations that sell for millions.

What’s in it for us?

Some brief Tuesday afternoon glory, some brief Tuesday afternoon grief, some good trends, some bad trends and the opportunity to live like we have real money.

It’s hard not to buy into the hype.  Let’s face it, we order whatever we want at the finest restaurants the country has to offer.  We get the best tickets to the best concerts.  We get to meet the superstars (however briefly) backstage.  They pretend they like us and we pretend that we’re really important to them.  Basically, we get what we want, when we want it.

Few of us come into this business with a great deal of substance.  (I’m referring to substance as a state of life…not substance abuse.  That’s another subject for another time.)  Most of us came upon our jobs by mistake.  There are few of us who, when asked what we wanted to be in the first grade, said, “I want to be a radio programmer or a record promoter.”  The fact is, few of us knew what that was back then.  Unfortunately, many who currently hold down those jobs, still don’t know.

In the broad scope of things, what we’re doing isn’t earth-shattering.  We’re not finding cures for diseases.  Nobody is going to die if we fail.  None of us are going to discover the cure for polio. Of course, I’d like to see Jonas Salk get 60 adds out-of-the-box on that mid-charter we have to sell to radio! Jonas wasn’t up against that Tuesday deadline, either.  He had as long as it took.  We’ve got until the next book…and if the trends suck, we might not make it  that long!

Mostly through our love of music, we were drawn into the jobs we now hold.  I got into radio because I wanted to produce records.  Others have tales just as twisted.  If there is a tie that binds us together, it could probably be identified as the love of music that originally got us into this business.  Isn’t it funny how too often it isn’t about a love of music anymore, but our love of the music business?  Or more aptly, our love for our position in the music business.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends and neighbors, you must know one thing: It ain’t who we are, but what we do that makes the moths fly around our flame.

Are we getting a little too cocky out there?

Probably.

There are radio programmers who actually believe they will keep their jobs forever.  And what’s harder to believe is that there are some programmers who actually believe the bullshit they’re being told by record company executives.  Programmers are quick to call “bullshit” when a record promoter is raving about the latest release.  Yet these same programmers believe the strokes and ego-boosting comments from the same promoters.  I guess it’s an absolute fact in our business that if a record executive is talking about the record, it’s bullshit.  But when the promoter is complementing the programmer, it’s the truth. 

Of course!  How could it be any different?

It’s not only the programmer who is buying into this stale loaf of bread.  There are record company executives who fall into the same trap.

And who can blame them?  Promoters are so busy hawking their product that it’s only natural that they begin to believe the same about themselves.

“My record’s the greatest, you’re the greatest, I’m the greatest.”

Right.

We’re all told not to believe our own bullshit.  But when we’re good at it, it’s hard not to be caught up in the hype. Especially since we’re the ones who are responsible.

We carry company credit cards that give us the ability to live in luxury.  We do what 99% of Americans only dream about doing.  And we do it because it’s our job, not because we’re special.  Someone was doing the job before you got there.  They may not have been doing it as good as you, but guess what? They thought they were.  Is it possible that you’re guilty of thinking you’re better than you are?

Let’s not forget that we’re all expendable.  When you leave, someone else will be doing your job.  You might not think they’ll do as good a job as you thought you were doing, but maybe it’s that mentality that make the transition a reality to begin with.

I don’t know what the point of this Editorial is other than for us to take a longer look at the broader picture that brought us to where we are today.  It was the love of music that struck the common chord in the beginning.  How often do you spend listening to music today?

Maybe we should spend a little time on the weekend away from our weekday job.  Maybe we should hang out with people who have no idea what we do.  Maybe we shouldn’t tell them.  Maybe we should begin to question our motives.  Maybe we should stop believing our own bullshit.

Then again, maybe not.

Poe’s Last Hurrah

4/28/1996

It was the night before the last Poe and all through the lobby, all the creatures were stirring and waiting for Bobby.

The suits and tuxedos were all hung with care, for the final finale and who would be there.

The golf match began under dark clouds and rain, but more water would be needed to put out the flames.

In a move quite befitting of Poe’s funeral pyre, some local street urchins set the 12th green on fire. 

That’s what the police thought, who said there and then, but one of the pyros looked a lot like Michael Plen.

When the sun finally set and the heat had abated, we met at the bar to see who was out-dated.

The Poe group has never been known for their clothing, but some of these outfits brought out fear and loathing.

Oh, drinks were consumed and fire alarms rung, but most were just pacing for what was to come.

