I Am…I Said

9/6/1996 

I am I said…to no one there…and no one heard at all…not even the chair.

The key phrase in that sentence being, of course, “no one heard.”

I had the most interesting Labor Day weekend.  Unfortunately, I had to spend it with a bunch of industry hypes…I mean types…so there wasn’t a lot of joy in my house.  Then again, they had to spend the time with me, so maybe they’re feeling a little “off-balance” also.

Our business, or more appropriately, the people in our business make it hysterical.  I guess it is the business that makes us all a little odd, but at the same time, it’s hard not to laugh out loud at some of the people, places and things we wind up witnessing…or doing ourselves.

One of the absolute best parts of our idiocrasy is trying to explain a new group.  I don’t mean a group we can hear on the radio, I mean a group who hasn’t yet put out a record.  First of all, trying to explain music in pedestrian terms is difficult enough under the best of circumstances.  But at least, if the record is out, you can describe a guitar solo or quote some of the lyrics.  If the group hasn’t cut a record yet, the descriptions are a bitch.

“Wait until you hear this new group I signed, Cagle, it’s a Guns ‘N’ Roses meets Aerosmith with a Bobby Brown flavor.”

“She’s a cross between Whitney Houston and Aretha Franklin with the attitude of Grace Jones.  All this…and she’s white.”

“She’s a Black Mariah Carey/Melissa Etheridge/Alanis Morissette with a New Kids On The Block teen appeal.”

I can’t wait to hear all of them.

The real interest of this past, or any other weekend, is playing the “I” game.  It’s the latest craze that’s sweeping the fad capitol of the world and it’s open to people of all ages.  It’s not difficult to play.  It’s quite simple, really.  What you do is count the number of times a person you’re with says “I.”

What’s so difficult about that, you ask?  You aren’t allowed to use a calculator.

Oh, my God!

Also, to make the game more interesting, it must be divided into segments.  These segments are up to you.  There are no real hard and fast rules.  (Milton-Bradley has yet to put out the board version.)  You make it up as you go along.  I prefer to count separately during drinks, salad, entrée and desert.  If you don’t break it up, you’ll hopelessly lose count.

The best way to play the game is to get partners and make bets.  You and someone else can choose a particular person before the rest of the group arrives.  Maybe you take Ted and your opponent takes Alice.  Then, you wager as to who will refer most to themselves during the different courses of dinner.

If you choose this game, you must decide early as to whether of not you can “lead” your “horse” into making comments in the first person.  Questions like “What did you do over the weekend” or “Who did you meet with today” may be allowed or not, depending on the game.

Usually, arguing over whether or not to allow leading questions is a moot point, especially if you’re dining with a programmer.  (Okay, it was a cheap shot…but accurate.  Many record people are just as bad.)

Why is it that we feel it is important to make ourselves important in this business?  Is it possible to spend time with one’s peers and actually learn something…rather than say something?  Is it possible that someone else has something more important to offer than you?  Is it possible to spend one evening listening rather than trying to engage the whole table with your “inside” knowledge?

Too often at gatherings in our business, only one opinion matters…that being the one of the speaker.  Nowhere else have I met so many people who know exactly everything there is to know about every subject in the universe.

I’ve got a news flash for you:  As a whole, we aren’t the smartest group around.  Loudest, maybe.  Smartest?  I don’t think so.  Here’s just a small sample of this past weekend.

Politics? “Dole doesn’t have a chance.  It’s because people won’t vote for someone that old and who has spent his entire career in the House of Representatives.”

Iraq’s raid on the Kurds? “Of course we had to fire missiles.  What we really ought to do is send the bombers to take out the Ayatollah.”

On sports?  “I knew the Red Sox were going to make a comeback.  I told everybody that.  And everybody knew the Cowboys were going to be terrible.  I know I bet on them, but I really didn’t think they were going to win.”

On the #1 record? “I knew that record was a hit the first time I heard it.”

On a record that isn’t making it? “I knew that record was a stiff the first time I heard it.”

You don’t have to have an absolute opinion on every subject.  Those of you who are stupid enough to dominate every conversation should know we don’t think you’re smart…we think you’re boring.

The next time you have the occasion to be with several people over lunch or dinner, why don’t you stun everyone and keep quiet? Here’s a new term for you: Listen.  Look it up in the dictionary.  You’ll find it helpful.

Here’s another hint: Ask the others around you questions.  I know, it does seem strange that someone as smart as you might dare to show there is something you don’t know by asking a question, but try it anyhow.  You might learn something with the answer.  And better yet, you might learn something about the person who is giving you the answer.  You might be surprised.  They will certainly be surprised that you asked.

Can we make a vow for next week?  Let’s promise that at one lunch or dinner, we won’t offer an opinion.  We’ll only listen. We may ask questions, but not disagree.  Instead of giving, can we gather information?

If nothing else, we can all play the game. And I’ll post the results in a future Editorial.  Who can set the record for counting the most times someone else uses “I” at a dinner?

And just in case you were keeping score, I used “I” 29 times in this Editorial.

I’m so ashamed.

Oops.  That’s 30.