Fore!

3/29/1996 

I am a little pissed off today.  (Wow, now there’s a news flash!)  More than a little pissed off, actually.  As my good friend Sammy Alfano, would say, “Bud, I’m gettin’ hot!”

There are too many people playing golf.  And it’s making it difficult for the rest of us who are serious about the game.

This thing is out of control.  Finding a tee time in Los Angeles is about as difficult as getting a murder conviction.  It happens, but not often enough.  It got so bad that I had to join a country club.  Now I don’t have anything against country clubs as a whole, but it just doesn’t seem right to me to pay thousand of dollars as an initiation fee just for the privilege of paying an additional $300 a month that allows me to pay another $10 to play around of golf.  That’s unless I bring a guest.  Then you can tack on another $100 bill.  Of course, I share the same feelings as Groucho Marx.  I’m not sure I want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.

Over the past few years, golf has become such an “in” thing that everyone is teeing it up.  Or trying to.  And this is pissing me off.

I couldn’t get a tee time at my own club last Wednesday.  I had to fly to Phoenix to play with Scott Shannon.  And after flying to Arizona, renting a car and paying the green fees, it was still cheaper than if I had tried to play in Los Angeles.

Millions are playing golf.  What’s wrong with these people?  Don’t they have jobs?

It wasn’t long ago that Steve Smith (publisher of The Network Group) and a few of his friends started the T.J. Martell Golf Tournament.  I think the first outing had only three groups.  Now, hundreds line up for a tournament that has to designate two different shotgun starts to accommodate everyone.

Damn you people!  What happened to bowling? Or tennis?

Don’t get me wrong.  I have nothing against people in our business who play golf seriously.  There’s nothing more pleasurable than an enjoyable round with your peers.  Golf with a group who enjoys and knows the game is wonderful.  But it’s you once-in-a-blue-moon hobbyists who really shank my drive.

Look, if you must play, there are certain things you must know before making a complete fool out of yourself and pissing off the rest of us.

If you’re going to play the game, observe the following suggestions:

Take some lessons:  If you’re going to play the game, damn it, learn how.  If you don’t know how, don’t cause the rest of us pain with your presence.  I’m not saying you’ve got to shoot par, but if all you can do is roll the ball off the tee, don’t come to the golf course.  You won’t have fun and you’ll make the rest of us miserable.  A few lessons and a few more trips to the driving range will make you and the rest of us much happier in the long run.

Keep up with the pace:  Nobody can master the game of golf.  It humbles all of us.  If you can’t play well or you’re having a bad day, that’s understandable.  But keep your partners in mind.  If you hit a few bad shots on a hole, pick up the flipping ball.  Move ahead to the rest of the group and try again.  If you still screw up, take your ball and drop it on the green.  Don’t make everyone wait while you goof around.  You’ll bring your lousy attitude to the rest of the foursome.

Take your time:  This may sound in conflict with the previous suggestion, but it isn’t.  You should play your game consistently and promptly so as not to hold up the group, but you must realize that golf takes time.  A round will last between four and five hours.  Don’t try and rush to finish so you can return for a meeting.  If you’re going to play, take the afternoon off.  Relax and enjoy it.

Do not bullshit when it’s your time to hit:  You have more than enough time during a round to talk to your partners about everything.  Do this when you’re in the cart or walking up the fairway.  Don’t tell a story on the tee when everyone is waiting.  Shut up and hit it.

Do not bore the group with a glowing rendition of your last shot:  Nobody cares.  We’re all concentrating on our next shot.  Don’t expound upon the virtues of a shot that was “pin high” when it was also 50 yards left of the green.

Don’t give tips to others unless you’re asked:  Nothing is worse than someone who doesn’t know the game to be giving advice to another novice.  Shut up.  Or better yet, both of you go take a lesson.

Lean how to count:  If you’re going to play the game seriously, keep score.  If not, don’t count.  But if you do count, be accurate.  The other members of your group know how many times you swung…particularly if there’s money on the line.  I’ve often impressed newcomers by recounting every stroke of every member of a foursome after the game was over.  I learned to play with thieves in the South.  My father taught me to count everyone’s strokes before he let me touch a club.  All serious players do the same.  Don’t claim a score and have to be corrected.  It’s embarrassing to everyone.  Plus, we’ll think you’re a cheat when you may have made an honest mistake.  Count them all or don’t count at all.  This is not to be confused with the famous Gary Bird line, “Just gimmie a six.”  If you’re out of the hole and want to slide by without ruining your entire game, that statement is okay.  You’re telling everyone you screwed up, but you’re not trying to screw them out of anything.

On the green, don’t walk in someone else’s line or putt out of turn:  It just proves what we knew already, that you’re a selfish son-of-a-bitch who cares about nothing except yourself.  Mark your ball, stand to the side and wait your turn.  And shut up.  If your advice is needed, we’ll ask.

Don’t get angry, yell or throw a club when you hit a bad shot:  We don’t care.  Learn how to play the frigging game and you’ll be happier.

No plaid pants:  This is self-explanatory.

These are just a few of the things all of us who play the game would like the rest of you to observe.  And when you read this, don’t think it doesn’t apply to you.  If you’re an idiot who insists on being a fool on the golf course, playing like a buffoon and ruining the game for the rest of us, please don’t be fooled by our outwardly patient smiles.

We talk about you behind your back.