The second day’s panels were as boring as ever, the hottest topic was forecasting the weather.

A bunch boarded buses where the talk was quite muted, it reminded us all of last year’s Camp Hootie.

The White House was warned of terrorist infiltration, but most were jailed just for a night of detention.

We were escorted through by a man with a gun, but bullets and bombs couldn’t keep us from fun.

Andrea played press sec. from the President’s pew, but instead of questions, it was fruit that we threw.

We saw Nixon’s picture and Truman’s victrola, but the highlight was Clinton’s autographed copy of “PAYOLA!”

We witnessed the wall, of Abe and the steeple, but the hours were dwindling and so were the people.

Dale took off his clothes and jumped in the pond, the crowd shouted in unison, “Put ‘em on, put ‘em on.”

Let’s not forget Lisa, who fell on her head, in the hedges she mistakenly took for her bed.

The boa came calling again right on cue, but this time was witnessed by only a few.

Which two were the drunkest?  Well, that story goes to MTV’s favorite and the girl with nice toes.

Some lightweights left early, they couldn’t take the abuse, but Burt was the one with the lamest excuse.

Gary Bird’s was the best…a noble invention.  He took a group to Cleveland to plan next year’s convention.

It wouldn’t be long until the final toast, but many were wondering if we would get through the roast.

Mason Dixon was the first one who started to dish and we all were surprised that he did it sans fish.

Dan Vallie’s soft voice barely cut through the dinner, but his speech, like his stations, was definitely a winner.

Daniel Glass hadn’t missed one since who-knows-who-had, he spoke only good things and left out the bad.

Ms. Ganis was classy, thoughtful and nice; it was the first time she had made it through Saturday night.

Richard Palmese stunned the crowd without using money, he was the first of the roasters who actually was funny!

Jay Stevens is awesome at WPGC, but it isn’t the slides the makes a PD.

His speech was the shortest, as all will attest, and many (because of this) thought Jonas was best.

The question was “Does Jimmy shit in the woods?”  We all knew the old bear would if he would.

Davenport stole the show with all his tales, of wild sex and whiskey and checks in the mail.

He was crowned king by a loud voice vote, because Jimmy was the only one who mentioned the goat.

Fiedel, the preacher, gave all our just dues, we were surprised that he did it with shoes.

Novia was shaky, but he could have been robbed…he spent all his practice time pitching for jobs.

I’d mention the other who used slides with precision, but I’m not allowed to without his permission.

McCartney was accused of spinning a fable, especially when he mumbled nice things about Cagle.

We all learned a new word when you fall on your fanny, when everything goes wrong it’s called a Galliani.

Dave Sholin played guinea pig alone on the log, he quoted from B.G. and died like a dog.

I was the last one to bang on the gong, I swear I’ve had jobs that never lasted so long.

I now have the last word to leave on the list.  We all love you, Poe Kat…you will missed.

Ramblings

4/5/1996

For those of you who bit hook, line and sinker on our April Fool’s cover and article about the Network 40 convention in 1997, don’t feel like you’re all alone.  Most of the radio and record community fell for it with you…no matter what they say now.

Suffice it to say that the Network 40 convention outlined in last week’s publication was an April Fool’s joke…in so far as the specific events and dates are concerned.  However, since we got your attention, it’s time to tell you that Network 40 will be scheduling a convention in 1997.  The truth is, we have been working on a convention for the past two years and 1997 will see the culmination of those efforts.

It is too early to excite you with the specifics, but Network 40 will be hosting a convention in 1997.  Not joke.  I promise.  Really. I swear.

One of the most exciting elements of Network 40’s 1997 convention is the pre-convention get together this year.  The Network 40 Summer Games (scheduled for later in the summer) will be announced in the next couple of weeks.  It will be a small, select gathering held in a special place with a great atmosphere.

Keep reading Network 40 to find out the exact dates.  You won’t want to miss it.

On another note, for all of you who read last week’s Editorial on golf and called to complain that I had written about you…relax.  I wouldn’t continue playing with you if you were as bad as those I wrote about.  It was kind of funny.  I wrote the article before I played with Scott Shannon last week.  While we were playing, I even told him that he would like the Editorial.  But he was quick to complain afterwards that I had written the article about him.

And he wasn’t the only one.  My phone was ringing off the hook.  Todd Cavanaugh told me he had taken a bunch of lessons and was really a lot better than the last time we played.  Craig Lambert called from a plane to say how glad he was that I had written about “other” people.  He was sure he wasn’t guilty of any of the things I had described.  (Read it again, bud.)

