12/17/1993
Dear Santa,
I know it’s been a while since I’ve written. I apologize, but the year got in my way. And what a year, eh, Santa? It seems like only yesterday that I arrived at The Network Forty. Can you believe it’s been 10 months since I wrote my first Editorial? Remember? The one about “Big Brother†being R&R? Remember how many in the industry laughed? Especially those at R&R? They didn’t know I did my homework, did they Santa? They didn’t know that my thoughts weren’t only my own, but were shared by the majority in radio. Time always tells, doesn’t it, Santa? Who would have thought a year ago that Bobby Poe would be doing more business than R&R?
Thanks for all those hit Top 40 records this year, Santa. I know Top 40 is your favorite format. Can you send some more of those for Christmas?
While I’m writing, Santa, would you mind if I gave you some gift hints for a few people in the record industry? I’m sure they won’t write (most of them don’t know how), but I know what they need.
For Burt Baumgartner, a happy, healthy baby girl with Christine’s looks and personality. A red light for Blair so he’ll know when to stop talking. (Oh, never mind. It won’t matter.) Give Jim Burruss anything he wants. Let the Bulldogs have a better year for John Fagot. But let them lost to Ole Miss for Blalock. Let Barb find true love (and let it be me). And how bout a step ladder for Connone? Send Polly something from Garland. And let Hillary visit the West Coast more often.
Can we get Bisceglia to stop speaking in “strobe†talk? And Schoen a big raise? A welcome mat for Stoney’s new digs on the West Coast would be nice. Get Geslin a hat. Any hat. And another program director who plays golf for Justin. Some more time for Andrea so she can return phone calls. A complete recovery for Joe. And a parking space for Danny?
Stu needs a much bigger office, Santa. And Barney and I both need hard hats for those “special†days when the volume gets turned up real loud. A case of Jose for Fitzgerald. And another good sushi bar. How about a bow tie that lights up for Ratner? And tell all the trades his first name is spelled Marc. Can you give Pfordresher a new name? And tell him the Bulls are dead without Michael. Another Mike, Becce, needs RuPaul’s wardrobe sized so he can wear some of the pastel dresses. He looks so cute in that off-the-shoulder number.
Could you bring Lambert a new toupee? The one he’s been wearing is getting kind of crusty. Val needs nothing; she’s perfect just the way she is. A case of cheap wine for Kevin. He’s getting kind of cheesy with that wine connoisseur act. A bigger expense account for Leavitt so he’ll stop the T.I.G. Friday’s thing. More lunches at the Ivy for Bennett. And more acts to promote for Coburn.
Will you ask Hollywood to stop making Brenda wear the Minnie Mouse outfit at Disneyland during the weekends? She’s really good at it, but enough is enough. And require Lopes to dress in jeans every other day. One Charlie is enough. Tell Leshay he doesn’t really look like Jesus and also tell him the new gig allows him to call anybody “dude.†Don’t let Bob Garland pick up another tab at the Four Seasons. Actually, you don’t need to worry. After we stuck him with the last one, he’ll be staying at the Holiday Inn. Give Daniel Glass a faster time in the next marathon. Tell him Billy Brill is chasing him; that’ll work. Let Brodey and Carlton have giant years.
Give Butch a hint of a northern accent. He’s sounding too much like my father. And how about a cut and trim for Skip? This retro thing is getting out of hand. Don’t give Barbis anything. He’s got all a man could need…including Hix. Ditto Riccitelli. And give Vicki and Linda anything they want.
More golf time for Leach. He doesn’t play nearly enough. And keep Szulinski off the course. Satter’s way too Jive. I don’t know what to give him. Send Benesch the name of a bail bondsman who will trade for CDs. And a good computer for Lynch. Ashes and switches for Plen. He’s been a bad boy. For Tenenbaum, the keys to the MCA jet. And let him get to use it any time he wants. Don’t worry about Gorlick, Santa. I’ll give him my scrapbook of the “good old days†so he can pretend he was a part of it.
I know R&R has very little to do with the radio and record industries any more, but let’s throw them a bone anyhow. They will be asking for that monitor system again, just like they’ve been asking you for the past three years. Go ahead and put it in their stocking, Santa. It’s the only way they’re going to get it. Let Dave Sholin come to The Network Forty so people will be able to read the stuff he writes. For Barry? A shallow lake so he can finally walk on water. On second thought, I’ll take care of him. It is, after all, a personal thing.
And for McClusky? How about a little yank?
For the staff of The Network Forty, don’t listen to their pleas for a kinder, gentler boss. It ain’t gonna happen. But bring Pat a pennant for any New York team. A date…any date…for Dwayne. (Good luck on that one, Santa.) A clean, new lefet foot for Jeff. Bring Wendi a copy of “Single White Female;†Kilgo a plain, khaki cache shirt. A split personality for Jenna. A tan for Karen. A wedding for Josie. More MCA ads for Tricia, a staff that hits deadlines for Jodi and a real man for Sarah.
For our friends in radio, thank them, Santa, for all their support. They’ve made The Network Forty the fastest growing trade magazine in history.
Give them everything they ask for.