12/9/1994
“Some guys have all the luck. Some guys get all the breaks.â€
Ah, to be a radio programmer. Just think about it for a minute. A radio programmer has the best tickets to the best concerts. You want to make points with the bimbo and meet the band? No problem. Backstage passes?
Anything you want, babe.
What about dinner? Best restaurant in town? You want to bring the bimbo? And three of her friends? No problem Your parents might be there, too? Sure. Bring them along.
You need a promotion because you’re too lame to think one up for yourself? Or your station is too broke to pay for it? You want tickets to Hawaii for a couple of your winners? And you want to go along as their chaperone? And bring the bimbo? Of course. It’s done.
That prize fight in Las Vegas next weekend? You say the new bimbo is a fight fan? A boxer herself? Oh, a mud wrestler. Close enough. You want to get a suite, sit up front and pretend you’re important and rich?
You’re there, babe.
You’ve got to admit, the life of a radio programmer ain’t all bad. You get all the good things in life without having to pay for them, if you don’t count having to play a “strange†record on occasion. You can act like an ugly, insensitive know-it-all jerk. And people will pretend to like you.
Plus, you have the opportunity to win cash and fabulous prizes in the A.I.R. competition for doing what you’re paid to do already…listen to new music and figure out how well the songs will do. What a wonderful, wonderful life.
“Some guys do nothing but complain.â€
And then there is the life of the record promotion person. A PD wants dinner? Trips? Promotions? The promo person must provide willingly and pretend to be happy about it.
The promo person must also spend “quality†time with the bimbo, although, in many cases, the bimbo is actually better company that the PD. And the promo person would rather talk with her. But that’s another Editorial.
So the promo person must slop through the sludge with the slugs. And ultimately pay for the A.I.R. competition that sends PDs cash and fabulous prizes.
And there’s nothing extra for the record promotion person, is there? No contest to enter. No games to play. No way to get cash and fabulous prizes. Every promotion person knows they would do better than every PD in any music competition. But there isn’t any.
Do-do-dee-do-da-do! (Think horns.)
To the rescue come your good friends at Network 40. Recognizing the terrible plight of those in the record business (and it’s easy for us to recognize those slights because as former PDs, we were the slighters not so long ago), Network 40 is proud to announce a contest with cash and fabulous prizes for record company promotion people only. We call it, “H.O.T.A.I.R.â€
“Heavy On The Absolutely Incredible Bullshit!†(Okay, so we couldn’t come up with a suitable word that means the same thing and begins with an “Râ€â€¦excuuuusssseeee me!)
After months of careful evaluation and exhausting research, we have come up with the ultimate contest…HOT AIR.
We call it HOT AIR because that’s exactly what it is…HOT AIR. (Actually, it’s really HOT AIB, but that doesn’t have the same ring.)
It costs nothing to enter. The only stipulation is that you have to be a promotion person, listen to the music and participate each week.
The rules are quite simple:
(1) Each week, Network 40 will ask you to listen to five records and predict how well these records will do on Network 40’s PPW chart.
(2)Â Points are awarded as follows:
10: Predict the record won’t make the chart and it doesn’t. (Minus 10 if it does.)
25: Predict the record makes it into the Top 40 and it does. (Minus 25 if it doesn’t.)
50: Predict the record makes it into the Top 10 and it does. (Minus 50 if it doesn’t.â€
100: Predict the record makes it to number one and it does. (Minus 100 if it doesn’t.)
Points are totaled sometime during the year and a winner is announced. You are also eligible for special “bonus†points as follows:
150: Be the first person in your company to close out your region. (Minus 150 if you’re the last. Plus 300 if you’re the last and still hang on to your job!)
250:Â Get one of your records added on a radio station without going through the independent. (This bonus is not applicable if you pay the indie anyhow.)
500: Get any of your records added on a radio station without having to provide a promotion or a time buy. (This bonus is not applicable for any record already in the Top 10…unless, of course, it’s on WKRQ.)
750: Get any of your records added on a radio station by talking only with the music director. (This bonus is not applicable at stations where the music director’s input is actually important…which means it’s pretty much applicable everywhere.)
1000: Get a record added at a station and have no one else call to take credit for it. (This bonus will be paid on the honor system…we’ll have to take your word for it and trust that you wouldn’t ever lie…so this will never be applicable.)
1500: Predict any record on Imago will make it into the Top 40 and it does. (If one of Imago’s records actually makes it into the Top 40, then to collect these points, you must pay Network 40 for the amount of advertising dollars we’ll lose for taking this shot!)
2000: Get one of your competitor’s records added instead of your own so you can get credit for the points. (This bonus will be tripled if you tell your boss that is the reason that you didn’t get an add that week.)
3000: Get the bimbo to talk the PD into adding one of your records. (This bonus is tripled if you bring this up in front of his wife!)
So, now you have the rules for Network 40’s exclusive HOT AIR contest. Remember, all decisions of the judges are final. The number of ads you purchase in Network 40 has no bearing on the outcome…as long as you don’t want to win!