Burt Baumgartner has ridden in enough carts with me to know what I was talking about.  I got calls from Greg Thompson, Bill Richards, Joe Riccitelli, Bruce St. James, David Leach, Kevin Weatherly and Justin Fontaine. 

Rich Fitzgerald said he hadn’t read the article.  He was too busy telling everyone about his last round of golf and the different shots he hit.

Les Garland and Bill Pfordresher knew exactly what I was talking about.

The most interesting call was from Andrea Ganis and Danny Buch.  Neither plays golf.  After reading my article, both have vowed if they ever did take up the game, they certainly would not to play with me because I am such a snob.  They missed the point, but I guess the article worked.  I’ve kept at least two people from gobbling up future tee times!

I must admit, however, that the Editorial would have been much more biting (and certainly a lot funnier) if Network 40 publisher Gary Bird hadn’t gotten involved.  In my years here at Network 40, through all the brutal, condemning and sometimes borderline bad-taste Editorials I have written, Gary Bird has never changed one word.  Until last week.  Using a red pen so much that the page looked bloody, Gary managed to excise many of the “funnier” stories that could be attributed directly to him.  I only got that, “Gimmie a six,” comment in just before we went to press.

I will point out one positive among the many that come to mind when members of our industry get together for a round of golf.  There are no industry egos on the golf course.  If you’re two down on a press going into the 18th hole, we don’t give a damn how many records you added last week, you better hit that four iron into the wind, across the water, over the sand trap and stiff to the pin.

And in answer to the criticism I’m sure to hear next week, I know the majority of you don’t care about golf.  I’ll put it in the “rest” category for a while.

On still another note, is it just me or are things a little ugly in the real world right now?  Tension seems to be higher, tempers are quicker to flash and egos are reaching the boiling point at the drop of a hat.  It’s got to be the weather.  It has been a nasty winter for the majority of the country.  Hell, even in Los Angeles we’ve had the thermometer dip into the 60s a time or two and and it’s rained four times since January 1st.  I’ve got to tell you, we’ve really had it rough!

And just when you think it’s time for the weather to break and spring to be here, another cold front blows in, bringing a bite to the air and even snow in some parts.  What’s going on?

As leaders (and I use that term loosely) of our industry, it’s important for us to keep these outside forces in mind when dealing with those in the workplace.  The end of winter brings out the worst in all of us.  We’re all on point, waiting for the sun to begin shining every day and wondering what’s taking it so long.  We’re tired of our winter clothes…especially the overcoats.  We’ve been inside too long and most of us don’t take vacations during the winter months…we wait for summer.  This can cause all of us to get more than a little bit stir crazy.

Give your co-workers a break.  Maybe it’s time for a company picnic or some kind of outing.  We’ve been yelling at each other in these confined spaces for the past few months and a little lightening up might do us all good.

Our industry is quick to criticize when things go wrong and rather reluctant to praise when things go right.  Now might be the perfect time to take a deep breath, push back for a second and positively acknowledge those around you for a winter’s work well done.

That goes double for those on the other side of the fence.  Whether it is golf, tennis, pool or whatever, it’s important that we all spend more time together outside the office environment.  The stress of our jobs makes it difficult for us to see the forest for the tress…and those trees are really important.  Getting to know your peers in a neutral environment can give you insights that will help you do your job better…and, who knows, you might find a real person out there.

Then again, we don’t care what kind of a person you are as long as you can hit that four iron into the wind, across the…

Fore!

3/29/1996 

I am a little pissed off today.  (Wow, now there’s a news flash!)  More than a little pissed off, actually.  As my good friend Sammy Alfano, would say, “Bud, I’m gettin’ hot!”

There are too many people playing golf.  And it’s making it difficult for the rest of us who are serious about the game.

This thing is out of control.  Finding a tee time in Los Angeles is about as difficult as getting a murder conviction.  It happens, but not often enough.  It got so bad that I had to join a country club.  Now I don’t have anything against country clubs as a whole, but it just doesn’t seem right to me to pay thousand of dollars as an initiation fee just for the privilege of paying an additional $300 a month that allows me to pay another $10 to play around of golf.  That’s unless I bring a guest.  Then you can tack on another $100 bill.  Of course, I share the same feelings as Groucho Marx.  I’m not sure I want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.

Over the past few years, golf has become such an “in” thing that everyone is teeing it up.  Or trying to.  And this is pissing me off.

