12/16/1994
Dear Santa:
It’s been a year since I’ve written. I’m sorry, Santa. I know I should write more often, but face it, in our business, it’s what can you do for me now? Since you only grant wishes once a year, why should I waste the stamp?
You know I don’t feel that way, Santa. I’m only echoing the intensity of our industry. And the industry has been especially intense this year, Santa. Actually, tense would be a better term.
With all of the fallout in the industry, our good people are looking forward to Christmas more this year than any year in the past. So, if you don’t mind, Santa, I would like to ask for some Christmas presents. Not for me, but for my friends in the industry. Most of them won’t ask. The record guys are afraid you’ll demand a promotion in return. And the radio guys have already given their wish list to their local reps. So just let me drop a couple of hints.
Don’t give Burt Baumgartner anything. He’s getting everything he wants as he moves to California. However, if you could, please do me one favor, Santa. Burt is shipping one of his cars out early and has asked met o put it in my garage for “safe keeping.†Let him send the Viper…with the keys. I promise I won’t wreck it and I’ll never let Burt know I’m cruising the strip in it until his arrival.
Give Jerry Blair another phone so he can talk to five people at the same time. For Jerry Lembo, some No-Doz so he can stay up past ten. For Charlie Walk, a little more exposure. Let Jim Burruss have a new computer…preferably a Mac. Don’t worry about Justin Fontaine. Having Burt as his boss is quite enough. Just let him continue to lose to me in golf, although you don’t have to grant that wish, Santa. I’ll take care of that.
For Tenenbaum, a decision on the length of his hair…or really, any decision. Let him finally make one. And for Gorlick, any cheap shot. He’s so easy to pick on. Actually, Santa, give Gorlick a discount at the Palm, though he should be able to accomplish that on his own. What about Paula? Something good for having to work with those two.
For Craig Lambert, wedding bliss. For Val DeLong, an unhappy marriage so she’ll come running to me. And for Greg Thompson, patience and new answers for the same questions.
For John Fagot, a better year for the Bulldogs (I know I asked for that last year, Santa, but keep trying, will you?) For Costello, a new hairstyle. His wife can work wonders…she just needs to work harder on him. Let the Rebels tie them Dogs for Blalock so he and John can be satisfied. And Pat’s picture for Reiner.
A skyhook for Sky Daniels so he can slam those records home. More trips to the West Coast for Riccitelli. More radio stations for Vicki Leben to call…she’s down to about 400 a week. And a healthy baby for Murdock.
A healthy, happy, stress-less year for Stu Cohen. A big raise for Barney. Please, please, Santa, let Rich Fitzgerald find another restaurant. I know he gets mileage-plus at Iroha, but its gone way too far. Give Ratner absolutely, positively anything and everything he wants.
Polly Anthony got everything she wanted in 1994, but put some icing on her cake next year. Let Barb Seltzer have even more opportunities to hell me I’m the man. I’ll even convert. Make Dale Connone stay away from my daughter. (I know many others have asked you for this same wish, Santa. Grant them, please.) A huge jug of Cajun martinis for Hilary Shaev. For Rick Bisceglia, more nights like the one in San Francisco last month. And let Bruce Schoen get out of the office more.
It was a rough year for Andrea Ganis. She was run over by a cab, dirtied in the streets and slashed by an unfortunate Network 40 package. Let 1995 be accident-free. And have her keep up the matchmaking. Maybe it will work. Give Danny Buch a real radio station to program. Steve Leavitt needs one less computer. And tell Cubby he doesn’t need to attend every event on the West Coast. More hours in the day would be nice for Peter Napoliello. A bigger expense account for Ken Lane. And a cover for Michael Steele. You don’t need to Give Brenda Romano anything. 1995 is going to be her year. For Lopes? Flannel shirts and jeans.
A huge promotion for Butch Waugh. And another “statement†cover for Skip Bishop. More trips to the desert for Michael Plen. He needs them. And more time for golf for Bill Pfordresher. I’m beating him way to badly now.
Jack Satter wants the inside line to The Chrome Lizard. Mark Kargol has to find a new friend. The one he’s got is wearing him out. David Leach needs a membership to a country club. Andy doesn’t. And Kerry has to come out here more often. A Coolio hairstyle for Becce. A giant hit for Ray Carlton.
Many more dinners with Nancy Levin. (Oops, that’s my wish. Okay, I’ll buy.) And more hit records for Ann Marie to bring home.
Switches and ashes for Rick Stone…he’s been a bad boy. Give Lori Anderson the world and everything that’s in it…and one less trip to Disneyland with the kids. How about giving Minor’s throw-aways to Spendlove so he can get his wish and finally be just like Charlie?
Give Joel Denver the best and R&R the worst.
Network 40’s staff needs a lot, Santa. Let Dwayne finally close Hard Kill…though they’re all hard for him. And let him hang with all the “players.†A Knicks’ championship for Pat since he’s in New York to enjoy it. A new rubber chicken for Jeff. Please, Santa, please get some hip clothes for Kilgo…or sunglasses for the rest of us. A non-addictive sedative for Kristen to be administered each Monday. More Crossover stations for Meade. A “special†friend for Karen. For Sara, a real man. We asked for this last year, Santa, and she still doesn’t have one. Kathryn wants more male cheesecake photos. The Lizard wants the opposite. Give Leah a part-time job at KIIS. A beautiful wedding for Josie…ditto Kathryn. A perfect Country state of mind for Barry and Jamie. Harman needs more artistic freedom. Debby wants at least one dead-line to be hit. Let Helen’s “special†relationship with Gorlick to continue. James needs a louder voice…but don’t give it to him. To Victor, a week with no meltdowns. Alden wants an audience with the Joint Chiefs of Staff. A day off for Stan.
Peace on earth and good will toward men and women. And to all a good night.