Fireworks

7/12/1996

It was hot in Los Angeles over the 4^th of July weekend.  Hot enough to spread suntan lotion over my body like warm, guava jelly (forgive me…I’ve started another novel and have the tendency to stretch those analogies waaayyy too much).  I was so far from politically correct this weekend that I would have needed the Concorde to get me back in time for work.  There were steaks on the grill…yes, Virginia, it was real meat…and beer, not white wine, in the cooler. I was wearing a baggy bathing suit for a while, but it came off so I could get “tan all over.”  I’m so fucking cool.  I know tanning isn’t the thing to do right now.  Sunlight be bad.  According to the latest scientific data, it may cause skin cancer and even kill you.  But I’ve got news for you…so will life.  If you live it…you will die.  I like to go to the tanning salon for a couple of hours early in the day to get a good base.  Then mix that zero protection lotion with some pure baby oil to really get the home fires burning.

Beside, I’ve never met a scientist I wanted to date.  Their skin is too white and they eat nothing.  They do, however, tend to have great drugs.

The weekend was perfect.  There were steaks, beer and plenty of people by the pool.  Then someone said, “Turn on the radio,” and shortly afterward, it took a turn for the worse.

This is not the first Editorial I’ve written on the shortcomings of disc jockeys.  Would that it be the last, but we know better.

I am amazed that we, as programmers, will spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on music testing, music scheduling software, computer hardware, processing and equipment to make our stations sound as good as possible.  We spend thousands of hours making clocks, writing and producing promos.  We sweat blood over music scheduling…making sure each song is perfect, the mix is the best…the blend as smooth as butter.

Then we put an idiot behind the mic and blow the whole package.

It’s like putting a monkey behind the wheel of a formula race car and entering the Indy 500.

What’s wrong with us?  Are good jocks that hard to find?  Or are we finding time to do everything else except instruct the very people in whose hands we place our future?

It’s probably a little bit of both…plus some other reasons.

It is a fact that except in a few instances (Rick Dees, Scott Shannon, Gerry House, Mason Dixon and, of course, Howard Stern, to mention just a few), disc jockeys (should we call them CD riders now?) don’t add audience to your station.  Outside of morning drive, our listeners generally tune in to hear music.  Morning, midday and evening jocks come and go without a hiccup in the trends.

However, if a good jock can’t necessarily increase your audience outside of morning drive, a bad jock can certainly drive them away.

The proof was evident this past weekend.

It is a known fact a audience loyalty is tested on weekends.  During the week, we’re creatures of habit.  We get up at the same time, go to work or school at the same time, drive home about the same time and go to bed about the same time.  Our habits seldom change.  We’re comfortable with the radio stations we’ve chosen and seldom deviate from that path.

Weekends are a different ballgame.  Weekend plans vary.  The friends we spend time with are different from those we associate with during the week.  Our lifestyles are different.  We’re apt to be exposed to different stations on weekends.

Why, then, if weekends are important in exposing our product to different listeners, do we, as programmers, often put our weakest performers in such a valuable position?  Why do we allow these weak performers liberties we wouldn’t tolerate from full-time personalities during the week?

It’s one of those great mysteries of life.

Judging by four days of listening over this past holiday weekend, programmers spend too little time explaining the basics to part-time air personalities.  And evidently, programmers let even fulltime personalities get away with sloppy formatics during weekend shifts.

Can I point out a couple of tings that are particularly irritating?

First of all, shut the fuck up!  Weekends should be about the music on the station.  I’m not interested in opinions about politics, world peace or the meaning of life.  All comments from jocks on the weekend should focus around the music (there’s a novel concept) and any promotions the station is running or sponsoring.  Nothing else.

Why do I have to hear a weak jock doing a phoner with a 12-year-old listener?  Especially with the lame question, “Hey, what are you doing today?”  Hey, asshole with the puke voice, I’m changing the station! Don’t get me wrong…occasional phoners are great, but they should be short, sweet and to the point…not conversations between a lame jock and a phone pig.  “I’m Kim from Malibu, loving the Top 500 countdown on KIIS FM,” works fine.

Can we get rid of the weather “forecast?”  There’s not a jock out there who can “forecast” the weather.  Just tell me how it’s going to be, all right?  If tomorrow is going to be like today, just say it.  A couple of degrees difference in the temps doesn’t warrant a stop-set.  And puhleeze, don’t tell me the high temperature “expected” for today when the sun’s setting.

Can we throw way the crutches? “On a great day,” “On a Saturday,” “On a Sunday,” or anything else you’re “on” is irrelevant.  I’m out there in it…and by the way, I know it’s Saturday.

Any jock in today’s time with today’s technology who steps on the vocal of a record should be caned, then canned.  Or vice-versa.

When cutting to a jock at remote, can we lose the “live from the beach” and “thank you very much.”  We assume you’re alive, even if the break would probably sound better if you were dead.  And there’s no need to thank the jock who’s doing the intro…we don’t care.

All is not lost.  Some programmers do prepare weekend talent and listen to make sure the station is tight.  Some part-time talent can make the weekend an opportunity to shine.  Lightning on KROQ Los Angeles and Tony Banks on WPLJ New Your are two that come to mind.

Can’t we work harder on our weak ends?