I couldn’t get a tee time at my own club last Wednesday.  I had to fly to Phoenix to play with Scott Shannon.  And after flying to Arizona, renting a car and paying the green fees, it was still cheaper than if I had tried to play in Los Angeles.

Millions are playing golf.  What’s wrong with these people?  Don’t they have jobs?

It wasn’t long ago that Steve Smith (publisher of The Network Group) and a few of his friends started the T.J. Martell Golf Tournament.  I think the first outing had only three groups.  Now, hundreds line up for a tournament that has to designate two different shotgun starts to accommodate everyone.

Damn you people!  What happened to bowling? Or tennis?

Don’t get me wrong.  I have nothing against people in our business who play golf seriously.  There’s nothing more pleasurable than an enjoyable round with your peers.  Golf with a group who enjoys and knows the game is wonderful.  But it’s you once-in-a-blue-moon hobbyists who really shank my drive.

Look, if you must play, there are certain things you must know before making a complete fool out of yourself and pissing off the rest of us.

If you’re going to play the game, observe the following suggestions:

Take some lessons:  If you’re going to play the game, damn it, learn how.  If you don’t know how, don’t cause the rest of us pain with your presence.  I’m not saying you’ve got to shoot par, but if all you can do is roll the ball off the tee, don’t come to the golf course.  You won’t have fun and you’ll make the rest of us miserable.  A few lessons and a few more trips to the driving range will make you and the rest of us much happier in the long run.

Keep up with the pace:  Nobody can master the game of golf.  It humbles all of us.  If you can’t play well or you’re having a bad day, that’s understandable.  But keep your partners in mind.  If you hit a few bad shots on a hole, pick up the flipping ball.  Move ahead to the rest of the group and try again.  If you still screw up, take your ball and drop it on the green.  Don’t make everyone wait while you goof around.  You’ll bring your lousy attitude to the rest of the foursome.

Take your time:  This may sound in conflict with the previous suggestion, but it isn’t.  You should play your game consistently and promptly so as not to hold up the group, but you must realize that golf takes time.  A round will last between four and five hours.  Don’t try and rush to finish so you can return for a meeting.  If you’re going to play, take the afternoon off.  Relax and enjoy it.

Do not bullshit when it’s your time to hit:  You have more than enough time during a round to talk to your partners about everything.  Do this when you’re in the cart or walking up the fairway.  Don’t tell a story on the tee when everyone is waiting.  Shut up and hit it.

Do not bore the group with a glowing rendition of your last shot:  Nobody cares.  We’re all concentrating on our next shot.  Don’t expound upon the virtues of a shot that was “pin high” when it was also 50 yards left of the green.

Don’t give tips to others unless you’re asked:  Nothing is worse than someone who doesn’t know the game to be giving advice to another novice.  Shut up.  Or better yet, both of you go take a lesson.

Lean how to count:  If you’re going to play the game seriously, keep score.  If not, don’t count.  But if you do count, be accurate.  The other members of your group know how many times you swung…particularly if there’s money on the line.  I’ve often impressed newcomers by recounting every stroke of every member of a foursome after the game was over.  I learned to play with thieves in the South.  My father taught me to count everyone’s strokes before he let me touch a club.  All serious players do the same.  Don’t claim a score and have to be corrected.  It’s embarrassing to everyone.  Plus, we’ll think you’re a cheat when you may have made an honest mistake.  Count them all or don’t count at all.  This is not to be confused with the famous Gary Bird line, “Just gimmie a six.”  If you’re out of the hole and want to slide by without ruining your entire game, that statement is okay.  You’re telling everyone you screwed up, but you’re not trying to screw them out of anything.

On the green, don’t walk in someone else’s line or putt out of turn:  It just proves what we knew already, that you’re a selfish son-of-a-bitch who cares about nothing except yourself.  Mark your ball, stand to the side and wait your turn.  And shut up.  If your advice is needed, we’ll ask.

Don’t get angry, yell or throw a club when you hit a bad shot:  We don’t care.  Learn how to play the frigging game and you’ll be happier.

No plaid pants:  This is self-explanatory.

These are just a few of the things all of us who play the game would like the rest of you to observe.  And when you read this, don’t think it doesn’t apply to you.  If you’re an idiot who insists on being a fool on the golf course, playing like a buffoon and ruining the game for the rest of us, please don’t be fooled by our outwardly patient smiles.

We talk about you behind your back.

Research This

3/8/1996

It’s not testing well.

