ER

2/7/1997

Hold everything.  Stop all the presses.  Notify the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and whoever else might be interested…the Pope and all other religious leaders…the United Nations…et cetera…et cetera…etc.

Had I thought about it, I never would have believed it would take this long.  Of course, since I never thought about it, I didn’t really know how long it was taking, so that whole point is moot.

I feel so humble.  I know many and far better men than I have spent countless fortunes and lifetimes in their futile search.  Why I was chosen to be imparted with this special wisdom, I don’t know.  There can be no denying the fact that I am now The Chosen One…and the rest of my life must reflect that fact.

I wear the mantle modestly.  Where before I was egotistical and verbose, I now cover my shoulders with a cloak of humility.

“Why me?”  I ask myself.

“Why him?”  Everyone else asks.

Why ask? The bottom line is that I found the answer to the eternal question…the answer no one else could find.  It was revealed to me in the most special way.  It is strange that the search for the true meaning of life has ended in the office of the Executive VP/GM of Network 40.  I found the Holy Grail when I didn’t even know I was searching for it.

Go figure.

How, you might ask, did this come to be?

I was on the phone with a certain Sr. VP of Promotion and we were discussing the offer he just received from another company when the meaning of life became crystal clear to me.  I shared it with him and he agreed.

I would tell you his name, but then I might have to share the spotlight with him.  I shared the secret; that’s enough.  I have only so much humility.  I must take full credit. I mean, it’s only fair.  He was the first to learn after me.  That should be enough for him

Did I tell you how this discovery has changed my life?  I’ll get to that.  But it occurs to me that many of you reading this column don’t believe I’ve really found the secret to the meaning of life.  Right now you think that I’m just meandering to fill space so I won’t have to write about something relevant.

Who can really blame you?  Why should you think that I have discovered the meaning of life?  Am I so special?  There are certainly many more who are more worthy than I.  Nevertheless, the fact is:  I have been chosen.

Or in 1990 parlance, “I the man!”

My life is forever changed.  You’re reading this column now…soon, you’ll pass bookstores that feature thousands of books that I will write on the subject.  I will become a household name.  My words will be studied by millions.  I will become known far and wide as the wisest person on the face of the earth.  Kings and presidents will seek my counsel.  Children will speak my name with reverence.

And if I’m really lucky, I’ll be on Oprah!

What?  You want me to share the meaning of life with you?  You want me to reveal the secret of the universe to a group of lowly communicators and promoters?  Why should you be worthy of such a noble gesture on my part?

You’ll give me a VCR, a track date and send my winners to Hawaii?

Done!

The answer to the search for the true meaning of life?  The secret of the universe?  It’s simple.  It’s…

er.

No, I’m not referring to the NBC hi t series, E.R. I’m talking about er.  Lower case.  Pronounced together.  Individually, the letters don’t stand for anything else.  Just er.

You’re not getting this, are you?

See, when I was speaking with the Sr. VP of Promotion, he told me about another company that was interested in his services.  He told them he was happy where he was.

That’s when it hit me…er.

I said, “You’re happy, but you could always be happier.”

Get it?  Happy-er.

And that, my friends, is the secret of life.  Think about it…er is what drives us…er makes us tick…er is why we do the things we do.

I’m happy.  But does that make me stop seeking out people, places and tings that could increase that sensation?  Of course not.  I want to be happier!

I make a lot of money.  Most Americans would say I’m rich.  But do I put my feet up on the desk and stop working?  Nope.  Why? er.  I want to be richer.

You’ve got the haircut…the shades…the car…the lifestyle…the look.  You are cool.  Do you stop?  Do you back away from that cutting edge because you are cool and you know it?  No sir. er.  You want to be…you need to be…you have to be…cooler.

You’re getting now, aren’t you?  I feel that you are.  Because before you were reading fast.  Now you’re reading faster.

Once you understand that er drives you…that er is the meaning of life…then you can harness er and reach your full potential.

Hey, you’re pretty.  But you’re going to try that new skin lotion, aren’t you?  Because you want to be prettier.

You are smart, right?  But you’re still going to listen when others speak…you’re going to a seminar or two…you’ll be at the panel discussions at conventions…because you want to get smarter.

So the next time someone asks you what you want, tell that person.  “er.”  And as soon as you master er, you can move on to est.

As much as it hurt you to admit I’m right…you know I am.  Come on.  Say it.  SAY IT!

Gerry was great…now he’s greater…soon he’ll be the greatest.

I CAN’T HEAR YOU!