Pissed Off

6/3/1994

I am a little pissed off today. How is that different from any other day? Not much. On a strictly day-to-day basis, I find myself pissed off a lot.

I’m not talking about being inconvenienced, hurt, disappointed, upset or angry. I’m talking pissed off. Let me explain. You’re inconvenienced if you make a dinner date with someone and they cancel. You’re pissed off if that person is someone you’ve been waiting a long time to see and he or she blows you off without regard to your feelings. You’re angry if the person ditches you and goes out with someone you hate.

Do you get my drift? Pissed off falls somewhere in the middle of emotional extremes. It’s more than a little annoying, but short of an insanity defense for murder. No one has yet been acquitted of a felony by pleading to the judge that he was just too pissed of to reason correctly. Yet.

Pissed off is not a state of mind. You can be depressed for no obvious reason. You can be happy for no particular reason. But to be pissed off, you must have a reason. Something or someone has to be blamed. This is called, “What pisses you off.”

After giving more than a little thought to the subject (so much that I began to get pissed off), I determined that the particulars that piss me off fall into four, broad categories. You may disagree, but I don’t care. (Does that piss you off?) Those categories are: People, Places, Things and Situations.

Shall we begin?

People who piss me off:

1. Jehovah’s Witnesses.
2. President Clinton. (Be a man. Make a decision. Run in long pants. Blow the sax instead of the country.
3. Lawyers.
4. Bartenders.
5. Talking airline pilots. (You know, those who feel compelled to tell you about every monument the plane passes over while you’re trying to sleep.)
6. Personal things.
7. Dan Rostenkowski
8. Egotistical program directors who believe they are geniuses, not realizing it’s where they are, not who they are, that makes them important to the industry. (All who support Network Forty are, of course, excluded from this category. The fact that they support Network Forty proves that they are wise and intelligent people.)
9. Egotistical record executives who think they are geniuses. It’s the artist, stupid! (All who advertise and support Network Forty are, of course, excluded from this category. The fact that they advertise and support Network Forty proves that they are wise and intelligent people.)
10. Bruce Hix.
11. Referees.
12. The Heavyweight Champion of the World. (Whoever he is.)
13. Any maitre’de who doesn’t recognize me.
14. Good dancers.
15. Bad drivers. (Defined as anyone else driving any other car except me.)
16. People who take credit for getting everyone their jobs.
17. Those who talk in movies.
18. Proctologists.
19. Television evangelists. (Except Dr. Gene Scott. He rocks.)
20. Those who call me and ask, “Who is this?” when I answer. (You called me, idiot!)
21. The Chrome Lizard.
22. Waiters who introduce themselves.
23. Moonies.
24. Dwayne “Hillbilly” Ward.

Places that piss me off:

1. Airports.
2. Political fund-raisers.
3. Airplanes.
4. The backseats of cars.
5. New Jersey.
6. Georgia.
7. Dentist offices.
8. Emergency rooms.
9. Anywhere a tuxedo is required.
10. The upper deck.
11. San Francisco.
12. Traffic school.
13. Banks.
14. Jewelry stores that always offer 50% off.
15. Being last in line.
16. Dude ranches.
17. Court.

Things that piss me off:

1. Parking tickets.
2. Traffic tickets.
3. Intelligence tests.
4. A wicked slice.
5. Panty hose.
6. Rolls Royces (and the people who drive them).
7. Pay television.
8. Reruns.
9. The Super Bowl.
10. Tuesday Music Day.
11. Deadlines.
12. One particular record company.
13. Reading glasses.
14. Low toilets.
15. AIDS.
16. “Stairway To Heaven.”
17. Telethons.
18. Answering machines.
19. 3-piece suits.
20. Opening acts.
21. Computers.
22. The wave.
23. MTV.
24. Classic Rock.

Situations that piss me off:

1. Planes that are late when I’m on time.
2. Planes that are on time when I’m late.
3. Waiting in a doctor’s office after making an appointment.
4. Standing in line to buy tickets.
5. Not having the right pass to get backstage.
6. To be continued…
7. Say habla espanol.
8. Have a nice day.

All of these people, places, things and situations piss me off. But the one constant…the one specific that day-after-day, week-after-week pisses me off the most is…me. I’m sure you can relate. And that really pisses me off.

Have a nice day.