There is possibly no other sentence in the world that can spin a promotion person into an instant funk so quickly.

It’s not testing well?  Why don’t you just shoot me in the head and get it over with quickly?

If you are a promotion person who is told by a PD that the song you’re currently working isn’t testing well, there are several options you have at your disposal to save the situation.  First, and most important, you must consider the source.

Every programmer who uses research makes a final determination based on different sets of facts.  You must do some research so you can make a good argument.

Record research is, for the most part, objective in nature; results are subjective, depending on the whos, whys and hows involved.

It is mandatory that you determine what criteria are used by the programmer who is giving your record a bad report card.

If a programmer spouts research, take the time to go to school…with the programmers as your teacher. Many will gladly spend the time to explain their methodology to you.  Most are proud of their specific kind of research, the implementations and conclusions. Ask questions.  Seek answers.  Hope for illumination.

Find out what kind of research is being conducted.  Does the programmer rely on an outside company to conduct the research?  If so, what company?  Are the respondents local or does the company do national research and provide the data to the radio station? This is particularly important because if the programmer is using a national average, your record could be doing better (or worse) locally.  If the programmer is using a national compilation and you really believe that particular radio station is important, test it yourself locally and use the results to plead your case (id those results are positive).  There are several companies that do research for individual markets.  It is a mystery why more record companies don’t utilize these services to combat negative research for stations that depend on the same.

Are the respondent screened in any way?  This is critical.  What demos and sex are being targeted?  Record that test well in some demos can show the opposite results in others.  Find out the specifics of why your record is performing poorly so you can study to show another result.  If respondents are national, you have an argument.  If respondents aren’t screened for the specific station, you have an argument.  If respondents aren’t screened for the station’s core audience, you have an argument.  And isn’t that what a good promotion person is looking for?  Something to argue?  Once you have some sort of foothold…some stance you can argue for…then it’s up to you to win the argument.

If a programmer does local, in-house research that is screened for the station’s core listeners and your record scores poorly…what then?  Ask if you can see…or at least be told…the total research breakout of the record in question.  Why is it showing negatives and what negatives is it showing?  If it tests poorly because it is unfamiliar, you have an argument.  The programmer should play it more before making a decision to drop it.  Maybe the record tests poorly only because of the unfamiliarity.  Try and get the rotation increased.  If the research shows that the audience just isn’t responding to the record, provide research from other markets that show the opposite.  If the record is testing with a high degree of burn, ask about requests.  Records that haven’t been played a lot, but show some degree of burn, are usually reactive records.  A lot of people may be burned, but more may be requesting the record.  If that’s the case, you’ve got an argument.

Know your poison.  If you’ve dealing with a programmer who treats research like the Holy Grail, you must make your argument using familiar tools.  Make your pitch armed to the teeth in your won research.  After you’ve taken the time to have the programmer explain research to you, come back with a bag full of the same type of research.  Sure, it might be from a different market or a different core, but at least it will give you something on which to base your case.  But if you’re trying to convince a died-in-the-wool research hound that your record should be added, you can’t make that pitch based on the flimsy argument that, “…it’s doing really well on WXXX.”  Provide specific research that will convince the programmer you’ve done your homework.  If nothing else, the programmer will appreciate your understanding and attempt to deal with an add based on familiar logic.

Also understand that some programmers use research as an excuse when they don’t really believe in a record.  Many are reluctant to say they just don’t like a record, because it opens up an argument that isn’t based on facts the programmer can control.  It’s easier to say that a record isn’t testing well…most promotion people don’t know how to respond to that argument.

You must also be consistent.  If you’re going to hang your hat on research, you must live and die by the sword.  Don’t try to use research to convince a programmer, then have the research go upside down and have to fall back on another excuse.  Find out how to attack each programmer specifically and be consistent in that approach.  Programmers look for inconsistency in promotion people and once they find it, the promotion person’s credibility is dead.

When I became PD of KFRC San Francisco, I made a point of stating that I didn’t use research to determine what records I added.  I either liked a record and added it…or didn’t like a record and didn’t add it.  One particular promotion person praised me for this trait.  He said he was tired of people who relied too heavily on research.  He was happy I was programming KFRC…until I didn’t add his record because I didn’t like it.  What did he do the next week?  Provided me with research to prove I was wrong.

It didn’t work then and it won’t work today.  Provide the programmers with specific information they trust in making their decisions.  If that doesn’t work?  Fly a few winners to Hawaii…with the PD, of course.

It’s amazing how much better a record tests in Maui.